America's Next Top "Reality" Show

Now, we all know that no Reality Show can escape the wrath of their particular producers and editors. Due to the sheer amount of taped footage amassed per day, we know that someone has to sit there and sift through all boring crap to get to the juicy stuff. We know that shows are angled in order to make them more interesting to viewers, and we take it all with a grain of salt, hoping that at least some of it actually comes out the way the people on-screen intended it to.

And then there's America's Next Top Model.

This particular episode featured a "we're not quite sure who's to blame" Catch 22 situation, in which our darling Fatima had to get her travel papers from the Consulate in order to travel oversees (as she's a refugee and not an American citizen), but she also had to be in the photoshoot. But! If she was in the shoot she couldn't get her papers, so it wouldn't matter if she won or not as she wouldn't be able to go abroad, but if she was in the shot and granted admission oversees, then she wouldn't have her papers so couldn't go anyway.

Still with me?

Obviously we all knew that the producers were aware of the issue ahead of time (and one of the FIRST questions they must've asked was "do you have proper travel documentation?" and of course they would've worked with her immediately to procure said documentation once she made it on the show) as some nameless, faceless producer was on the phone with Fatima several times in the episode. And of course Tyra & Co. (including the Great Frosted One himself, Jay Alexander - J Alexander? Which one's J and which one's Jay?) knew exactly where Fatima was and what she was doing. And, obviously, they planned this all for this episode because - surprise! - it was the episode in which they found out they were going abroad.

Okay so. There's an hour of absolute needless panic on Fatima's part, and Tyra enjoyed being a massive bitch a little too much, constantly berating Fatima for missing the shoot, despite being fully aware of where she had been. So by this point, everyone watching the episode with me was throwing their hands up in exasperation. Okay, we get it! You're doing this for ratings, you want people to feel the pressure, but the cat's out of the bag and now we want to kill you all! Everyone knows that Fatima will be going abroad no matter what, otherwise they never would've spent nearly 45 minutes following her plight. And we all know Stacy Ann is doomed, because seriously, could they be anymore obvious?

And then there's the whole issue of the shoot itself. We're lead to believe that the girls take their pictures, then trot right into panel (all of 30 seconds later) for their weekly judging. Except that the judges have already gone through ALL of the pictures, and photoshopped together some monstrosity supposedly showcasing all the girls' best pictures. Okay, we may be loyal ANTM watchers, but we're not that stupid. Stop offending our brain power - we get it.

Anyway, here's this week's hot mess of a photo shoot:

Aaaand that's it. Even CWtv.com couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get a picture we could actually see. If you can't tell (because you can't, unless you have a magnifying glass) here's the order of the girls, from left-to-right:

Lauren: Seriously, I don't get it; she nearly cuts her finger off and is fine, yet someone messes with the coffee and she almost has an aneurysm - what is this crazy bitch's deal? And can someone tell me why she photographs so amazingly, and yet can't even talk two damn feet in high heels?? How is it possible to be that glamorous and graceful in pictures, and yet in person be the long lost humanoid relative of Big Foot?

Stacy Ann: Aww, Stacy Ann. Even though they showed her entire portfolio and revealed that she only had one look the entire time (okay well this week she made a new face, but it resembled an Ostrich attempting to eat Whitney's face) and even though they made it very clear from the get go that her ass was grass, I still felt for her. She's just so... bubbly. To put it nicely. And seriously, who the fuck sends home Stacy Ann, but keeps Dominique?? Especially seeing how they showcased her MISSING FUCKING TOOTH like 10 times! What happened to the days of Joanie, in which a slight snaggle tooth resulted in super expensive veneers??

Whitney: Now, I adored Whitney at first, but it turns out that she's kind of a massive stuck up bitch. I realize that some of her 'tude is from her own insecurities (she is the only plus size model to have made it this far in the show, and she knows how hard a struggle it's been) but come on - she's doing wonderfully, there's no need to be such a raging cunt. It's very unbecoming. And for once, Tyra's right - she needs to lose that pageant act, and fast.

