The Pitfalls of Bromance

Days till Surgery: 24
Days till Old Age: 32

Quickly, before I get to Make Me a Supermodel, this was me after last night's episode of LOST:

Actual Picture

The only thing I can say is that if Sayid is Ben's man on the ship, and if they're already working together, then my brain is going to explode. We've seen Sayid working for Ben in the flash forwards but I didn't think even for a moment that they could've made some kind of alliance while still on the island. At least this early. I can't wait for next week's episode!

Okay, moving on.

On last night's MMAS, I was torn between wanting the Bromance to finally come to an end (when Ben was bitching and moaning about not wanting to sell clothes and everything - um, hello? You want to be a model?) and wanting them to have hot, steamy sex on camera so I could indulge myself (when Ben suggested he and Ronnie do the quasi-sex scene during the week's shoot, and we were privileged enough to see Ronnie's control nearly snap, when he and Ben were thisclose to chewing each other's faces off. Mmmm.)

I adore Ronnie, and I did adore Ben, but it turns out that Ben's kind of a douche bag. If something doesn't go his way, rather than shrugging it off and saying he'll do better next time (like Casey) he gets irrationally angry and nasty. Not quite the adorable little guy I originally thought he was. But I'm torn, because I love him with Ronnie so much, and I think Ronnie's poor little heart would burst if Ben went home.

But I love Casey. Like, a lot. I think he's so gorgeous, and he's sweet and kind and actually puts the effort into it (unlike, you know, Ben.) That and I'm kind of hoping Perry will lick him again. Man, this show is good for my fantasies.

Good lord

Seriously, I feel like a 14 year old boy with sexuality issues. I can't stop staring at the picture - my boss is going to come over and be like "what da hale" and I'll be too incoherent to reply. Then maybe he'll appreciate the picture. God.

Uh... anyway.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

So I kind of want Ben to go home this week. He's only cute and sweet now around Ronnie, and I've had enough of his attitude. I think Casey deserves to stay because he works so damn hard, and genuinely wants to be there. Besides, Ronnie can hold his own against Perry and Casey, especially as there's only a few weeks left. As for the girls, well... I don't like their personalities all that much. Personally, if I was in a house full of hot men who were really fun and loved goofing around, I'd sure as hell be having a great time with them. I don't understand why they're so damn cold towards them, and so antisocial. However, they're both amazing models, and even if they were sent packing next week I think they'd both be snapped up by top agencies the moment they left the townhouse.

So, here's hoping that the Bromance sadly comes to an end, and we get another week of Perry and Casey's antics. And here's hoping that Perry's girlfriend dumps his ass for Adnan* and Perry realizes that all he wants in life is to marry me, be a top model, and support me with his earnings. C'mon, Perry, I'm not getting any younger.


*Oh, if you didn't see, this week's "drama" involved a very cryptic phone call from Perry to his girlfriend. She made this huge to do over "something in the media that would affect him, but wasn't true." Logically, when he was confused and tried to ask what it was, she told him she couldn't go into detail and hung up on him. Oh I see. Anyway, the "drama?" Some crappy tabloid (even I haven't seen this story anywhere) reported that Perry's GF was sleeping with Adnan. Adnan. Yes, the creeper BF of Britney Spears - the one with the pubic hair-esque goatee. Yeah. You seriously can't make that shit up.

Makeovers, and Models, and Fashion Shows (Seriously, Oh My)

Days till Surgery: 25
Days till Old Age: 33

Last night was a truly epic night for the fashion world. Not only were we able to witness the shockingly horrible transformations on ANTM's makeover episode, we were also able to see firsthand the amazingness that was Project Runway's season finale. Let's start with the terrible, and move on to the fabulous.

America's Next Top... "Model?"

Now the Makeover Episode is always my favorite episode. It's so fun to watch the girls get absolutely butchered, and it's also fun to see some of my faves actually get good do's. Unfortunately this time around, I believe maybe one or two girls max actually had flattering styles. I don't know where they found these stylists (I propose homeless in an alley?) but they were absolutely horrible. Most of the girls looked even stupider than before, which is saying a lot. And it didn't help that they literally spent the entire episode shrieking like a group of drunken banshees. Seriously, girls, my ear drums are begging for you to shut the fuck up already.

So, without further ado, I present to you the girls' makeovers:

Aimee: Aimee's make over is... well, she did need to do something with her hair to keep her from looking washed out, although I'm not entirely sure "fire engine red" was the best choice. Now she sort of looks cartoonish. At least the color seems to have given her a bit more oomph and she seems more confident with it?






Allison: Oh, Allison... you think you're such a fabulous model but gurl, you're hideous. And what is with that eye? At any rate, I knew bitch was going home as soon as she started pulling the "I'm the best" card. Sorry chickie, karma always trumps in ANTM. Also, no new hair color will fix your face - you're just doomed.






