When in Rome: Don't Do as the Models Do

Oh GOD, this week's ANTM episode! Could it get any better than this?? But before I start really gushing, let me point out a few facts:

1. Anya is the best thing to ever happen, not only to me personally, but to all American viewers
2. Katarzyna makes me question my sexual orientation
3. Lauren is legit a zombie
4. The final three will be Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

So the girls are in Rome, and we open with one of the best scenes in Top Model history. Right after Anya confuses "rolling" with "rowing", as the girls are stepping out of the bus at the Colosseum, Anya fucking faceplants. Like, swan dives right off the stairs and splats onto the stone street. They cut to her in the confessional, and she just grins, saying:

"My first step in Rome, and I eat it on the ground!"

"I eat it!"

"But no brain, no pain!"

And that was when I fell in love with Anya. Which, upon reflection, was perfect timing. A solid 80% of the episode was dedicated solely to Anya and her ridiculous, but heartwarming, observations on herself and her fellow contestants. And I actually wanted to hug her when she was bringing food to Fatima and refusing to join in on the bashing that the rest of the girls were enjoying. Not a fountain of drama, but hey, the girl's likable. She does seem slightly mentally retarded, but she's so genuine, and (even with those platinum eyebrows) she really looks like a model. I was in rapture when it was pointed out that Anya is young and fresh and very modelesque, while Dominique was old and gross and the very definition of "used up." Okay, they didn't use that term, but hell they fucking implied it.


This picture pisses me off because it shows the standard Dominique get-up: a matronly, hideous and bulky sweater (I'm shocked there haven't been prancing animals on any of them yet, or kittens chasing balls of yarn), unwashed, greasy hair that keeps sticking up like alien antennas, and a hideous, open mouthed (tooth lacking) smile that threatens to suck your soul right out of your body. Oh, and she does indeed look around 150 years old - probably because she's a thousand year old succubus.

So, moving on, Anya wins the challenge (yet again) while Lauren proves that she's still a lurching, brain eating zombie (yet again.) It's sad too, because you can see by her walk that she has improved since the beginning, yet she still jerks and stomps like she has no control whatsoever over her dead, stiff carcass. Coincidence? I think not.

We continue on, and the girls discover that instead of a photo shoot this week, they'll be shooting Cover Girl commercials. In Italian. Oh, the horror. These commercial shoots are always painful enough when performed in English, given that none of the girls can actually act (and the ones that think they can act, are so over the top and horrible that they make Whitney look downright demure and humble), so you can only imagine how hilariously bad they are in Italian. Fatima and Katarzyna got it down fairly impressively, while the others drowned in a pool of their own inability. Lauren in particular - shockingly! - was absolutely horrific. Talk about a deer in the headlights - she was just waiting for a bullet between the eyes to take her out of her misery. I'm very disappointed that no one actually did that.

Grimacing on camera, mid-shoot? Or chomping for brains? You decide.

I knew that she was going home at that point - not only had she proven she was still shockingly inept at walking, she also showed that she's incapable of interacting with people, she's incapable of following directions, and she's incapable of maintaining a pulse. The odds were against her.

So, panel. Oh, panel - this week, the gods truly smiled down upon me.

First of all, my girl Katarzyna knows she needs to bring some... something, to the table, so she acts perkier than usual and shows the judges that she won't let herself get lost in the crowd. And she calls Tyra out on once again mangling her name, and does so not once, but twice - twice! Tyra seemed suitably pissed in her own "how dare any girl upstage me and point out how fucking stupid I am, even when everyone watching already knows!" kind of way, but it was fabulous. I love you, Katarzyna. No, I'm not kidding, seriously - are you single?

Second, the judges pull out the "Hot Tranny Mess" card again for good old (literally and figuratively) Dominique. Even Miss-freaking-J of all people admits, "I still think that she's a BROTHER!" Truer words have never been spoken; even if they did come out of the mouth of a man with rainbow glitter eyebrows.