Anya: Anya! Oh my god! Okay at first I was like "wtf" about her, because even though I found her endearing (like a more mentally challenged version of Natasha), the accent and the general air of "fucking stupid" was really getting to me. Now, however, I realized that she's super sweet (despite being, you know, super dense) and girl! can she take a picture! She and Katarzyna were really the only ones that embodied the feel of this shoot, and Anya was the one to really rock the whole episode. Sure, at the 7Up party people seemed cheerfully perplexed by her, but she was comfortable and chatty and warmed up to everyone. And - shocker!! - did you guys see her 7Up ad?? Gorgeous! I was so shocked! She deserved that big 'ole check at the end of it, because she looked absolutely amazing. Maybe she'll join the ranks of the other ANTM girls (all 2 of them) that are actually getting work.

Dominique: Who let Bert the Pilot into the shoot?? Oh wait, that's not a hideously ugly 40-year old man, that's just Dominique! With that missing, rotted stump of a tooth, the horrifyingly greasy, unwashed hair, and a face that looks like it was slammed repeatedly into a concrete wall, Dominique proves yet again that Tyra is a complete fucking moron, as she's been allowed to head over to Rome. While Stacy Ann - who is never confused for a man - is sent packing, our tranny mess is going abroad. There is something very wrong here.

And last, but certainly not least,

Katarzyna: If I ever woke up one morning and decided that I was attracted to women, Katarzyna sure as hell better make sure she keeps all her doors and windows locked - otherwise I'll be crawling right in there and attempting to seduce her with my patented, tried-and-true seduction technique. I won't spill all my secrets, but it does involve Barry White, chocolate sauce, and spandex. Enough said.

Sex aside, Katarzyna is my absolute favorite because not only is she gorgeous, and not only does she consistently rock both the shoots and the runway, but she's also sane. I don't think we've ever had a sane person on the show before, so it's like accidentally finding a Marc Jacobs bag in the racks at WalMart. She did a fabulous job this week, and I was shocked that she wasn't called second. Sometimes I want to throttle Tyra, but at least she finally called my girl Kat, and all was right in the world. Besides, you know, Dominique showing her ugly face all over in the background. Here's to hoping she "accidentally disappears" in Rome.

And, next week - benvenuto a Roma!

The Joys of Bromance

It's no secret that I'm obsessed with reality tv, to the point where I often fantasize about trying out for shows and cashing in on my alloted fifteen minutes. I obsess over the contestants, acting like I know each and every one of them on an intimate level. I feel their joy and their sorrow, their elation and their devestation, and at the end of the day, all I want to do is open my arms to them and cuddle them. Unless it's someone like Saleisha from ANTM, then I just want to punch her in the face and cut off that hideous haircut of hers.

I find myself constantly addicted to shows as they come out. I cry with Ricky on Project Runway, I root for the beauties on Beauty and the Geek to finally understand the basics of 3rd grade math, and I imagine that someday, I'll be able to turn the oven on without screaming, like the contestants on Top Chef. (Seriously, ovens are horrifying.) There's a special chamber in my aortic region for each and every reality show out there.

But a new show has emerged from the genius' at Bravo, and it's blown every other reality show completely away. This masterpiece combines models, both sexes, actual talent, and some of the most provocative photo shoots I've ever seen. This show is Make Me a Supermodel.

And it's one big bucket of sex.

Now, to be fair, the contestants really do have a lot of talent, and a lot of potential. The vast majority of them are very high fashion, and even those that aren't quite there could still do big things. They improve every week, they take their challenges seriously, and best of all, the judges and the rest of the country takes them seriously as well. When the ANTM girls march out on the season premiere, everyone laughs their asses off and knows they're doomed to a life of Sears Catalogues and Chili's commercials. The MMAS contestants, on the other hand, could legitimately go on to do big things.

But again, none of that matters when we look at just how hot these models are, and at some of the shoots that Bravo has lovingly bestowed upon us. After a quick Google search, here is a lovely collage made up of images I yanked from here:

BRB, taking care of business.

Okay...

I'm spent.