Amis: Well... she needed longer hair, that was a given. She was too masculine with the shorter hair. Unfortunately, I think even if she was given Rapunzel-esque tresses, she still would look like a dude. Idk what's up with ATMN turning into "America's Next Top Tranny" but I really don't like it.






Anya: Good fucking lord. Seriously? Seriously??? First of all, the blond makes her look like a Norwegian hooker, and second of all, what did you do to her eyebrows? Yes, I understand the importance of keeping eyebrows similar to your hair color, but making them so light they disappear entirely just leaves the model looking retarded. Moreso.






Claire: So they made Claire over into... Jay Alexander? Seriously, if she didn't look old before, now she looks like she should be on the cover of AARP Magazine. She looks hideously old, and that platinum looks gray. Never dye the oldest model's hair a shade seen only on the elderly.







Dominique: Speaking of America's Next Top Tranny, our "girl" Dominique got an... interesting makeover. The darker color makes her look far less 'street' (so to speak) but the soccer mom haircut isn't fooling anyone. If you want her to look sort of like a chick, don't give her an old lady/skater boy haircut. Give the girl some weave!






Fatima: I think Fatima had the best makeover, hands down. Not only is it immensely flattering, but it makes her look shockingly like the goddess Iman - something everyone strives to be. Now if the bitch could only stop being, well, a bitch, maybe she'd make something of herself... but I don't see that happening anytime soon.





Katarzyna:I think it'd be very hard to make Katarzyna look bad, and even though I don't like this hair color on her all that much, I still think she looks gorgeous - she just has that face. I think it's a little too severe (the light brown/dark blond shade she had really worked for her) but she does manage to pull it off, so no real damage done.







Lauren: Okay, Lauren looks better, but would've been better than that greasy, grimy pigtailed thing she had going on. Now at least she looks like a female. If only she could actually put high heels on and stop walking around like Quasimodo, maybe we'd have something to work with. I mean, not really, but still.






Marvita: Oh, I get it, they wanted to go with the skunk-mullet chic look this season? Seriously, what the fuck, who does that? Now Marvita still looks like a fucking moron, but with a horse tail to match. FYI: That is so far from high fashion it's literally painful.







Stacy Ann: Once Stacy Ann stops squawking you can see that she does have an interesting face, although I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. At any rate, the new do does show off her bone structure, even if it also hones in on her uncanny resemblance to an ostrich.







Whitney: The same thing goes for Whitney that goes for Katarzyna - it's very hard to make them look bad, and while I don't like the color at all, she's still gorgeous. I just don't understand the blond - her dark brown locks were perfect with her skin tone and her eyes - why wash her out with the lighter color?





At any rate, I think the producers had a good idea this Makeover Episode, deciding not to let the girls see their transformations until they were already literally transformed. This saved us hours and hours of girls sobbing and freaking out (after just declaring "do anything to me, I don't care!") Of course Fatima still bawled, because her weave hurt - not that anyone cares, seeing as how Fatima has no soul.

I did feel sort of badly for her when Allison made that retarded remark about black women taking it from behind (I don't even understand it - it's not like black chicks are well known for doggy style sex - all chicks are well known for doggy style sex) but then of course Fatima went nuts with the whole anorexia issue, so really I just wanted to shoot the both of them in the face.

Moving on to the photoshoot, we were able to see that no amount of hacking and dying and screwing people over could give the girls any talent, and we were treated to nearly half an hour of horrific poses and awkward shots. I know modeling is harder than it looks, but it's not fucking rocket science. Anyway, there's no need to post the pictures, because they're all fucking horrible. Seriously, it's the worst batch of pictures we've ever seen. So, I'm just going to describe the "first call out" and the bottom two.

Top:

Lauren (...ik, rite?)
Uh... Okay, we get it, she's awkward. And yes, we get it, many top models are terribly awkward, and it's all a part of their charm. But the difference between those models and Lauren is that those models are in control of their bodies, and are able to use their awkwardness as an asset. They can pose, they can walk, and they can put on their own goddamn heels, unlike Lauren, who literally could not figure out how to get her foot into the shoe. It's not that difficult, dear - most of us figured that out before Elementary school.

Bottom Two:

Dominique:
Now, to be fair, Dominique had one hell of a disadvantage because she's really a he. And it also didn't help that the photo editors really fucked her over; all of those pictures are airbrushed to hell (have you seen the difference between Lauren's picture, and what her real, pale, acne riddled face looks like? Good lord!) but the editors decided it would be a good idea to leave one part of Dominique's body unaltered - and that would be her thigh, which showed her cellulite. Because yes, even models have cellulite, but every editor airbrushes it out. Not doing so only gave Tyra ammunition, and was clearly... well, I don't know what it was. They didn't send her home, so it only made her look heavy and bad. Awkward.

