When in Rome: Don't Do as the Models Do

Oh GOD, this week's ANTM episode! Could it get any better than this?? But before I start really gushing, let me point out a few facts:

1. Anya is the best thing to ever happen, not only to me personally, but to all American viewers
2. Katarzyna makes me question my sexual orientation
3. Lauren is legit a zombie
4. The final three will be Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

So the girls are in Rome, and we open with one of the best scenes in Top Model history. Right after Anya confuses "rolling" with "rowing", as the girls are stepping out of the bus at the Colosseum, Anya fucking faceplants. Like, swan dives right off the stairs and splats onto the stone street. They cut to her in the confessional, and she just grins, saying:

"My first step in Rome, and I eat it on the ground!"

"I eat it!"

"But no brain, no pain!"

And that was when I fell in love with Anya. Which, upon reflection, was perfect timing. A solid 80% of the episode was dedicated solely to Anya and her ridiculous, but heartwarming, observations on herself and her fellow contestants. And I actually wanted to hug her when she was bringing food to Fatima and refusing to join in on the bashing that the rest of the girls were enjoying. Not a fountain of drama, but hey, the girl's likable. She does seem slightly mentally retarded, but she's so genuine, and (even with those platinum eyebrows) she really looks like a model. I was in rapture when it was pointed out that Anya is young and fresh and very modelesque, while Dominique was old and gross and the very definition of "used up." Okay, they didn't use that term, but hell they fucking implied it.


This picture pisses me off because it shows the standard Dominique get-up: a matronly, hideous and bulky sweater (I'm shocked there haven't been prancing animals on any of them yet, or kittens chasing balls of yarn), unwashed, greasy hair that keeps sticking up like alien antennas, and a hideous, open mouthed (tooth lacking) smile that threatens to suck your soul right out of your body. Oh, and she does indeed look around 150 years old - probably because she's a thousand year old succubus.

So, moving on, Anya wins the challenge (yet again) while Lauren proves that she's still a lurching, brain eating zombie (yet again.) It's sad too, because you can see by her walk that she has improved since the beginning, yet she still jerks and stomps like she has no control whatsoever over her dead, stiff carcass. Coincidence? I think not.

We continue on, and the girls discover that instead of a photo shoot this week, they'll be shooting Cover Girl commercials. In Italian. Oh, the horror. These commercial shoots are always painful enough when performed in English, given that none of the girls can actually act (and the ones that think they can act, are so over the top and horrible that they make Whitney look downright demure and humble), so you can only imagine how hilariously bad they are in Italian. Fatima and Katarzyna got it down fairly impressively, while the others drowned in a pool of their own inability. Lauren in particular - shockingly! - was absolutely horrific. Talk about a deer in the headlights - she was just waiting for a bullet between the eyes to take her out of her misery. I'm very disappointed that no one actually did that.

Grimacing on camera, mid-shoot? Or chomping for brains? You decide.

I knew that she was going home at that point - not only had she proven she was still shockingly inept at walking, she also showed that she's incapable of interacting with people, she's incapable of following directions, and she's incapable of maintaining a pulse. The odds were against her.

So, panel. Oh, panel - this week, the gods truly smiled down upon me.

First of all, my girl Katarzyna knows she needs to bring some... something, to the table, so she acts perkier than usual and shows the judges that she won't let herself get lost in the crowd. And she calls Tyra out on once again mangling her name, and does so not once, but twice - twice! Tyra seemed suitably pissed in her own "how dare any girl upstage me and point out how fucking stupid I am, even when everyone watching already knows!" kind of way, but it was fabulous. I love you, Katarzyna. No, I'm not kidding, seriously - are you single?

Second, the judges pull out the "Hot Tranny Mess" card again for good old (literally and figuratively) Dominique. Even Miss-freaking-J of all people admits, "I still think that she's a BROTHER!" Truer words have never been spoken; even if they did come out of the mouth of a man with rainbow glitter eyebrows.

Seriously, even my mother's kindergartners know better than to shove their faces in the glue tubes during art time. But that's neither here nor there. The pressing issue at hand is just how manly Dominique is. After surfing the internets, I found some amazing pictures of Dominique pre-ANTM, which really showcase just how much of a dude she really is. Granted, they're not crotch shots, but I think these speak for themselves:




I've got three words for you:

HOT. TRANNY. MESS.

I've never seen anything like it before. Although, please note that the "Hot" part is only applicable when she's made up to showcase her... uh, strong attributes. She instantly reverts back to "Octogenarian Tranny Mess" at the first sign of eye makeup remover.

I don't understand how no one's pointed out that men aren't allowed in the competition, but it's not like they've never "tweaked" the rules in the past (like letting in Eva , whos 5'6", and letting Saleisha win after she was in nationwide commercials and, you know, had appeared on the Tyra fucking Banks Show.) Whatever gets the best ratings, I suppose.

So Fatima gets first call out (which I think was only because Tyra was pissed at Katarzyna for pointing out what a stupid, ignorant idiot she is), followed by Katarzyna and Anya. I'm 99.999% sure that they're going to be the Final 3, because Dominique is too busted, Whitney is living on borrowed time, and Lauren, well, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So Dominique, unfortunately, gets the next call out, although it makes sense because at least she was "energetic" (if that's the word you want to choose) during her shoot. Whitney, on the other hand, was so ridiculously fake and sugary that it made your teeth ache, and Lauren was Lurch, so they were the bottom two. I was afraid Tyra was going to boot Whitney out, because A) no plus sized model has ever made it this far at ALL, and B) she is the plus sized model, and ANTM is well known for kicking their asses out without reason, but, like I said - the gods were smiling down on me!