Moving on. The show actually creates high fashion-esque shots, which is something a lot of modeling shows won't do. Sure, ANTM had that one shoot where the girls posed naked together, but even that was ridiculous. There was no real emotion it in, and certainly no excuse to get all hot and bothered during it. (Basically, what I'm trying to do here is justify my lusty ways by making MMAS look like a superior show - which it is - so I feel better about myself in general. And so I can start salivating over the models again.)

But beyond any cheap sexual thrill I get from watching Perry and Casey grope and lick each other all over while on that bed, you know, the shoot where Perry was like humping Casey, and they were both rolling around together, and they were like sweating, and...







...just a sec.

Okay. So beyond just acting like there's a shit load of sexual chemistry between two people, we come to the ultimate awesomeness that MMAS embodies: the Bromance. It's like a Dupont Circle version of Romeo & Juliet; straight, tough prison guard Ben (who's married) from Tennessee meets fairly flamboyant, gay student Ronnie from Chicago, and sparks fly. Quite literally. Watching the two of them together is like watching a couple on their honeymoon; they're affectionate, adorable, and the chemistry between them is palpable.

Wife and all.

If you google "Make Me a Supermodel," you'll find at least two dozen sites talking about Ronnie and Ben's "will-they-or-won't-they" relationship. Hell, even Entertainment freaking Weekly wrote about it:

The Unlikely Wisdom of Supermodel Wannabes

If you haven't been watching Bravo's newest reality series, Make Me a Supermodel, you're missing a whole lot of gratuitous on-air nudity and — now that we have your attention — one of the most provocative relationships on television. Ronnie, a gay 24-year-old student from Chicago, is enamored with his roommate, Ben, a straight (and recently married) 22-year-old prison guard from Nashville. Here's the kicker: Ben not only welcomes the attention but seems to have genuine affection for Ronnie. This unconsummated ''bromance'' has become the show's buzziest story line — and it's igniting plenty of will-they-or-won't-they speculation. Right now, it's nearly impossible to find a blog that doesn't refer to the duo as ''adorable.''

If the culture war is indeed over, then it's safe to say that reality TV played a major role in helping to end it. Had a show like Supermodel existed 20 years ago, a guy like Ben would have been far more likely to refuse to bunk with a gay man than to flirt with him...

...Of course, none of this resolves the most pressing moral dilemma still facing us today: Should we actually be rooting for Ronnie and Ben to hook up? Probably not. But it's hard to avoid. They're pretty adorable together.

Even established entertainment publications are commenting on the tension between them. And sure, I feel slightly bad for Ben's wife, as she appears to be a sweetheart, but still. April - your dude is gay. And it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside to watch him with Ronnie. And you have to admit, they're adorable together. They practice walking together, they encourage each other at the end of the runway, they always pair together, and they always happen to be groping each other, or rolling around on a bed together.

(btw: the last two icons were during runway training, when Ben was "encouraging" Ronnie)

Soooo. Yep, that's love right there. I kind of want to jump right in the middle for a Chelsea sandwich, but I don't want to ruin the wonder of it all. Yes, for once I'm putting my own sick, twisted perversions aside, so that others can enjoy themselves. I think this counts as growing as a person, or something.

At any rate, come Thursday night at 9pm, I'll be cheering on my boys. Maybe this week, we'll finally get to see them making out in the bathroom or something. And so, I would like to leave you today with this gift:


You're very welcome.

Wanna Be On Top?

Get your minds out of the gutter, I wasn't implying that (unless you're interested?) - I was talking about The Season Finale of America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, in which Jenah, Chantal, and Saleisha faced off in an effort to prove to viewers once and for all that ANTM is a commercial product, rather than an actual modeling world stepping stone.

crappy quality picture for a crappy quality finale

I seriously am just baffled by the entire thing. They started the night off with those GOD AWFUL Cover Girl commercials (proving that none of the three can actually act) and showed that Saleisha is not only hideously tacky, but freaks out at the drop of a hat. What the hell was that crying nonsense, S? Did you really need time to sit and think about your character? You were selling Cover Girl Lip Gloss. I just thought it was fabulous that on the commercial break, they showed a Cover Girl commercial with Drew Barrymore, and it was like acting was as natural as breathing for her; definitely showed you how awful the ANTM girls really were.