Allison (Sent Home):
Everyone knew Allison was going home from the minute she opened her mouth and started declaring that she was the best model, and she had the most experience, and she's been to Taiwan, and she was never going home. Well guess what, bitch, you went home. I hated her cockiness and her fucked up ego, especially because I think it's clearly one of those misplaced egos - she obviously has no real self-esteem (hello, she used to be anorexic, obviously she has body and self issues) but needs to constantly be bragging about herself in order to feel better about herself. And what the hell is a girl doing on there that used to be anorexic? Being around thin, constantly dieting girls, and constantly measuring yourself and being critiqued by photographers does not endorse a healthy lifestyle for some with prior issues. So, adios Allison. It's for the best. Now go get that eye fixed, or I'll fix it for you.


Now it's time for...

PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON 4 FINALE!!!!!

Oh, Project Runway! How I love you so. This was such a fabulous finale for many reasons:

1. Rami actually made a few outfits without draping. Proof positive that people can change.
2. Jillian proved she is a fucking amazing designer, and women everywhere want to wear her clothes.
3. Christian was meek and humble! Gone was the bratty, snotty attitude, which was amazingly refreshing. For the first time, I didn't have the urge to punch him in his little elven face (even though I do love him so.)

I was disappointed that Chris wasn't in the final three, but I think that whole "human hair" thing may have been a bit much. At any rate, I was impressed with the clothes, pleased with the reactions, and constantly surprised at the outcomes.

I really thought that Jillian was going to win. Rami's clothes were... well, a few things were really nice, but I found the majority of his collection garish and tacky. Christian had an amazing collection, but a lot of his outfits were very similar, and a lot of them were really over designed. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but in a competition like this, I thought it was overkill. Jillian's, on the other hand, were chic, creative, unique, and all around gorgeous. I would totally buy anything from her collection without a second thought.

Of course then I was shocked - SHOCKED - when Jillian was the bottom of the three! What the fuck. I can see her losing to Christian because he has such a good grasp of high fashion and show technique, but to lose to Rami? How did the judges like his crap so much?? Sure, a few things were nice, but the rest were, as Christian would say, full of barfness. I was terrified that he was going to win, but in the end, by little elven boy Christian Siriano was the winner! It was adorable when he started crying (especially because he was crying before they announced the winner) and it was so good to see him being so humble and grateful and normal with his family and the judges. At only 21, Christian is incredibly talented, and I really think he's going to become quite a force in the fashion world. And I (along with Victoria Beckham, who was practically salivating over his collection) really, really want one of his black ruffled jackets. I can't afford one, I'm sure, but I want one.

I Never Thought I'd Say This, But...

I love TEXAS! (and Ohio, to be fair.)

~Let Hillary show you the path to Democracy~

The Joys of Menopause

Days till Surgery: 27
Days till Old Age: 35

I think part of the reason I feel so damn old is that I welcomed in my 21st - and will welcome in my 23rd - birthday while in menopause.

Now, I know it's not real menopause. Once I stop taking my shots, my body will go right back into churning out eggs and being one massive vat of fertile woman bits. Seriously, if I ever get pregnant, I'm in trouble - I'll have a litter or something.

But knowing that this isn't real menopause, and knowing that I'm not really in my mid-to-late fifties doesn't really help much when I wake up at 4 in the morning because I'm having night sweats so badly I've lost 2 pounds. And it doesn't help when I'm so hormonal that I cry over commercials, and crave chocolate so badly I dream of robbing the candy counter at the closest CVS. And you'd think maybe the second time around wouldn't be so hard to handle, but it's really not all that much easier.

What's interesting about this time around is that the symptoms are slightly different. When I first went on menopause, there were three constants:

1. Hot Flashes: They always happened a certain way. First I'd feel this terrible wave of nausea, then 5 or so seconds later I'd erupt in a horrific hot flash, that would last anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes. It felt like I was burning up from the inside out, and that everything inside was turning to hot liquid magma. As soon as it was gone, I'd feel fine. If it was a short hot flash, I'd strip off whatever layers I could, and fan myself until it passed; if it was a long hot flash, I'd run to the bathroom and stick my head under the faucet, or run to the kitchen and stick my head in the freezer. The freezer was the best remedy, but seeing as most classrooms didn't have one, I could only use them on certain occasions.

Come to me

2. Mood Swings: Oh, mood swings. One minute I'd be fine, and the next minute I'd be screaming and throwing things, over something as simple as "where did I leave that pen?" There was no telling what would set me off, and there was no telling if it'd be a rage swing, or a sad swing. If it was a rage swing, then the throwing of sharp objects would commence; if it was a sad swing, I could usually be found bawling in a heap on the floor over absolutely nothing. Luckily, I was able to mostly curb these with the help of certain add back therapy, but they still surprised me on occasion. And I'm sure they surprised other people around me.