LAUREN WENT HOME! Thank god! It was the FIRST time the panel actually showed real judgment and discretion during voting. They could've stuck with their "we make no sense and we prove this show has no credibility!" pattern and sent Whitney packing, but for once they got their shit together and sent the right girl home. Maybe the glue fumes from J's eyebrows are getting to everyone.

So Lurch goes home, Whitney is force fed some humble pie, and the world is happy again. Until next week, that is.

America's Next Top "Reality" Show

Now, we all know that no Reality Show can escape the wrath of their particular producers and editors. Due to the sheer amount of taped footage amassed per day, we know that someone has to sit there and sift through all boring crap to get to the juicy stuff. We know that shows are angled in order to make them more interesting to viewers, and we take it all with a grain of salt, hoping that at least some of it actually comes out the way the people on-screen intended it to.

And then there's America's Next Top Model.

This particular episode featured a "we're not quite sure who's to blame" Catch 22 situation, in which our darling Fatima had to get her travel papers from the Consulate in order to travel oversees (as she's a refugee and not an American citizen), but she also had to be in the photoshoot. But! If she was in the shoot she couldn't get her papers, so it wouldn't matter if she won or not as she wouldn't be able to go abroad, but if she was in the shot and granted admission oversees, then she wouldn't have her papers so couldn't go anyway.

Still with me?

Obviously we all knew that the producers were aware of the issue ahead of time (and one of the FIRST questions they must've asked was "do you have proper travel documentation?" and of course they would've worked with her immediately to procure said documentation once she made it on the show) as some nameless, faceless producer was on the phone with Fatima several times in the episode. And of course Tyra & Co. (including the Great Frosted One himself, Jay Alexander - J Alexander? Which one's J and which one's Jay?) knew exactly where Fatima was and what she was doing. And, obviously, they planned this all for this episode because - surprise! - it was the episode in which they found out they were going abroad.

Okay so. There's an hour of absolute needless panic on Fatima's part, and Tyra enjoyed being a massive bitch a little too much, constantly berating Fatima for missing the shoot, despite being fully aware of where she had been. So by this point, everyone watching the episode with me was throwing their hands up in exasperation. Okay, we get it! You're doing this for ratings, you want people to feel the pressure, but the cat's out of the bag and now we want to kill you all! Everyone knows that Fatima will be going abroad no matter what, otherwise they never would've spent nearly 45 minutes following her plight. And we all know Stacy Ann is doomed, because seriously, could they be anymore obvious?

And then there's the whole issue of the shoot itself. We're lead to believe that the girls take their pictures, then trot right into panel (all of 30 seconds later) for their weekly judging. Except that the judges have already gone through ALL of the pictures, and photoshopped together some monstrosity supposedly showcasing all the girls' best pictures. Okay, we may be loyal ANTM watchers, but we're not that stupid. Stop offending our brain power - we get it.

Anyway, here's this week's hot mess of a photo shoot:

Aaaand that's it. Even CWtv.com couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get a picture we could actually see. If you can't tell (because you can't, unless you have a magnifying glass) here's the order of the girls, from left-to-right:

Lauren: Seriously, I don't get it; she nearly cuts her finger off and is fine, yet someone messes with the coffee and she almost has an aneurysm - what is this crazy bitch's deal? And can someone tell me why she photographs so amazingly, and yet can't even talk two damn feet in high heels?? How is it possible to be that glamorous and graceful in pictures, and yet in person be the long lost humanoid relative of Big Foot?

Stacy Ann: Aww, Stacy Ann. Even though they showed her entire portfolio and revealed that she only had one look the entire time (okay well this week she made a new face, but it resembled an Ostrich attempting to eat Whitney's face) and even though they made it very clear from the get go that her ass was grass, I still felt for her. She's just so... bubbly. To put it nicely. And seriously, who the fuck sends home Stacy Ann, but keeps Dominique?? Especially seeing how they showcased her MISSING FUCKING TOOTH like 10 times! What happened to the days of Joanie, in which a slight snaggle tooth resulted in super expensive veneers??

Whitney: Now, I adored Whitney at first, but it turns out that she's kind of a massive stuck up bitch. I realize that some of her 'tude is from her own insecurities (she is the only plus size model to have made it this far in the show, and she knows how hard a struggle it's been) but come on - she's doing wonderfully, there's no need to be such a raging cunt. It's very unbecoming. And for once, Tyra's right - she needs to lose that pageant act, and fast.

Anya: Anya! Oh my god! Okay at first I was like "wtf" about her, because even though I found her endearing (like a more mentally challenged version of Natasha), the accent and the general air of "fucking stupid" was really getting to me. Now, however, I realized that she's super sweet (despite being, you know, super dense) and girl! can she take a picture! She and Katarzyna were really the only ones that embodied the feel of this shoot, and Anya was the one to really rock the whole episode. Sure, at the 7Up party people seemed cheerfully perplexed by her, but she was comfortable and chatty and warmed up to everyone. And - shocker!! - did you guys see her 7Up ad?? Gorgeous! I was so shocked! She deserved that big 'ole check at the end of it, because she looked absolutely amazing. Maybe she'll join the ranks of the other ANTM girls (all 2 of them) that are actually getting work.

Dominique: Who let Bert the Pilot into the shoot?? Oh wait, that's not a hideously ugly 40-year old man, that's just Dominique! With that missing, rotted stump of a tooth, the horrifyingly greasy, unwashed hair, and a face that looks like it was slammed repeatedly into a concrete wall, Dominique proves yet again that Tyra is a complete fucking moron, as she's been allowed to head over to Rome. While Stacy Ann - who is never confused for a man - is sent packing, our tranny mess is going abroad. There is something very wrong here.

And last, but certainly not least,

Katarzyna: If I ever woke up one morning and decided that I was attracted to women, Katarzyna sure as hell better make sure she keeps all her doors and windows locked - otherwise I'll be crawling right in there and attempting to seduce her with my patented, tried-and-true seduction technique. I won't spill all my secrets, but it does involve Barry White, chocolate sauce, and spandex. Enough said.