Seriously, even my mother's kindergartners know better than to shove their faces in the glue tubes during art time. But that's neither here nor there. The pressing issue at hand is just how manly Dominique is. After surfing the internets, I found some amazing pictures of Dominique pre-ANTM, which really showcase just how much of a dude she really is. Granted, they're not crotch shots, but I think these speak for themselves:




I've got three words for you:

HOT. TRANNY. MESS.

I've never seen anything like it before. Although, please note that the "Hot" part is only applicable when she's made up to showcase her... uh, strong attributes. She instantly reverts back to "Octogenarian Tranny Mess" at the first sign of eye makeup remover.

I don't understand how no one's pointed out that men aren't allowed in the competition, but it's not like they've never "tweaked" the rules in the past (like letting in Eva , whos 5'6", and letting Saleisha win after she was in nationwide commercials and, you know, had appeared on the Tyra fucking Banks Show.) Whatever gets the best ratings, I suppose.

So Fatima gets first call out (which I think was only because Tyra was pissed at Katarzyna for pointing out what a stupid, ignorant idiot she is), followed by Katarzyna and Anya. I'm 99.999% sure that they're going to be the Final 3, because Dominique is too busted, Whitney is living on borrowed time, and Lauren, well, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So Dominique, unfortunately, gets the next call out, although it makes sense because at least she was "energetic" (if that's the word you want to choose) during her shoot. Whitney, on the other hand, was so ridiculously fake and sugary that it made your teeth ache, and Lauren was Lurch, so they were the bottom two. I was afraid Tyra was going to boot Whitney out, because A) no plus sized model has ever made it this far at ALL, and B) she is the plus sized model, and ANTM is well known for kicking their asses out without reason, but, like I said - the gods were smiling down on me!

LAUREN WENT HOME! Thank god! It was the FIRST time the panel actually showed real judgment and discretion during voting. They could've stuck with their "we make no sense and we prove this show has no credibility!" pattern and sent Whitney packing, but for once they got their shit together and sent the right girl home. Maybe the glue fumes from J's eyebrows are getting to everyone.

So Lurch goes home, Whitney is force fed some humble pie, and the world is happy again. Until next week, that is.

America's Next Top "Reality" Show

Now, we all know that no Reality Show can escape the wrath of their particular producers and editors. Due to the sheer amount of taped footage amassed per day, we know that someone has to sit there and sift through all boring crap to get to the juicy stuff. We know that shows are angled in order to make them more interesting to viewers, and we take it all with a grain of salt, hoping that at least some of it actually comes out the way the people on-screen intended it to.

And then there's America's Next Top Model.

This particular episode featured a "we're not quite sure who's to blame" Catch 22 situation, in which our darling Fatima had to get her travel papers from the Consulate in order to travel oversees (as she's a refugee and not an American citizen), but she also had to be in the photoshoot. But! If she was in the shoot she couldn't get her papers, so it wouldn't matter if she won or not as she wouldn't be able to go abroad, but if she was in the shot and granted admission oversees, then she wouldn't have her papers so couldn't go anyway.

Still with me?

Obviously we all knew that the producers were aware of the issue ahead of time (and one of the FIRST questions they must've asked was "do you have proper travel documentation?" and of course they would've worked with her immediately to procure said documentation once she made it on the show) as some nameless, faceless producer was on the phone with Fatima several times in the episode. And of course Tyra & Co. (including the Great Frosted One himself, Jay Alexander - J Alexander? Which one's J and which one's Jay?) knew exactly where Fatima was and what she was doing. And, obviously, they planned this all for this episode because - surprise! - it was the episode in which they found out they were going abroad.

Okay so. There's an hour of absolute needless panic on Fatima's part, and Tyra enjoyed being a massive bitch a little too much, constantly berating Fatima for missing the shoot, despite being fully aware of where she had been. So by this point, everyone watching the episode with me was throwing their hands up in exasperation. Okay, we get it! You're doing this for ratings, you want people to feel the pressure, but the cat's out of the bag and now we want to kill you all! Everyone knows that Fatima will be going abroad no matter what, otherwise they never would've spent nearly 45 minutes following her plight. And we all know Stacy Ann is doomed, because seriously, could they be anymore obvious?