3. Night Sweats: You may think these are the same as Hot Flashes, but you couldn't be more wrong. Sure, they both involve copious amounts of heat emanating from my body, but while one was usually over after a few excruciating seconds, the other plagued me for hours at a time. Night Sweats varied - sometimes I'd just wake up drenched in sweat, and trudge off for a very baffling 3:30am shower. These weren't quite as bad, because I'd just wash my sheets and go back to sleep. But other times I'd wake up drenched in sweat, and wouldn't be able to shake the heat. I'd sit in bed, miserable, for hours, feeling like I was melting. I'm not sure why they were so bad, especially when daytime hot flashes were more predictable, but that's menopause for you.

Kill me now

This time, things are different. Now it's like my body's been set on a low broil, and there's nothing I can do to shake it. My hot flashes and night sweats are as common as ever, but there's not that "volcano eruption" phenomenon happening. Rather than having to tear off all my clothes and sweat all my water weight out, I just feel like I'm simmering away on a stove top. The night sweats aren't really sweats per se (I'm sure you're all relieved to hear I don't need to wash my sheets every night, as I'm not actually sweating) - I just feel so hot I have to sleep on top of all the covers, and it's hella uncomfortable. I can't get cool, and I can't get comfortable, and I end up staring at the ceiling and wondering if the neighbors upstairs are screwing or beating each other up. Hmmm.

The hot flashes seem like mild, uncomfortable heat that just keeps going and going and going. I don't melt like I used to, but I'm definitely hot and unhappy - and rather than for minutes, or hours. On the Amtrak down to DC, everyone was wearing coats and sweaters and scarves - I was in leggings and a t-shirt. I wasn't dripping sweat, but I was overheated and cranky.

And the mood swings now seem set entirely to "sad swings." I haven't felt any irrational anger yet, as I'm sure everyone around me is grateful for, but I have these deep senses of sadness that hit at random times. This time around I know what they are, so I can ignore them, but they're tricky bastards. Last night, for example, I had one while I was making pasta for Erin and myself. I was in a good mood and chatty and talking Erin's ear off, but at the same time I just wanted to sit on the floor and bawl, and eat the entirety of her Oreos package. I probably just should've done it and gotten it over with.

Must. Eat. All. Oreos.

Now, all things considered, I am very grateful to be on Menopause. Without it, I'd be developing more cysts, ending up in more hospitals, and fighting to the death with more ridiculously stupid and chauvinistic male doctors. The menopause lets my system reboot, and once I have surgery, it enables me to feel 100% better. I can work out, I can run for miles, I can have as much sex, with as many partners, as I so desire. (Watch out, world, 27 days!)

If that doesn't spell success, then I just don't know what does. But it would be easier without all the side effects.

Quasi-Goodbye, Childhood

Days till Old Age: 36

It's amazing just how much shit one can accumulate in as little as twenty-two years. This past weekend I went home to Boston to tackle the epic duty of cleaning out my childhood bedroom, and let me tell you - it was no easy task. And this was already after my bed, desk, and bookcase had been taken out of the room.

It was easier emotionally than I had expected, at least. To say that I'm a sentimental pack rat is quite a shocking understatement, so I fully expected to be sobbing over each beanie baby, troll, and barbie doll that had to take the final journey in the great black Hefty bag. However, after spending an hour floundering among massive piles of late 80's paraphernalia, I found it getting easier and easier to junk the majority of it. As fun as Polly Pockets were when I was 8, a mountain of them quickly lost their appeal.

I'm not sure what's more terrifying; the fact that this girl collected all these trolls,

or the fact that this girl is, well, this girl

I ended up saving three large bins: a memory box (full of pictures, notes, and other little trinkets), a trophy box (with my sports trophies and academic trophies - yeah, I was cool like that), and a random crap box, full of odds and ends like a stuffed "puffalumpagus" (your guess is as good as mine) and other things that my mother and I agreed would be a good idea to keep. Everything else got the old heave ho'.

It also probably helped that my mom and I kept drinking Nutty Irishmen (think coffee, Bailey's, and Kahlua) so not only was I manic, I was in a fabulous mood and was all too happy to throw everything away. My mother is a genius.

Saturday night we went to Tosca on Hingham Harbor to celebrate my mother's birthday. She turned 52, but because she's been blessed with the genes I somehow missed, she looks about 40. Anyway, we tossed back a fair number of martini's (I was drinking appletinis because I'm a pussy - my mother was knocking back Kettle Ones) and made my brother jealous of the fact that he has two more years before he's 21.