Sex aside, Katarzyna is my absolute favorite because not only is she gorgeous, and not only does she consistently rock both the shoots and the runway, but she's also sane. I don't think we've ever had a sane person on the show before, so it's like accidentally finding a Marc Jacobs bag in the racks at WalMart. She did a fabulous job this week, and I was shocked that she wasn't called second. Sometimes I want to throttle Tyra, but at least she finally called my girl Kat, and all was right in the world. Besides, you know, Dominique showing her ugly face all over in the background. Here's to hoping she "accidentally disappears" in Rome.

And, next week - benvenuto a Roma!

America's Next Top (Drowned) Model

Days till Old Age: 5 (I had to look up what day it was, that's what state my brain is in)
Days till My Uterus Explodes: idk like, probably twenty seconds from now

I seriously think my uterus is going to blow up and kill everyone within a five mile radius. I was feeling great after surgery, but beginning Wednesday night my uterus decided it was time to rebel, and has been oozing blood. Yeah, that's right, I said it: oozing blood. It sounds a hell of a lot grosser than it actually is in practice, but it's still gross, and it hurts like a mother fucker, and it is not helping my cabin fever and current manic feelings. Apparently it's from a wound from surgery, when my doctor clamped my uterus in order to move it around. Yeah, if that didn't just make me the sexiest person in existence, I just don't know what will.

Oh, wait, you want real sexy? Then I guess it's a good thing I waited till now to do this week's ANTM recap! On to the real sexiness!

This Week's Episode: Saran Wrap and Models in Puddles

This week's episode was disappointing for a variety of reasons. First of all, was anyone else hoping that Claire had indeed given herself a concussion (or at the very least, broken her neck and paralyzed herself?) when she hilariously face planted onto the, uh... giant Saran Wrap screen? I was so pissed when she pushed herself back up and started moving around, as I'd been praying she'd at least knock herself unconscious, and drown in the small pool of water. I guess it just wasn't my night.

Second of all, did anyone else want to cry when they chopped off Katarzyna's hair? Like I said right after the makeover edition, they could shave her bald and stick her in a paper bag, and the girl would still be amazingly hot, but must they keep butchering her hair? Like, c'mon, really people. Okay so she rocked an Emo look for one shoot - that does not mean you need to hack off her tresses. I suppose, in some ways, it does take away some of the sex kitten aspect she couldn't shake (or the "Eastern European tackiness" - thank you, Paulina) but I just don't get it. I mean, it's not like Tyra's prone to making sound decisions, but I still hold out hope. I guess I'm too optimistic.

Lastly, it was also the Go See Episode, and while they at least they were (finally) taken pity on this episode, I still hate the go sees with a fiery passion. The girls are always so fucking stupid at their appointments, and you seriously have to wonder just how the hell they manage to function in society on a daily basis. This time was no different. Fatima scared everyone with her under 100 lb frame, the Dominique/Whitney group didn't know when to shut the fuck up, people were ungrateful in front of the designers, and Lauren proved, yet again, that she should never be allowed anywhere near civilized people. (Seriously, I was afraid the bitch was going to start tweaking out again - what the fuck was she thinking in that fight about fucking coffee??)

At any rate, the shoot was... interesting. I'll give it that much. Some of the pictures were fabulous (and it pains me to say so, seeing as some of the ones I adored were from people I want to kill, but whatever) but others clearly said, "hey, we're attempting to drown awkward models in small puddles on Saran Wrap." Not quite something you usually see in the pages of Vogue. Here are the pictures, in order of call out:

Winner: Fatima

I hate that Fatima did so well, because I have to admit that she... well, you know, did really well. She looks graceful and perfectly proportioned, and she really just flows with the whole shoot. She embodies the feel of the shoot and doesn't let that whole "water in my eyes, nose, mouth, etc" thing shake her off. Most unfortunately. And I also have to admit that I was actually on her side during Lauren's insanity. Fatima was - for once - nothing but nice, and actually apologetic, yet Lauren continued to scream and rant like she was about to eat her face off. I'm kind of disappointed that it didn't escale to that point, really. Two birds, and all.


Anya

Oh, Anya. I'm convinced there's nothing but some cotton stuffing in your skull, but I have to admit that you're a good model. Anya knows how to pose, and she has no qualms about acting ridiculous in order to get the shot (it also helps that she's always acting ridiculous) and it shows. Her last few pictures have been really good, and she continues to chug along and consistently do well. Even if her eyebrows seem to have escaped her face.


Katarzyna

OMG how excited were all of you when Katarzyna finally made Cover Girl of the Week?? I may have shrieked a little out loud - not only did Claire finally get kicked the fuck out of the spot, it went to my absolute favorite girl in the competition. Katarzyna is gorgeous and takes incredible pictures (I actually think she did better than Anya here, but at least she was called out third) and consistently does well. She can walk, she looked amazing in all of the designer pieces at the Go Sees, and she takes beautiful pictures. Sure, she could be more outgoing and... zanier... like the other competitors, but the fact that she's so normal and sweet is so damn refreshing. The judges should stop harping on her to be crazier, and appreciate the fact that finally someone is normal (and tolerated by the general population.)


Whitney

Ummm... Whitney. Okay, Whitney is still fierce as hell, and I am still very excited that she's doing so well, and seems to be in the competition for the long haul, but this episode I was kind of... baffled. That she would bitch about the designer right there in the designer's studio was shocking, and I wanted to slap some sense into her. Yes, she's gorgeous, and yes, it's unfair that even though she is so gorgeous she won't be able to be in the same shows as the other girls, but she knows this. Unlike most of the girls, Whitney's not an idiot, and she needs to pull herself together. Sure, I'd love to see them send her on a Go See that caters to plus sized models, but hey, the second designer did have women of all sizes in their shows, and happily said they'd use her, so she needs to stop the pity party. She's so lucky she's made it this far, and is actually a force to reckon with. Now stop the goddamn bitching. Oh, and one more thing - what the fuck is a "fabulous, full sized fetus?" Is that supposed to be a compliment, Paulina?