Moving on, they indulged themselves in a photo shoot to accompany the commercial, and Jenah's stood out by far - that weave may be tragic, and sometimes she may resemble a horse...



...but the girl takes a FABULOUS picture, and she can walk the runway like a pro. Chantal's was so-so, but her acting was the best, and Saleisha, once again, turned out a crappy product all around.

Which leads us to Voting #1. Tyra whines about how hard all of this is for her (yes, Tyra, let it all out), Miss J's afro contains all the bodies of the former contestants, and you can see the manic, desperate glint in Twiggy's eye - her contract is almost up, and she's gonna run screaming out of there the minute the winner is finally announced.

The judges debate; Saleisha's definite lack of high fashion appeal is discussed (the girl is a commercial model people - say it with me - commercial) and we focus on how the blonds are much more high fashion; Chantal is called first (okay, so she definitely had the best commercial, and her picture wasn't too awful); the tense atmosphere threatens to suffocate us all as Saleisha and Jenah square off; Tyra says Jenah, your pictures rival those of today's top models; Jenah goes home.

Okay, so let's take a moment to think about this. The judges JUST SAID that Saleisha wasn't high fashion enough. Tyra JUST SAID that Jenah is not only high fashion, but her pictures are right up there alongside today's top high fashion supermodels; and they send Jenah home and keep Saleisha. On what planet does that make sense? That's right, on no planet. Tyra's off in her own world of insanity, and clearly thinks that on a modeling show where they're searching for the next high fashion supermodel, they should send home the only one with high fashion potential and keep the hideously commercial girl instead.

Alrighty then.

So we move onto the Grand Finale, with Saleisha and Chantal stomping down the runway in an effort to bring home the title. The runway show, for me, is always an iffy thing because more often than not, the girl that does a better job is booted off. Anyone remember Cycle 8, where CariDee made a complete ass of herself and looked like a fucking moron, while Melrose did a fabulous job - and they picked CariDee? Right.

So I have to hand it to her, Saleisha has a pretty good walk. If only they could lop her face off and give her a high fashion face, maybe we'd be going places. Chantal's walk admittedly wasn't as good, but she has potential, and she looked the high model part. Not to be *~controversial~* but Saleisha is a little thicker 'round the middle than most high fashion models, while Chantal has that tall, thin, graceful body that designers demand. And she's come a long way over the course of the show. Of course she did accidentally nearly kill that poor Chinese man, but who the fuck has little people on stilts on a runway, where models are constantly stomping by, and the dresses are all super long with super long tails? Tyra, you crazy bitch.

In the end, of course, they picked Saleisha, which literally proves that ANTM is solely about the ratings and about "a personal journey," rather than a show about real skill, real high fashion potential, and actual modeling world happenings. Although they still won't put a plus sized girl into the final 4 (or 5, or 6) so maybe it's not entirely about "inner" beauty.

Saleisha's first professional photo shoot

Um.

But! While we were bemoaning the loss of ANTM (until next fall, that is, as the show airs twice a year), we found the PERFECT temporary fix - Crowned. It wasn't until I watched 5 minutes of this show that I realized TV can lower your IQ so horrifically that your brain actually leaks right out of your ears. The premise behind the show is that a bunch of pathetic, unattractive girls (think Saleisha + 50 pounds) team up with their haggard, youth-craving mothers to compete against a sea of other fat southern slobs for the CROWN! I don't know what actually goes along with winning, as I was too busy trying to claw out my own eyeballs so I wouldn't have to watch anymore of it.

I was just going to pick out a few gems, but I think it's really worth it to go over the entire cast of the show. Rest assured, your Thursday Updates from now on will cover the Crowned! Journey, while we all sit and wait and plead for ANTM to come back on and save us - who would've though that ANTM would be the smar t alternative?

The first case of "Who the Fuck is the Mother" Syndrome - they didn't seem to understand that "blonde bombshells" implied womanly curves and an empty skull

In which we realized it is indeed possible for someone's head to be almost three times the size of a normal person's head - the daughter actually looked worse than the mother. Sexy!