This was the first time I've really seen my mother a few sheets to the wind, since the infamous La Dalat incident of '04 (which involved my then-boyfriend, the imbibing of too much saki, a scandalous fortune cookie, and [several] gleeful comments about how I would be getting laid that night. I love you, mom.)

On Sunday, we hit up Linens 'n Things for storage containers, and gleefully broke our diets over bacon cheeseburgers at The 99. While that's a far cry from gourmet food, it's a tradition my mum and I have, and I have to admit I love gossiping over frozen margaritas and shockingly calorie-full burgers. Nothing says "fun bonding" like "grease and clogged arteries."

Anyhow, the weekend was lovely, and I had a fabulous time with my family. It was over far too soon - and I am not happy to be back at work - but at least I had the long weekend to enjoy. Now if only I could justify having coffee drinks at work...

Oh, and I'm having surgery on April 21st. I fully expect boxes of chocolates and vats of wine. Thanks guys!

Just Kidding! I talked to my doctor and I'm having surgery March 31st. So chop chop, kids.

America's Next Top... Something

Days till Boston: Tonight
Days till Old Age: 40

Oh, America's Next Top Model. You've tried so hard to reinvent yourself this season - a new city, a new opening montage, even some 'variations' to the ridiculous song Tyra sings for the credits - but it's just not enough.

Take last night's episode, for example. Between the two - yes TWO - eliminations, and Paulina's assessment of the girls, it was clear that Tyra & Co. are continuing on their path of picking the girls with the least amount of potential. Most of them could barely model for Walmart.

Okay so, let's first see who went home, and then we can deal with the survivors:

First Elimination
In a (not so) surprising twist, Kimberly - the idiot from the dreaded western Mass region - realized that, like, omigod, since she doesn't, like, condone (not her word, that's beyond her grasp) spending, like, money, on designer duds, she probably, like, shouldn't model. Omigod really? REALLY? You fucking idiot. I thought Tyra was going to snap her neck. Here's her picture - the judges thought it was good, I thought they were on crack:

Not only does she look like a man, she looks like a constipated man

Second Elimination:
I also saw this one coming, mostly because a) i couldn't remember her name, and b) she was god-fucking-awful during the photo shoot. Seriously, it was like she was mentally retarded. Oh wait... Atalya (oh that's her name) was sent packing, even though Kim had already peaced out. At least they made one good decision last night.

Yeah, that's... that's... yeah.

So, two down, twelve to go! Of course if we went with Paulina's assessment, it would be more like twn down, four to go. Unfortunately, Paulina only has so much to power. At any rate, I almost laughed my ass off when she told Dominique she looked like a man - especially because I do believe Dominique was called a tranny no less than four times this episode. Sweetie, if everyone around you is telling you they think you're a dude, you should probably take that to heart.

It's not that she's ugly, per se, it's that she makes a much hotter dude

Anyway, here's how the rest of the group did, in order of their call outs:

Anya: Oh, I like Anya! I like Anya a lot. She may be slightly retarded, but she has a great face, and she photographs beautifully. Please don't kick her out, k?



Claire: Um... honestly, I have no idea why the judges like Claire (oh, that's right, they're insane.) She seems like a really fun person in general, but she's gross looking. She's 24 and looks 40, and there's nothing high fashion about her. She kind of looks like she's the homeless one.



Whitney: I LOVE WHITNEY! And I was so glad she got called out third! She really is the best plus sized model ANTM has ever had, and she' so damn fierce. I really, really hope they keep her around for as long as they can.



Lurch, er, Lauren: Okay seriously, what the FUCK. Tyra, I know you want a toy to groom, but Lauren is all kinds of wrong. The picture's not too bad, but she can't walk, she can't stand, and she can't articulate. She's a mess, and not a hot mess, just a gross mess of nothingness.



Aimee: Oh, Aimee, I like you too. Aimee, Anya, and Katarzyna are my faves - they all look sort of similar, with a very "in" look. I think they're all beautiful, and they all photograph very well. Just get rid of the other 9 girls, and we're golden.



Fatima: Fatima looks like one of Hello Kitty's friends, and it's driving me crazy that I can't figure out which one it is. A monkey thing, perhaps. At any rate, she's much thinner than I thought she was, and much more hideously bitchy than I thought she was. I know, you were circumcised, I feel badly for you, but stop being a miserable cunt already.



Marvita: We GET it! You had a horrible past, you were homeless, you were abused, we know already. Stop telling us, now it's just a ploy to get attention. Listen, Marvita, you look like a man (an ugly man, too), you can't walk, you can't pose, and you sure as hell don't photograph well. Now go untuck yourself, and hit the streets.



Katarzyna: She is my absolute favorite this season (and maybe my favorite look of the entire show.) Katar-whatever has such an interesting, beautiful face (so she'll probably go home... next) and I think designers would really be clamoring over her. Oh, and wtf about her wearing too much makeup - I think she just has kind of shiny skin? Idk, I'm terrible with makeup, what do I know.