Stacy Ann

Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann. I'm still not sure what to do with her. I have to admit that - even with her ostrich face and falsetto voice - she's growing on me. I still think she's kind of scary in general, but she does have the certain... je ne sais quois. Well, she has something at least. And I was impressed by how good she looked in the designer samples at the go sees. Her skin is so beautiful, and it looked brilliant against the clothes, and it helped that she could actually, you know, walk in them. She's still not my favorite, but at least she's not Dominique. Oh, and that brings me to...


Dominique

Let me ask you the same question I asked you last week - do you know what this is? This is a dude. A dude in a dress. A dude in a dress in a puddle of water. There is nothing in this world that can convince me that Dominique is actually a woman, even if you pulled her pants off and aired her vagina like Paris Hilton during a night on the town. Dominique is a man. She's literally so horrifically ugly that it offends me. Every time she's shown on the screen, I want to run to New York, hunt her down and beat her to a bloody pulp, just to stop the madness. Between the soccer mom hair, the pulsating, protruding veins in her neck, and the general offensiveness that is anything above her shoulders, it's just too much to handle. It's like she's been placed there solely to anger me. Her pictures are hideous and awkward and good fucking lord, I can't wait for the day that the villagers storm the studios with their pitchforks and torches and off her.


Lauren: Bottom Two

Uh, I'm not sure what happened here, but I think that Lauren went on the rampage, then slipped and fell to her untimely death on this screen. It really looks like she just fell and splattered messily everywhere - very much like a bug on a windshield. It's not graceful or attractive, which isn't surprising, seeing as Lauren is the exact antithesis of both graceful and attractive. And seriously, this whole Anger Management Issue thing is really freaking me out. Sure, she occasionally takes good pictures, but she's otherwise completely incapable of modeling in any capacity, and she's probably going to snap and murder all of the other contestants, so we could probably get her in a straight jacket sooner than later. Although how awesome was it to see the second designer literally gape at how terrible Lauren's Lurch walk is? She was so horrified!


Claire: Went Home

Thank GOD! At least ONE good thing came out of this episode! Claire has been on thin ice from the moment her ugly ass sauntered out for her first minute on air, in all her half-buzzed-head, self-breast milk-drinking glory. Claire is 24 but looks 54, and is so untalented and hideous that I was terrified she'd end up in the final 2. And what was the deal with her (until this week) because the goddamn Cover Girl of the Week?? Claire brought absolutely nothing to the proverbial table, and every week she stayed on, I wept for all our sakes. At least now she can go back to her baby (you know, the one she misses soooo much, but willingly abandoned for a half-assed reality tv show?) and save us all the horror of being subjected to her face and body.

ANTM Hurts My Brain

Days till Surgery: 4
Days till Old Age: 13

Now, usually, ANTM always hurts my brain: the girls are shockingly loud and obnoxious, the pictures are usually hilarious, Tyra is always completely insane, the J(ay)s frighten me, and the judges always pick the least talented, least model-esque girls to "continue on towards becoming America's Next Top Model." This week, however, things were thrown around a bit, and for once I'm almost at a loss for words. Almost. In order to better tackle this conundrum, I've put this week's pictures in order of call out, from best to worst:

Whitney: Grunge

Okay, well, I'm torn on this one. I'm so happy that they're finally taking a plus sized model seriously, and I love Whitney, I reall do. I think she's gorgeous and talented and I'm so happy to see her holding her own. At the same time, all of her goddamn pictures have the same face - that slack jawed, slightly dazed, slightly surprised look that kind of makes you cringe, cause you don't want any flies buzzing in there or whatever. I mean this picture looks great (if rather The Crow-esque) but I was hoping we'd see more from her than just an open mouth. So I'm a little surprised that she was called out first. Tyra, what are you thinking?


Katarzyna: Emo

Now this picture deserved to get the first call out, in my humble opinion. Katarzyna looks absolutely stunning here, and finally proves that she's not just some mail-order pin-up bride from Russia. This picture alone shows just how versatile she is, and how she can rock anything from a lingerie cruise on the Hudson to an Emo photoshoot with lots and lots of black eyeliner and hurt feelings. I'm so happy that Tyra & Co. actually recognize how good she is. I loved her from the beginning and saw a lot of potential in her, so of course I assumed she'd be going home first.


Fatima: Heavy Metal

Now this I don't get at all. Yes, Fatima finally realized that her legs are indeed a part of her body, and finally posed them accordingly, but otherwise the photo is ridiculous. Yes, she finally "got into it" and showed some kind of expression, but she looks like a KISS reject, and rather than it being ~provocative~ it comes across as really scary. Like, hiding under your bed scary. There were a lot of much better pictures this time around, so I have no idea why she was called out so high; I'm thinking Tyra just wants to make a fuss about Fatima actually listening to her for once. Because, you know, listening to Tyra guarantees her a spot among the greats, and all.



Lauren: Pop

I have no idea how this picture expresses "Pop" especially because when I think of the term I envision Miley Cyrus, and oldschool Britney and Christina. But whatever. At any rate, the picture is... okay. I'm glad that Lauren is so much fierce in pictures than she is in person (especially because she's so horrific in person) but this picture leaves much to be desired. It's... just okay. Not great, not terrible, just okay. Like Fatima, I have no idea how she got called out so highly, especially when there are much better pictures still to come. Again I think it's a "listen to Tyra and climb the ranks!" thing which pisses me off.



