America's Next Top... Something

Days till Boston: Tonight
Days till Old Age: 40

Oh, America's Next Top Model. You've tried so hard to reinvent yourself this season - a new city, a new opening montage, even some 'variations' to the ridiculous song Tyra sings for the credits - but it's just not enough.

Take last night's episode, for example. Between the two - yes TWO - eliminations, and Paulina's assessment of the girls, it was clear that Tyra & Co. are continuing on their path of picking the girls with the least amount of potential. Most of them could barely model for Walmart.

Okay so, let's first see who went home, and then we can deal with the survivors:

First Elimination
In a (not so) surprising twist, Kimberly - the idiot from the dreaded western Mass region - realized that, like, omigod, since she doesn't, like, condone (not her word, that's beyond her grasp) spending, like, money, on designer duds, she probably, like, shouldn't model. Omigod really? REALLY? You fucking idiot. I thought Tyra was going to snap her neck. Here's her picture - the judges thought it was good, I thought they were on crack:

Not only does she look like a man, she looks like a constipated man

Second Elimination:
I also saw this one coming, mostly because a) i couldn't remember her name, and b) she was god-fucking-awful during the photo shoot. Seriously, it was like she was mentally retarded. Oh wait... Atalya (oh that's her name) was sent packing, even though Kim had already peaced out. At least they made one good decision last night.

Yeah, that's... that's... yeah.

So, two down, twelve to go! Of course if we went with Paulina's assessment, it would be more like twn down, four to go. Unfortunately, Paulina only has so much to power. At any rate, I almost laughed my ass off when she told Dominique she looked like a man - especially because I do believe Dominique was called a tranny no less than four times this episode. Sweetie, if everyone around you is telling you they think you're a dude, you should probably take that to heart.

It's not that she's ugly, per se, it's that she makes a much hotter dude

Anyway, here's how the rest of the group did, in order of their call outs:

Anya: Oh, I like Anya! I like Anya a lot. She may be slightly retarded, but she has a great face, and she photographs beautifully. Please don't kick her out, k?



Claire: Um... honestly, I have no idea why the judges like Claire (oh, that's right, they're insane.) She seems like a really fun person in general, but she's gross looking. She's 24 and looks 40, and there's nothing high fashion about her. She kind of looks like she's the homeless one.



Whitney: I LOVE WHITNEY! And I was so glad she got called out third! She really is the best plus sized model ANTM has ever had, and she' so damn fierce. I really, really hope they keep her around for as long as they can.



Lurch, er, Lauren: Okay seriously, what the FUCK. Tyra, I know you want a toy to groom, but Lauren is all kinds of wrong. The picture's not too bad, but she can't walk, she can't stand, and she can't articulate. She's a mess, and not a hot mess, just a gross mess of nothingness.



Aimee: Oh, Aimee, I like you too. Aimee, Anya, and Katarzyna are my faves - they all look sort of similar, with a very "in" look. I think they're all beautiful, and they all photograph very well. Just get rid of the other 9 girls, and we're golden.



Fatima: Fatima looks like one of Hello Kitty's friends, and it's driving me crazy that I can't figure out which one it is. A monkey thing, perhaps. At any rate, she's much thinner than I thought she was, and much more hideously bitchy than I thought she was. I know, you were circumcised, I feel badly for you, but stop being a miserable cunt already.



Marvita: We GET it! You had a horrible past, you were homeless, you were abused, we know already. Stop telling us, now it's just a ploy to get attention. Listen, Marvita, you look like a man (an ugly man, too), you can't walk, you can't pose, and you sure as hell don't photograph well. Now go untuck yourself, and hit the streets.



Katarzyna: She is my absolute favorite this season (and maybe my favorite look of the entire show.) Katar-whatever has such an interesting, beautiful face (so she'll probably go home... next) and I think designers would really be clamoring over her. Oh, and wtf about her wearing too much makeup - I think she just has kind of shiny skin? Idk, I'm terrible with makeup, what do I know.



Stacy Ann: Does she - or does she - look exactly like "Dani" from cycle 6? It's uncanny. At any rate, the only thing that stands out about her is that goddamn lap dance that won't go away. Get over it already! Plus, it creeps me out - in person she looks like she's 12, so it's kind of awkward.



Allison: Allison is butt-motherfucking-ugly. Seriously, there is something wrong with her face! Her eyes are either cross-eyed or set too close together - I'm not sure which, but it's bad all the same. She looks like she has Downs S



Amis: Something is definitely amiss here. Get it?? Yeah, Amis is an obnoxious pain in the ass, and I was very happy she was in the bottom two. Hopefully next week they can kick her ass out (or Allison's, since Allison was in the bottom three.) This chick is so damn awkward, it's painful to watch her. Get out, please.


And that's where we leave off this week! I wish Tyra had gone on a rampage and killed Kimberly (and Marvita, and Fatima, and Amis, and Allison) but not all wishes can come true. At least there's always next week.