Stacy Ann: Does she - or does she - look exactly like "Dani" from cycle 6? It's uncanny. At any rate, the only thing that stands out about her is that goddamn lap dance that won't go away. Get over it already! Plus, it creeps me out - in person she looks like she's 12, so it's kind of awkward.



Allison: Allison is butt-motherfucking-ugly. Seriously, there is something wrong with her face! Her eyes are either cross-eyed or set too close together - I'm not sure which, but it's bad all the same. She looks like she has Downs S



Amis: Something is definitely amiss here. Get it?? Yeah, Amis is an obnoxious pain in the ass, and I was very happy she was in the bottom two. Hopefully next week they can kick her ass out (or Allison's, since Allison was in the bottom three.) This chick is so damn awkward, it's painful to watch her. Get out, please.


And that's where we leave off this week! I wish Tyra had gone on a rampage and killed Kimberly (and Marvita, and Fatima, and Amis, and Allison) but not all wishes can come true. At least there's always next week.

The Great Dog Name Search

Days till Boston: 2

Days till Old Age: 42

For those of you who don't know, this is Jazz:



She's my 12 year old Lhasapoo (part Poodle, part Lhasa Apso) and she needs a friend when I move. Since I'm hideously allergic to any dog that's not a poodle crossbreed, and since I want another dog with the same temperament and personality as Jazz, I've decided to go with another lhasapoo. I was thinking perhaps gray or brown, for some variety:

Obviously, they're sickeningly adorable in any color.

I'm going to go with a slightly older dog (although ideally I'd like it to still be in the puppy range, so it knows Jazz from the beginning) because I won't have the time or patience (or mental stability) for house breaking it. I need a fun and energetic dog to keep Jazz company during the day - and something that won't pounce out of closets and maul her, like my dad's cats do.

So, all other factors aside (money to buy the new dog with, money to feed the new dog with, time to walk the new dog, etc) I'm in need of a name for Dog. And not "Dog" like Erin would suggest, because that's confusing and unoriginal and I'd sort of feel bad just going with it. Ignoring her "advice" I've come up with a list of possible names:

1. Ibiza (Ibby?) - because it has a "Z" in it like Jazz's name, and that seems quirky and fresh without being something retarded like "Tinkerbell" or "Mittens"

2. Alessandra Ambrosio - because who doesn't want to snuggle up with her? Seriously, I'd like to meet that person, because I'm certain they don't actually exist

3. Kishka - idk it sounds kind of Yiddish, my mother would be a fan

4. Stella - eh not too bad, but I feel like this is popular among tiny dogs

5. Cashmere - thank you, Jen, for that... suggestion

And yeah, that's all I've got. As you can see, I'm in desperate need of help. I want something fun and quirky (and something that fits a small, retarded dog) but nothing that sounds like it escaped from Paris Hilton's dog kennel of insanity. And while the idea of naming a lhasapoo something like "Moose" or "Wolf" is amusing, I'm not sure that'd work. Unless I choose a brown one, and went with Moose. That has potential...

Spice Up Your Life

Oh, hey look, the countdowns are back:

Days till Boston: 3
Days till I'm Really Old (23): 43

Yes, I'm going to Boston this weekend; no, it's not for fun. I'm going up to clean out my childhood bedroom, as my mother has officially kicked off her "Get the Children the Fuck Out of My House" movement. With me having already been gone for a solid 9 or so months, and my brother moving out for good this summer, she's already imagining how nice all of her belongings will look, strewn about the rooms that her children once claimed as theirs.

In her loving words, "Seriously, if you don't get up here this weekend, I'm throwing everything out. Even your stupid stuffed animals."

Thanks, mom.

Since I'm losing a (massive) chunk of my childhood, I was beyond excited to reconnect with my youth in what can only be called the single best way possible: on Thursday, we saw THE SPICE GIRLS.

Zig-a-zig ahhhh

I'm not entirely sure what a "zig-a-zig ah" is, but I do know that seeing The Spice Girls in concert has been my ultimate goal in life since I was 13 years old. I vividly remember the days when we used to dress up like each of the spice girls, wearing our platform shoes and feather boas, and speaking in horrifically garbled British accents. I was always Geri, not because I had red hair, but because I had a fiery personality (and was always kind of easy.)

The Spice Girls were feminists for our age - they were all about getting laid, but hey, a girl needed her friends' approval before taking that final plunge (er, so to speak.) "Girl Power!" was their motto, and young women everywhere embraced it. If we wanted to run obstacle courses in 6 inch stilettos (see: Spice World) then dammit, we were going to put on those heels and get out there. We could do everything just as well as the men, and look hotter doing it. If that's not feminism, then I just don't know what is.