Anya: Punk Rock

Now this is one of the pictures that should've been called out after the top 2. Anya looks amazing here, and uses her full body (feet, legs, torso, arms, face, etc) to really bring both the pose and the theme of the shot to life. She does a much better job than Fatima and Lauren, yet is called out after. Which again makes me want to beat my head off my desk. Although, like Katarzyna, I liked Anya from the beginning, so I was anticipating her going home right away. At any rate, she actually rocks her ridiculous platinum 'do here, so I'm happy for now. I just hope she ends up kicking some ass in the future, and doesn't get stuck so low in the pecking order.



Dominique: Folk

Do you know what this is? This is a dude in a dress. A dude, in a dress. There's nothing even remotely appealing about this picture, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand why she wasn't in the bottom two this week (and especially why her manly ass wasn't sent packing.) Sure, her waist looks kinda small, and I guess the whole outfit and outdoors scene gives her that "Folk" feeling they're going for, but Dominique herself (himself?) brings absolutely nothing to the plate. Ooh, a slight tilt - genius! Clearly that embodies the Folk theme! Ugh. She's so freaking hideous, both in person and in pictures, yet she continues to stay on. Tyra, I know you're doing this just to piss me off, and I'm so sorry to say it's working. Damn you and your lack of a soul!



Stacy Ann: House

Okay, usually I hate Stacy Ann. Like, hate Stacy Ann. With the fury of a thousand suns. But this week I was shocked to find that I really liked her picture. There's something about the pink color against her skin, and her expression and body pose here that I really, really like. And, quite frankly, I'm baffled that she's so low in the call-out order. Sure, it's not overwhelmingly full of emotion, but I thought it was a great shot - something you'd easily see in the pages of Nylon, for example. It just seems very natural and very easy, so I don't get the low call out - especially because she's crazy, and Tyra loves her crazy ass. And Tyra's favorites always get first dibs.



Claire: Country

It kills me to say this, but... I like this picture. A lot. I still would've preferred to see Claire leave over Aimee, but that's mostly because I hate her in person, and I think she looks like a 60 year old dementia patient who's been locked up for years in a psych ward. But this picture is very interesting; soft but it highlights her strong angles feminine, but you get the hint of cowgirl beneath it; kind of plain, but it speaks volumes. So of course it's in the bottom two. Now I'll admit, she's not doing much in this picture unlike some of the others who are bending all over the place, and making more of an outward gesture of emotion, but I think this picture speaks to Claire's ability to just do it - to sit there and still take a good picture. This is the difference between her picture and Dominique's - both of them are just there, but Claire really brings some depth to it. So of course she's in the bottom two? IDK. I also don't get why Claire is STILL the Covergirl of the week! Seriously! She brings nothing entertaining to this show!


Aimee: R&B

And Aimee, once one of my top picks for this competition, goes home tonight. I have to admit that I was wrong in my choice, and I do (mostly) agree with her being sent home. I would of course have wanted Fatima or Dominique to go home instead (especially Dominique, cause that is all new levels of hideous) but Aimee just hasn't had "it" lately. The last few pictures of hers have been boring and uninteresting, and while I love her look, and I really liked her in person, she's falling flat on camera. Sadly, I have to admit it was (probably) her time to go, and I have to keep my fingers crossed and pray that next week, our resident Tranny man is the one sent home. Please, Tyra God, work your magic in my favor for once, okay? Please??

America's Next Top PETA Target

Days till Surgery: 18
Days till Old Age: 26

We've seen a lot of crazy photo shoots on ANTM, there's no denying that. There was the model suicide shoot, the smoking effects shoot, the "controversial political issue" shoot, and so on and so forth. But this week, Tyra thought she'd outdo herself by draping the girls in meet, ruining a plethora of potential meals, and exposing va jay jays everywhere to the tastiness that is E Coli. Mmm, where to begin!

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. There were so many highlights before we got to the girls dressing in dead animal carcasses, and it would be a disservice to myself and all my readers if I didn't go into those issues first. So, let's see... we had the girls screaming over everything once again; we had the girls shrieking out the Tyra mail messages again; we had Fatima being a bitch again; we had Amis being a fucking moron again; we had Lauren prove that she's entirely incapable of putting one foot in front of the other again; and we had Dominique prove to the world that she's really a male-to-female transsexual. Again. Seriously, what the fuck Dominique! When people can't tell your gender, at least do something with your hair so they can sort of tell you're supposed to be a female! Is that really too trying??

Okay so, moving on!

Here are the girls' pictures, complete with my very own sassy commentary:

Aimee:

Well... she's not great, but she's not terrible. She's still definitely one of the best looking girls, and she has potential (her walk isn't all that bad) but she needs to bring it up a notch. She's just sort of... there. This picture is whatever. I mean, it didn't land her in the bottom two, but it sure got her close to it. I still think the red hair was a terrible choice - maybe she'd feel better if her head didn't constantly look like it was on fire. Just sayin'.

Claire:

Okay, I don't understand why the fuck Claire is the Cover Model of the Week every damn week! Last cycle Heather was CMoW because she was awesome and everyone lived her. Claire is... well, she's not Dominique and she's not Fatima, so automatically she's okay, but there's nothing special about her. She doesn't do anything that endears us to her. Sure, this picture's pretty good, but that's about all she's got.

Dominique:

Ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH!!! What the fuck, girl? (Girl?) Every single fucking time Dominique went face-to-face with the camera, it was like she was intent on confounding ever viewer. Am I a woman? Or a man? You'll never know! It's called makeup and a hairbrush, even the J(ay)s get it, for fuck's sake. She's just so hideously offensive looking, I can't get over it. And why do the judges insist on picking poses where her leg cellulite and flab are showing? Stop highlighting it! If you want to focus on something, focus on trying to get her to prove she's a woman!

