Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law states: "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong," and I really feel like that is the perfect summation of my existance.

Sure, sometimes I luck into things, but when it comes to health-related issues, it's just one big barrel of What The Fuck. Take Lupron Round 2, for example:

I put in the prescription for my Lupron injection nearly 2 weeks ago, knowing that I needed to get the shot somewhere between 2 weeks and a week-and-a-half before the prior Lupron dosage ran out. Which means I need it by next Friday. So of course the insurance company dicks me around for days and days, and I'm not actually able to have it mailed to me until yesterday. Which is okay, because as of today, it's about a week-and-a-half before the shot runs out. So I'm thinking "well, at least I have it now!"

Which of course means that this morning I wake up, feel terrible, and - whoops! - get my period. Nearly 10 days before the shot runs out. Which, might I add, is nearly impossible, seeing as the shots surpress ovulation so that I do not get my periods. Medical marvel, or freak of nature? You decide.

Now you may be wondering, "why is this such a bad thing? Besides the whole bleeding and PMS-craziness factors?" Well, loyal readers who enjoy TMI, it's a bad thing because when I ovulate and my happy little egg gets pushed out, endometrial tissue from my uterus sheds inward, rather than outward with all the other delightful gunk that constitutes a period, and then it likes to float around in my abdomen and attach itself to nerve endings, which is why I'm always in pain. Fabulous!

So no periods = no endomerial tissue = no pain. But of course I got my period - directly after having surgery. The whole point of having surgery and then being on Lupron continuously is to make sure periods do NOT happen, so that I have no more pain. Course we're not even sure now if the surgery was a success, and now I'm going and sloughing my innards all over the place, so I think it's safe to say that I am not a happy camper right now.

Well, I'm in quite a bit of agony, but I took a happy pill I had left over from the last time I was hospitalized, so I don't... care. It's a bizarre feeling. By this point I should be bawling and throwing whatever's handy, but right now all I want to do is eat chocolate and sit in a dirty little heap. Course then I'll get fat, and since I can't work out I can't eat and sit on my ass, especially since I'm supposed to be getting back into modeling. Ah, nothing says "beautiful young woman" like a bleeding, menopausing, hunched over freak of a girl.

Fabulous.

HALLELUJAH!

BREAKING NEWS:

On Friday I get to have this shoved into the tender muscle of my upper ass:

Do you know what that is? Are you tingling with excitement? You should be!

That's my Lupron Shot! Finally!! I've been waiting months for this, and now that my insurance company has finally decided to cover most of it (seeing as how the original price of $1700 was a little too steep.) This means that while I have to deal with all the insanity of being on medically-induced menopause (the worst of which are the hot flashes - I anticipate spending a lot more time shoving my head in my freezer, like I did back in the good ol' days) I get to be healthy.

Here's a sampling of things I can do on the shot:

- Not have anymore cysts burst
- Walk for miles without pain
- Go to the gym and work on my fitness
- Dance like a maniac when I'm drunk at bars
- HAVE SEX

That pretty much sums all of that up. No pain, the ability to exercise, and the ability to get my freak on, if I so desire. Which means I'll probably get wasted this weekend, and wake up the next morning next to this:


But that's okay; he'll probably have food tucked away somewhere, so we can enjoy a romantic breakfast in bed or something. Nothing says "celebration!" than awkward sex and a bag of pork rinds hidden behind a man boob!