My Idol

All-in-all, the concert was amazing. The Spice Girls are the fiercest bitches I have ever seen (take notes, Christian Siriano) and they put on one hell of a show; man bondage, man humping, and catwalks were just a few of the treats. They sang all my favorites (namely Spice Up Your Life and Wannabe - and When 2 Become 1, which I like to sing to Erin to make her uncomfortable) danced their asses off, and regaled us between wardrobe changes with an endless parade of hot, buff, sweaty men. Perfection.

The only thing less than perfect about the night was the fact that the four of us - a group of 22 year olds - were about 10 years older than the average groupie. Now, The Spice Girls officially formed in 1994 (when I was in the 4th grade, putting me at 10 years old), earned their nicknames (Posh, Ginger, et al) in 1996 (when I was 12 and in the 6th grade) and released Spice World in 1997 (13 and in the 7th grade.) They were really at the peak of their fame from 96-98, so my friends and I were old enough (or young enough) to hero worship them, and really keep track of what they were doing.

So, 10 or so years later, one would imagine the fanbase would be in their early twenties, and that the concerts would be packed with that age group. Instead, the Verizon Center was crawling with girls barely in high school - and they were all dressed up in ridiculous costumes. It'd been one thing when we did it, back in the late 90s when platform shoes were in, and when the girls were still curvy and didn't dress like sex pots, but now everyone was wearing ridiculously revealing clothing, and going on and on and on about how when they were 5, the Spice Girls were the best thing ever. Excuse you? When I was 5, I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle, so shut your mouths.

This was right after my "I want to be naked all the time" phase and right before my "I want to be Punky Brewster and rescue Cherry from the fridge" phase

What I also found startling about all the young girls, was that apparently "Wear Gold Spandex" had been announced that morning in homeroom, and everyone had taken it to heart. I've never even seen gold spandex before, let alone 1,000 girls wearing it. It was like the sales rack at Forever21 had been violently ill, and projectile vomited everywhere. All I wanted to do was start smacking bitches, but parents don't like it much when I assault their young children. At any rate, the beer line was exceedingly small, so at least we got alcohol into our systems. And, I suppose it's worth mentioning, we did have fun making fun of everyone around us. Although if I saw one more Scary Spice with those stupid braids made into horns on the top of their head, I thought I was going to kill someone.

Oh, I was going to buy myself a t-shirt, as they had an adorable pink one that said, fittingly, "If you wanna be my lover" but it was $50. $50 for a t-shirt with an estimated value of $10.50. So now it's time for me to log into ebay, and see if mama can find herself a discounted shirt. Wish me luck!

America's Next Top Out of Work Failure

It's that time again, kids! Last night was the season premiere of America's Next Top Model! (Can you believe we're already on Cycle 10? It seemed like just yesterday, Eva was winning and everyone was busy killing themselves because the girl is 5'6" and hideous. Aw, memories.)

Since Tyra's show moved from LA to NYC, I was hoping we might see a new crop of girls actually worthy to pursue a modeling career in the fashion capital of the States, but alas, Tyra & Co. are up to their old tricks. Rather than picking girls with talent and looks, they picked ugly ducklings that they hope to mold into beautiful swans. Tyra, here's a tip for you: when you have a bushel of 23+ year old girls, they ain't getting shit. Most models start out at 14; trying to turn a 24 year old into a supermodel is impossible.)

Well, let's meet the failures, and see if there's any that might have a shot at getting some work:

Aimee: Well, she does have somewhat of a high fashion face, and she is18 which at least puts her somewhat in a position to actually get some work in the future. Unfortunately she can't walk (and she hunches like she's trying to read something on the floor) but we'll see if "Miss Jay" can uh... work some magic. Or whatever the hell it is that he/she/it does.




Allison: Is it just me, or is her face off? I can't tell if she's slightly cross-eyed, or if her eyes are just too goddamn close to each other, but there is something very asymmetrical about her face. It makes me want to pick up a brick and slam her right between the eyes. At any rate, it would mean she needed plastic surgery ASAP, so it'd be a blessing.



Amy/Amis: Oh, where to start. Amy is the next "rock 'n roll!" and spent about 98% of the show yabbering away into the camera. Awesome. She's a bad ass, and if you don't believe her, well, just take a look at her pubes - she's already offered. Oh, and since there's another Aimee, this one chose... Amis. Double Awesome. Not even a "Chantal" (who's real name was Heather, but there were 2 of them) or "Whoolahay" (I already miss Dionne.) This is hella depressing.


Anya: The next Natasha! Which automatically makes me like her at least a little, because let's face it, Natasha was brilliant. In her own way. (Do you remember all of me??) However, her wonky accent isn't Russian, it's... Hawaiian? Since when do people from Hawaii sound like ESL students that spent their entire life in the outskirts of Moscow? Well, at least she has the heart. She can't walk to save her life, but she's got heart.






