The Pope Has Landed

So the Pope's in town, and apparently this is some kind of big deal, but to be honest I don't get it. It could be because I'm Jewish, or because I know nothing about Catholicism (is that even the right sect? are they even called sects?) or because I have no soul, but I can't be too sure.

I mean okay, so the Pope is the central figure of the Catholic Church, but haven't we progressed a little since the heyday of... oh, I don't know, the 1500's? The guy's like 90, and he's the head out an outdated, hate-propelling institution that seeks to force it's ideals and practices on anyone who's been "saved" and sees the ways of God and Jesus. That and I'm pretty sure he can shoot fireballs out of his hand, and kill people with his brain.

Now, to be fair, I believe myself to be tolerant of any religion, and of anyone's desire to practice as they please. In the same way that I don't want someone cramming religion down my throat, I in turn don't want to try to talk someone out of their own beliefs - to each their own. But with the current administration in the White House, and all of this ridiculous religious BS being crammed down our throats lately, I hardly want to play nice with a man that embodies that ultra conservative group that says women shouldn't be able to have abortions, that gays shouldn't be married, that Islam is inherently wrong, that sex-ed shouldn't be taught to children, etc etc. It's one thing to feel that way privately (though it still makes you an asshole) but it's quite another to make sweeping, stupid generalizations and try to force others to bend to your will. Gimme a break.

Other people, however, love the Pope and all he stands for. Apparently they think he's the new Elvis, the way people have been clamoring over barriers and shrieking with joy whenever he passes. Now, I understand why people do that with rock stars and such - there's always a 50/50 chance you'll be pulled out of the crowd and treated to a night of cocaine and sweaty, dirty sex - but something tells me that the Pope isn't one to pick up groupies for a drug fueled sex romp. Although he does drive a - wait for it! - Popemobile (says Wikipedia) which seems only steps away from a Pimpmobile.


Now that is a scandal I'd love to see - can you imagine the headlines?

Pope Benedict Involved in Illegal Prostitution and Drug Ring!

Amazing. Much better than those pesky Catholic Priest Gets Caught Diddling Group of 14-year-old Boys! headlines that seemed never ending a few years back. And maybe then the Pope would really deserve all the fascinated attention he gets. And hey, if he's banging prostitutes and snorting coke, at least the guy's having a good time. Although the Catholic Church will never condone the use of condoms, so he'll probably get something nasty, and then we'll need a new Pope. Well, this guy's only got a few years left in him anyway, so maybe it's for the best. C'est la vie.

I Hate to be the Bear-er of Bad News...

Days till Hanukkah: Tomorrow Night

Days till Hull: 17
Days till Christmas: 21

Back when I was a kid, people knew their place; the law loomed over us with its iron fist, and everyone bowed down to the greatness of sacred religion. We didn't have crazy fanatics that questioned authority, or that constantly blasphemed, using the Lord's name in heathen-esque vain. Lashings and beatings were doled out to keep us in line, and we prayed for the good life to continue. No one wanted riffraff ruining the sacredness of our lives.

But today, people flagrantly disobey those once steadfast rules. Vermin and disbelievers roam freely, spreading their evil seed (no, not that evil seed - well, actually...) and attempting anarchy. They want to overthrow authority, they want to ruin religion, they want to open up the very mouth of hell and let the devil himself spew forth and wreak havoc on the world.

The very worst of these offenders is none other than Gillian Gibbons, the disgusting blasphemer who is obviously the right hand woman to Satan (first offense: obviously being a woman.) She is such a vile, evil creature that she allowed young, impressionable children to have their souls sucked right out of their formerly innocent bodies, condemning them to a life of evil.

She let them name their Teddy Bear "Mohammed."

The face of pure evil - not from concentrate

This English monstrosity, who was teaching at Unity High School in Sudan, let her children pick the name and actually dub the offending bear Mohammed, a horrific flaunting of religion and the law that should be punishable by death (and indeed, according to CNN, Some protesters called for her execution.) Obviously this hell creature intended to warp the young minds of the Sudanese children, and all but declared outright war on the Islamic people. I am shocked and appalled that she only received 15 days in jail for this horrific incident - and even more disgusted that she received an early pardon, and was allowed to end her term 6 days before she was supposed to. What kind of punishment is that for the very worst of our offenders?

If anyone needs me, I'm packing a backpack full of stones, and heading over to England.


Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Not End Up in Jail for Religious Cruelty to Stuffed Animals

Step 1: Do not, under any circumstances, allow any children under your care to even consider naming a stuffed animal a name with any religious connotations whatsoever. This means no Mohammeds, no Noahs, no Rebeccas, no Leahs, no Almightys, no Buddahs, and no Flying Spaghetti Monsters.

Step 2: If your children seemed inclined to name the creature such a blasphemous name, you must instantly realize that they are the little boy from The Omen, and should be murdered messily immediately. Preferably in your House of Worship of choice.

Step 3: Destroy any and all stuffed animals - and while you're at it, destroy any and all play things and toys as well. It's obvious they're tools for devil worshiping, and are used to communicate with Satan while parents are oblivious and in the next room.

Step 4: Don't ever, ever move to the Middle East.