Katarzyna:

Thank god for her. She's beautiful and capable, she won the runway challenge (she's mastered the art of "walking," even if it was a little too quickly) and she can actually pose. I don't understand why the judges keep insisting she looks like a Russian hooker (okay the shoot last week was a little mail order bride-ish, but she was in lingerie and the photographer kept making her pose that way!) but at least they called her out third this week. Lord only knows she should've already gone home by now, given that she's attractive and capable.

Lauren:

Oh, Lauren. I don't know what to do with you. You take fierce pictures, okay? I'll give you that. But you're the most awkward thing I've ever seen in my entire life. At least Heather last cycle could walk. Her idea of walking is to hurry (nearly sprint) down the runway, then turn and dash away just as quickly. Don't you dare get offended with Jaslene "The Chin" Gonzalez asks if you really want to be there - you looked like you were running away from your very worst nightmare. Or maybe Dominique first thing in the morning.

Marvita:

Marvita is the perfect example of why ANTM is absolutely pointless, and why the girls never get any work. Marvita is a joke - she's ugly, she's manly, she can't pose and she can't walk - yet the judges continuously praise her and claim they see real model potential. What? Last time I checked, models weren't based off of horses. Coat hangers, sure, but at least they have a certain "whimsy something" to them. Marvita looks like a crotchety old hose with teeth issues, that should've been put out to pasture ages ago.

Stacy Ann:

Try as I might, I just can't take Stacy Ann seriously. Be it her lap dances, her butt shakes, her squeaky cartoon voice, or the fact that she looks like an ostrich on speed, this girl is just one walking cartoon character. She makes no sense, she's obnoxious, and she's not even remotely model material. Which means that she'll probably end up in the top two at the end of the cycle.

Whitney:

Girl, I love you something fierce! Whitney is beautiful and fabulous, and it makes me so damn happy that she's doing so well in this cycle. She has talent both on the runway (boob falling out aside) and in the shoots, and she's confident and strong without being arrogant. And she stands up for the other girls when Dominique and Marvita & Co. go on the attack. I can't wait to see her beat some serious bitch ass next week! Hopefully she'll end up "accidentally" snapping Fatima in two as well.


And now we move onto the this week's Winner, and this week's Bottom 1.5. You'll see.

Winner: Anya

Okay, this is a fabulous picture, I must admit. Anya has a great body, and she has a very high fashion look right here. She does photograph well, you have to give her that much. She knows what to do with her body in shoots, and she works it well. Her walk is pretty bad, but so is everyone else's, so for now we can overlook that. But in person, it's another story entirely. Why does the Hawaiian girl have a Russian accent? And why hasn't she fixed those monstrous eyebrows? She needs to get herself together, stat.

Bottom Two: Fatima

As usual, Fatima spent the entire hour bitching, complaining, and making fun of everyone around her. Now, some people can do this and it's hilarious (see: Dionne) but that's because she had a heart and was sweet too. Fatima is just an angry, angry bitch. And this week she sucked royally. Her walk was awkward as all, and what the fuck is this picture? She looks like her legs got stuck in concrete, and she's halfheartedly attempting to swivel free. And the face? When the photographers constantly tell you to CHANGE YOUR EXPRESSION, you do! It's for a reason!

Bottom Two (Went Home): Amis

The CW Website doesn't even have Amis' picture up right now. That's probably because it's so horrible it's literally painful. Amis was (as usual) a fucking maniac this episode, showed the world that she doesn't brush her hair, and then tried to play it off like she was just nervous. No, you skipping maniac, you're not nervous, you're an idiot. And a pathetic one, at that. Thank god she's gone - and hopefully, Fatima will be next.

Makeovers, and Models, and Fashion Shows (Seriously, Oh My)

Days till Surgery: 25
Days till Old Age: 33

Last night was a truly epic night for the fashion world. Not only were we able to witness the shockingly horrible transformations on ANTM's makeover episode, we were also able to see firsthand the amazingness that was Project Runway's season finale. Let's start with the terrible, and move on to the fabulous.

America's Next Top... "Model?"

Now the Makeover Episode is always my favorite episode. It's so fun to watch the girls get absolutely butchered, and it's also fun to see some of my faves actually get good do's. Unfortunately this time around, I believe maybe one or two girls max actually had flattering styles. I don't know where they found these stylists (I propose homeless in an alley?) but they were absolutely horrible. Most of the girls looked even stupider than before, which is saying a lot. And it didn't help that they literally spent the entire episode shrieking like a group of drunken banshees. Seriously, girls, my ear drums are begging for you to shut the fuck up already.

So, without further ado, I present to you the girls' makeovers:

Aimee: Aimee's make over is... well, she did need to do something with her hair to keep her from looking washed out, although I'm not entirely sure "fire engine red" was the best choice. Now she sort of looks cartoonish. At least the color seems to have given her a bit more oomph and she seems more confident with it?






Allison: Oh, Allison... you think you're such a fabulous model but gurl, you're hideous. And what is with that eye? At any rate, I knew bitch was going home as soon as she started pulling the "I'm the best" card. Sorry chickie, karma always trumps in ANTM. Also, no new hair color will fix your face - you're just doomed.






Amis: Well... she needed longer hair, that was a given. She was too masculine with the shorter hair. Unfortunately, I think even if she was given Rapunzel-esque tresses, she still would look like a dude. Idk what's up with ATMN turning into "America's Next Top Tranny" but I really don't like it.






Anya: Good fucking lord. Seriously? Seriously??? First of all, the blond makes her look like a Norwegian hooker, and second of all, what did you do to her eyebrows? Yes, I understand the importance of keeping eyebrows similar to your hair color, but making them so light they disappear entirely just leaves the model looking retarded. Moreso.