Atalya: I don't remember anything about her. This is either very good, or very bad.






Claire: Oh, this is fun. Claire is 24 (yes, 24) and a mother (yes, another mommy) and still breast feeding. Okay, so she's still pumping away, that's fine, but it should've been left there. But no, Ms. Environment goes right ahead and admits that she drinks her own breast milk. I wasn't sure what was more disturbing - her admitting this, or Tyra and the J(ay)s staging a scene where they all drink big glasses of delicious, frothy milk.



Dominique: Straight up, Dominique scares the crap out of me. She's ridiculously intense, and has already stated several times that she doesn't want to smile, because that's just "who she is." Well fabulous. I can't wait until some of the others (especially ~Amis~ and her endless enthusiasm) push Dominique to the point where she starts snapping necks. Seriously.



Fatima: Fatima stands out for a variety of reasons, although the one that glares out is the fact that she was circumcised when she was 7 (a result of growing up in Somalia.) It's horrifying, actually. On a lighter note, Fatima is the only one who sauntered in looking like an actual model. She has the body, face, and "it" factor, and it doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like a young Iman. All she needs is a new do' and this girl might actually make something impressive of herself.


Katarzyna: While her name baffles me, her face intrigues me. She's one of only 3 girls I can really see that could have a possible career in the future, mostly because she has that "it" factor that 99% of the other girls lack. Her face is interesting, and she has hints of Gemma and Masha in there; a nice combo of today's biggest faces. Which means Tyra will send her home first, probably.



Kimberly: Good fucking lord, this chick is retarded. She didn't realize she was supposed to pose while the photographer was ready and waiting and every other girl before her had just posed; she can't actually string together a coherent sentence; she has fluff where her brain should be. And to make matters worse, she's from Western Mass. As everyone knows, Western Mass is to Boston, as The Deep Deep Deliverance South is to New York City. For real, people. For real.



Lauren: Now Lauren is how we all know that ANTM is fucking rigged, and Tyra just wants a pet to groom and play with and call her own. Lauren is literally Frankenstein in heels (especially seeing as auditions were the first time she'd ever worn heels.) She can't even walk a straight line, never mind the catwalk, and she's greasy, unshowered, and rather stagnant. So she'll probably end up winning, of course.



Marvita: I hated Marvita last season when she made it to the final 25 or so and was cut, and I still hate her this season. The first damn thing out of her mouth both times was "I have anger management issues cause I've been molested and raped." Seriously, TMI chickie. And shut up, you're looking for attention, because you mention it every 5 minutes. You look 40, and you're hideously ugly. Get out.




Stacy-Ann: Stacy-Ann's dream in life, apparently, is not to be a top model, but to give a... lap dance. Sweetie, that's called "drinking on the weekend." At any rate, Tyra realized a kindred soul, and she, the J(ay)s, and Stacy-Ann all had one freaky lap dance menage-a-quatre. Awesome.



Whitney: Personally, I think Whitney's stunning. Our token plus sized model, she has a gorgeous face and a perfectly proportioned body, although you wouldn't be able to tell that by her pictures, as she slumps and keeps making this same goddamn retarded face. I hope she gets work, because unfortunately, the winner of the show will not be plus sized, but I still really like her.




So, here are my feelings:

- Aimee, Anya, Fatima, and Katarzyna are the only ones with high fashion faces. I think it's Katarzyna that can actually walk, though at any rate, 3 out of the 4 look like they've never even heard of high heels before. Seriously, it's like putting a dog in stilettos and watching it attempt not to kill itself. Fatima will stick around because she has a sob story and Tyra likes black girls with heart; Anya will stick around because she's hilariously dumb and we always love us our maniacs with accents; the others are pretty and fashionable, so they'll be sent home immediately.

- Claire drinks her own breast milk. Seriously. Seriously. I'm so grossed out.

- Whitney is the best plus sized model they've ever had on the show (sorry Toccara, I still love you and your fierceness, but Whitney is perfectly proportioned.) She'll never win though, because plus sized models are not supermodels. You still need to be in that size 2-4 range, but i do think Whitney could get some work anyway.

- Marvita is going to end up dead in a gutter someday. People will rejoice.

- Lauren is actually a man. Dominique is also actually a man.

- Kimberly will stick around for awhile, because they always keep the fucking retarded, obnoxious one around for awhile. Possibly for ratings, possibly because the producers of this show are obviously insane.

- "Amis" is going to drive me fucking insane.

So, that's all I have for now. Sadly it's too early in the season to actually make solid predictions, but keep tuned, faithful readers, I'll be recapping each episode as we get closer and closer to naming... America's Next Top Model. Wannabe. Whatever.