Jews, Pro-Choicers, Abort Jesus

Working for the feminists gives me all sorts of exciting experiences: I get to play text twist, I get to read celebrity blogs, and sometimes I even get to do crosswords. Fortunately, when I actually have to do some work, the content is always equally lighthearted and amusing. Take today, for instance: I got to write a news brief about a Planned Parenthood clinic in Illinois that was facing some amusing resistance from the more 'conservative' members of the Aurora area.

Says the Reverend Martin Heinz, of the ever inspiring Holy Angels Catholic Church, "Satan has been able to creep into our gospel. Jesus said that this is my body, take and eat from it. Now, we hear people say that this is my body, I can do what I want with it."

Hilarity! I wish Satan was creeping into my belongings, it would certainly make things a lot more interesting. Although I have to wonder, if we're only Jesus' corporeal body, if Satan were to appear would we be immediately locked in an epic battle? How do those things work, anyway? You'll have to excuse me, I'm Jewish, and since my people killed Jesus, we're not privy to that kind of sensitive information. Although maybe I plucked it right out of me when I had that abortion - Jesus? Did I get you, too?

Okay, so I didn't have an abortion. But I would if I needed to, and I support a woman's right to choose. If I didn't - well, then I guess I'd be one of those super cool anti-abortion protesters. You know, the super bad ass ones, that like to blow up clinics and shoot doctors with snipers from ledges. After all, the best way to stop the murder of an innocent fetus is to mow down the living, breathing, out-of-the-womb doctor prepping for the OR! Yeah!

Down with Feminists

Since I'm still in the interview process (meaning I have no job and no apartment and live off Erin's extra Digorno pizzas, while watching a guy on LA Ink announce that his cat is his soul mate), Erin decided to take pity on me. She was recently promoted from Front Desk Bitch to President's Assistant Bitch, and accordingly the Feminist Majority needed someone to come in and temp for them while they looked for a permanent replacement.

I know, I know. The Feminist Majority has a bit of a reputation: men hating, revolutionary bi-curious women that forgo shaving and get thrills from wearing tank tops and mini skirts, while shouting derogatory slurs at men for their past crimes. They beat up pro-lifers with their own posters of half-aborted babies (which look alarmingly like raw chicken breasts), they constantly find new and inventive ways to talk about vaginas and then bring the hate if you get uncomfortable, and when it gets cold they don't wear jackets, they wear layers of plaid flannel button-downs and pretend to be lumberjacks.

I was so pumped. I like hating on men, shaving sucks, plaid flannel brings out the green in my eyes, and if Angelina Jolie propositioned me I'd totally hit that. And I have ALWAYS wanted to beat the crap out of a pro-lifer.

Unfortunately, when I went in I only met super nice women of varying ages, all of whom appeared to shave on a regular basis, liked the majority of men, were even-tempered and polite, and more than happy to help. There was no screaming, no vagina comments, and not a single flannel shirt to be found in the entire office. Not even a hint of plaid anywhere.

This is gonna suck.