And then there's the whole issue of the shoot itself. We're lead to believe that the girls take their pictures, then trot right into panel (all of 30 seconds later) for their weekly judging. Except that the judges have already gone through ALL of the pictures, and photoshopped together some monstrosity supposedly showcasing all the girls' best pictures. Okay, we may be loyal ANTM watchers, but we're not that stupid. Stop offending our brain power - we get it.

Anyway, here's this week's hot mess of a photo shoot:

Aaaand that's it. Even CWtv.com couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get a picture we could actually see. If you can't tell (because you can't, unless you have a magnifying glass) here's the order of the girls, from left-to-right:

Lauren: Seriously, I don't get it; she nearly cuts her finger off and is fine, yet someone messes with the coffee and she almost has an aneurysm - what is this crazy bitch's deal? And can someone tell me why she photographs so amazingly, and yet can't even talk two damn feet in high heels?? How is it possible to be that glamorous and graceful in pictures, and yet in person be the long lost humanoid relative of Big Foot?

Stacy Ann: Aww, Stacy Ann. Even though they showed her entire portfolio and revealed that she only had one look the entire time (okay well this week she made a new face, but it resembled an Ostrich attempting to eat Whitney's face) and even though they made it very clear from the get go that her ass was grass, I still felt for her. She's just so... bubbly. To put it nicely. And seriously, who the fuck sends home Stacy Ann, but keeps Dominique?? Especially seeing how they showcased her MISSING FUCKING TOOTH like 10 times! What happened to the days of Joanie, in which a slight snaggle tooth resulted in super expensive veneers??

Whitney: Now, I adored Whitney at first, but it turns out that she's kind of a massive stuck up bitch. I realize that some of her 'tude is from her own insecurities (she is the only plus size model to have made it this far in the show, and she knows how hard a struggle it's been) but come on - she's doing wonderfully, there's no need to be such a raging cunt. It's very unbecoming. And for once, Tyra's right - she needs to lose that pageant act, and fast.

Anya: Anya! Oh my god! Okay at first I was like "wtf" about her, because even though I found her endearing (like a more mentally challenged version of Natasha), the accent and the general air of "fucking stupid" was really getting to me. Now, however, I realized that she's super sweet (despite being, you know, super dense) and girl! can she take a picture! She and Katarzyna were really the only ones that embodied the feel of this shoot, and Anya was the one to really rock the whole episode. Sure, at the 7Up party people seemed cheerfully perplexed by her, but she was comfortable and chatty and warmed up to everyone. And - shocker!! - did you guys see her 7Up ad?? Gorgeous! I was so shocked! She deserved that big 'ole check at the end of it, because she looked absolutely amazing. Maybe she'll join the ranks of the other ANTM girls (all 2 of them) that are actually getting work.

Dominique: Who let Bert the Pilot into the shoot?? Oh wait, that's not a hideously ugly 40-year old man, that's just Dominique! With that missing, rotted stump of a tooth, the horrifyingly greasy, unwashed hair, and a face that looks like it was slammed repeatedly into a concrete wall, Dominique proves yet again that Tyra is a complete fucking moron, as she's been allowed to head over to Rome. While Stacy Ann - who is never confused for a man - is sent packing, our tranny mess is going abroad. There is something very wrong here.

And last, but certainly not least,

Katarzyna: If I ever woke up one morning and decided that I was attracted to women, Katarzyna sure as hell better make sure she keeps all her doors and windows locked - otherwise I'll be crawling right in there and attempting to seduce her with my patented, tried-and-true seduction technique. I won't spill all my secrets, but it does involve Barry White, chocolate sauce, and spandex. Enough said.

Sex aside, Katarzyna is my absolute favorite because not only is she gorgeous, and not only does she consistently rock both the shoots and the runway, but she's also sane. I don't think we've ever had a sane person on the show before, so it's like accidentally finding a Marc Jacobs bag in the racks at WalMart. She did a fabulous job this week, and I was shocked that she wasn't called second. Sometimes I want to throttle Tyra, but at least she finally called my girl Kat, and all was right in the world. Besides, you know, Dominique showing her ugly face all over in the background. Here's to hoping she "accidentally disappears" in Rome.

And, next week - benvenuto a Roma!