Claire: So they made Claire over into... Jay Alexander? Seriously, if she didn't look old before, now she looks like she should be on the cover of AARP Magazine. She looks hideously old, and that platinum looks gray. Never dye the oldest model's hair a shade seen only on the elderly.







Dominique: Speaking of America's Next Top Tranny, our "girl" Dominique got an... interesting makeover. The darker color makes her look far less 'street' (so to speak) but the soccer mom haircut isn't fooling anyone. If you want her to look sort of like a chick, don't give her an old lady/skater boy haircut. Give the girl some weave!






Fatima: I think Fatima had the best makeover, hands down. Not only is it immensely flattering, but it makes her look shockingly like the goddess Iman - something everyone strives to be. Now if the bitch could only stop being, well, a bitch, maybe she'd make something of herself... but I don't see that happening anytime soon.





Katarzyna:I think it'd be very hard to make Katarzyna look bad, and even though I don't like this hair color on her all that much, I still think she looks gorgeous - she just has that face. I think it's a little too severe (the light brown/dark blond shade she had really worked for her) but she does manage to pull it off, so no real damage done.







Lauren: Okay, Lauren looks better, but would've been better than that greasy, grimy pigtailed thing she had going on. Now at least she looks like a female. If only she could actually put high heels on and stop walking around like Quasimodo, maybe we'd have something to work with. I mean, not really, but still.






Marvita: Oh, I get it, they wanted to go with the skunk-mullet chic look this season? Seriously, what the fuck, who does that? Now Marvita still looks like a fucking moron, but with a horse tail to match. FYI: That is so far from high fashion it's literally painful.







Stacy Ann: Once Stacy Ann stops squawking you can see that she does have an interesting face, although I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. At any rate, the new do does show off her bone structure, even if it also hones in on her uncanny resemblance to an ostrich.







Whitney: The same thing goes for Whitney that goes for Katarzyna - it's very hard to make them look bad, and while I don't like the color at all, she's still gorgeous. I just don't understand the blond - her dark brown locks were perfect with her skin tone and her eyes - why wash her out with the lighter color?





At any rate, I think the producers had a good idea this Makeover Episode, deciding not to let the girls see their transformations until they were already literally transformed. This saved us hours and hours of girls sobbing and freaking out (after just declaring "do anything to me, I don't care!") Of course Fatima still bawled, because her weave hurt - not that anyone cares, seeing as how Fatima has no soul.

I did feel sort of badly for her when Allison made that retarded remark about black women taking it from behind (I don't even understand it - it's not like black chicks are well known for doggy style sex - all chicks are well known for doggy style sex) but then of course Fatima went nuts with the whole anorexia issue, so really I just wanted to shoot the both of them in the face.

Moving on to the photoshoot, we were able to see that no amount of hacking and dying and screwing people over could give the girls any talent, and we were treated to nearly half an hour of horrific poses and awkward shots. I know modeling is harder than it looks, but it's not fucking rocket science. Anyway, there's no need to post the pictures, because they're all fucking horrible. Seriously, it's the worst batch of pictures we've ever seen. So, I'm just going to describe the "first call out" and the bottom two.

Top:

Lauren (...ik, rite?)
Uh... Okay, we get it, she's awkward. And yes, we get it, many top models are terribly awkward, and it's all a part of their charm. But the difference between those models and Lauren is that those models are in control of their bodies, and are able to use their awkwardness as an asset. They can pose, they can walk, and they can put on their own goddamn heels, unlike Lauren, who literally could not figure out how to get her foot into the shoe. It's not that difficult, dear - most of us figured that out before Elementary school.

Bottom Two:

Dominique:
Now, to be fair, Dominique had one hell of a disadvantage because she's really a he. And it also didn't help that the photo editors really fucked her over; all of those pictures are airbrushed to hell (have you seen the difference between Lauren's picture, and what her real, pale, acne riddled face looks like? Good lord!) but the editors decided it would be a good idea to leave one part of Dominique's body unaltered - and that would be her thigh, which showed her cellulite. Because yes, even models have cellulite, but every editor airbrushes it out. Not doing so only gave Tyra ammunition, and was clearly... well, I don't know what it was. They didn't send her home, so it only made her look heavy and bad. Awkward.

Allison (Sent Home):
Everyone knew Allison was going home from the minute she opened her mouth and started declaring that she was the best model, and she had the most experience, and she's been to Taiwan, and she was never going home. Well guess what, bitch, you went home. I hated her cockiness and her fucked up ego, especially because I think it's clearly one of those misplaced egos - she obviously has no real self-esteem (hello, she used to be anorexic, obviously she has body and self issues) but needs to constantly be bragging about herself in order to feel better about herself. And what the hell is a girl doing on there that used to be anorexic? Being around thin, constantly dieting girls, and constantly measuring yourself and being critiqued by photographers does not endorse a healthy lifestyle for some with prior issues. So, adios Allison. It's for the best. Now go get that eye fixed, or I'll fix it for you.


Now it's time for...

PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON 4 FINALE!!!!!

Oh, Project Runway! How I love you so. This was such a fabulous finale for many reasons:

1. Rami actually made a few outfits without draping. Proof positive that people can change.
2. Jillian proved she is a fucking amazing designer, and women everywhere want to wear her clothes.
3. Christian was meek and humble! Gone was the bratty, snotty attitude, which was amazingly refreshing. For the first time, I didn't have the urge to punch him in his little elven face (even though I do love him so.)

I was disappointed that Chris wasn't in the final three, but I think that whole "human hair" thing may have been a bit much. At any rate, I was impressed with the clothes, pleased with the reactions, and constantly surprised at the outcomes.

I really thought that Jillian was going to win. Rami's clothes were... well, a few things were really nice, but I found the majority of his collection garish and tacky. Christian had an amazing collection, but a lot of his outfits were very similar, and a lot of them were really over designed. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but in a competition like this, I thought it was overkill. Jillian's, on the other hand, were chic, creative, unique, and all around gorgeous. I would totally buy anything from her collection without a second thought.

Of course then I was shocked - SHOCKED - when Jillian was the bottom of the three! What the fuck. I can see her losing to Christian because he has such a good grasp of high fashion and show technique, but to lose to Rami? How did the judges like his crap so much?? Sure, a few things were nice, but the rest were, as Christian would say, full of barfness. I was terrified that he was going to win, but in the end, by little elven boy Christian Siriano was the winner! It was adorable when he started crying (especially because he was crying before they announced the winner) and it was so good to see him being so humble and grateful and normal with his family and the judges. At only 21, Christian is incredibly talented, and I really think he's going to become quite a force in the fashion world. And I (along with Victoria Beckham, who was practically salivating over his collection) really, really want one of his black ruffled jackets. I can't afford one, I'm sure, but I want one.

America's Next Top... Something

Days till Boston: Tonight
Days till Old Age: 40

Oh, America's Next Top Model. You've tried so hard to reinvent yourself this season - a new city, a new opening montage, even some 'variations' to the ridiculous song Tyra sings for the credits - but it's just not enough.

Take last night's episode, for example. Between the two - yes TWO - eliminations, and Paulina's assessment of the girls, it was clear that Tyra & Co. are continuing on their path of picking the girls with the least amount of potential. Most of them could barely model for Walmart.

Okay so, let's first see who went home, and then we can deal with the survivors:

First Elimination
In a (not so) surprising twist, Kimberly - the idiot from the dreaded western Mass region - realized that, like, omigod, since she doesn't, like, condone (not her word, that's beyond her grasp) spending, like, money, on designer duds, she probably, like, shouldn't model. Omigod really? REALLY? You fucking idiot. I thought Tyra was going to snap her neck. Here's her picture - the judges thought it was good, I thought they were on crack:

Not only does she look like a man, she looks like a constipated man

Second Elimination:
I also saw this one coming, mostly because a) i couldn't remember her name, and b) she was god-fucking-awful during the photo shoot. Seriously, it was like she was mentally retarded. Oh wait... Atalya (oh that's her name) was sent packing, even though Kim had already peaced out. At least they made one good decision last night.

Yeah, that's... that's... yeah.

So, two down, twelve to go! Of course if we went with Paulina's assessment, it would be more like twn down, four to go. Unfortunately, Paulina only has so much to power. At any rate, I almost laughed my ass off when she told Dominique she looked like a man - especially because I do believe Dominique was called a tranny no less than four times this episode. Sweetie, if everyone around you is telling you they think you're a dude, you should probably take that to heart.

It's not that she's ugly, per se, it's that she makes a much hotter dude

Anyway, here's how the rest of the group did, in order of their call outs:

Anya: Oh, I like Anya! I like Anya a lot. She may be slightly retarded, but she has a great face, and she photographs beautifully. Please don't kick her out, k?



Claire: Um... honestly, I have no idea why the judges like Claire (oh, that's right, they're insane.) She seems like a really fun person in general, but she's gross looking. She's 24 and looks 40, and there's nothing high fashion about her. She kind of looks like she's the homeless one.



Whitney: I LOVE WHITNEY! And I was so glad she got called out third! She really is the best plus sized model ANTM has ever had, and she' so damn fierce. I really, really hope they keep her around for as long as they can.



Lurch, er, Lauren: Okay seriously, what the FUCK. Tyra, I know you want a toy to groom, but Lauren is all kinds of wrong. The picture's not too bad, but she can't walk, she can't stand, and she can't articulate. She's a mess, and not a hot mess, just a gross mess of nothingness.



Aimee: Oh, Aimee, I like you too. Aimee, Anya, and Katarzyna are my faves - they all look sort of similar, with a very "in" look. I think they're all beautiful, and they all photograph very well. Just get rid of the other 9 girls, and we're golden.



Fatima: Fatima looks like one of Hello Kitty's friends, and it's driving me crazy that I can't figure out which one it is. A monkey thing, perhaps. At any rate, she's much thinner than I thought she was, and much more hideously bitchy than I thought she was. I know, you were circumcised, I feel badly for you, but stop being a miserable cunt already.



Marvita: We GET it! You had a horrible past, you were homeless, you were abused, we know already. Stop telling us, now it's just a ploy to get attention. Listen, Marvita, you look like a man (an ugly man, too), you can't walk, you can't pose, and you sure as hell don't photograph well. Now go untuck yourself, and hit the streets.



Katarzyna: She is my absolute favorite this season (and maybe my favorite look of the entire show.) Katar-whatever has such an interesting, beautiful face (so she'll probably go home... next) and I think designers would really be clamoring over her. Oh, and wtf about her wearing too much makeup - I think she just has kind of shiny skin? Idk, I'm terrible with makeup, what do I know.



Stacy Ann: Does she - or does she - look exactly like "Dani" from cycle 6? It's uncanny. At any rate, the only thing that stands out about her is that goddamn lap dance that won't go away. Get over it already! Plus, it creeps me out - in person she looks like she's 12, so it's kind of awkward.



Allison: Allison is butt-motherfucking-ugly. Seriously, there is something wrong with her face! Her eyes are either cross-eyed or set too close together - I'm not sure which, but it's bad all the same. She looks like she has Downs S



Amis: Something is definitely amiss here. Get it?? Yeah, Amis is an obnoxious pain in the ass, and I was very happy she was in the bottom two. Hopefully next week they can kick her ass out (or Allison's, since Allison was in the bottom three.) This chick is so damn awkward, it's painful to watch her. Get out, please.


And that's where we leave off this week! I wish Tyra had gone on a rampage and killed Kimberly (and Marvita, and Fatima, and Amis, and Allison) but not all wishes can come true. At least there's always next week.