Another case of "I Don't Get It" - they sang about being Diamond Dolls, how all they loved to do was shop, own diamonds, and live the glitzy life, and then couldn't figure out why the judges called them superficial. Or maybe the didn't know what the word meant.

Hot and Not For some reason my computer won't upload their picture. I think it's for the best - the mother's hotter, the daughter's a beastly freak, and they seem to think "Hot and Not" implies that they're only "Hot" and not "Not" despite, you know, the name.


Booted! The first to be kicked off (their speech was so boring I nearly cried) - but in a "Twist!" they made the Blonde Bombshells think they were out... but then revealed they needed to cut the A's sashes with a giant, bedazzled pair of scissors. I wish I was kidding.

I don't remember who they were. On a show where everyone's a psycho freak, that's probably not a good thing. Maybe they were the ones getting berated for "you're mother and daughter, not sisters." God, mom, stop trying to relive your glory days!


The best thing about this team is that they seriously thought "skin deep" meant they were beautiful beneath the surface. No, "skin deep" implies you're superficial and have no depth. Next time, use a dictionary.



And now we move onto my absolute favorites - the best and the worst!



It's kind of hard not to like this pair, if only because the mother resembles the hideous offspring of Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia (complete with pigtail buns.) They're so hideous and so awkward that you kind of want them to survive. Kind of.

The BEST part of this is that the girl was crowing about how intelligent her mother was, and how her mother had a PhD and everything - and yet they chose Silent but Deadly. And didn't realize that rather than sounding like chic, intelligent, modern women, they sounded like a gaseous output.

Okay, I have to admit - I really like this mother-daughter duo. They were genuinely nice, obviously really loved each other, and were aware that they were not sisters, but a mother and daughter team. They were the only normal ones, and one of only two teams to perform well - they just had fun with it. And, they were this episode's winners!


And now we come to the most hilariously horrifying reality contestants in TV history. The daughter resembles a soul-sucking demon (wait, did I say "resembles?" I mean is a soul-sucking demon) whose only purpose in life is to unleash her evil and wreak havoc on the world. Also: she's an opera singer. Yeah, you just try convincing me she's not a hell beast. Her mouth is so huge she could easily devour the judges, and her personality is like Christian from Project Runway, if Christian was a speed fiend who ALWAYS SCREAMED ALL OF HIS WORDS JUST LIKE THIS. She also weighs about 2 pounds, her rib cage is jutting out and just begging to slice open the throats of the other contestants, and her eyes are so wild and rolling that I'm amazed she's not careening into things and constantly toppling over. Oh, and her mother is a hag who seems to think her fiendish spawn is actually talented and attractive. I know these two will stay on just for ratings, and while I'm frightened, it's a good thing - if she wasn't on TV, god only knows the daughter would be crawling out from under my bed in the middle of the night and attempting to destroy my soul.

And yet only one of them is unable to create a stunning garment - yes, I'm talking about you, Laura

Speaking of Christian and tiny people with speed problems, last night's Project Runway was a barrel full of awesome insanity. The designers had to create clothing for "the normal woman" - only these women had all lost somewhere between 40 and 140 pounds (seriously, they lost a me) - and the clothes had to be made from the material from their now ridiculously over-sized garments. Christian ended up winning the challenge, with a fabulous black t-shirt blazer that I totally would buy if I had any money; Kevin aka Joey Fatone also had a fabulous shirt, and my girl Jillian (and my adorable Sweet P) also came up with some great outfits.

On the other hand, there was the cake-tiered monstrosity that Elisa designed (although at least she didn't spit on the garment or client) and the "what the FUCK was he thinking" Pilgrim-inspired disaster that Steve aka Slingblade created. First of all, this:

Prude French Maid Pilgrim Chic

And second of all, this:

MMHMMMMMM

Discuss.

At least we had some fabulous "Twists!" in PR as well. We had to say goodbye to Jack, our sexy, sexy gay designer. I was terrified that his weeping announcement from the commercials was that his HIV had progressed to full blown AIDs (even though he'd been HIV Positive for 17 years and his immune system was doing very well) but thank god it wasn't. He did, however, have a potentially dangerous staph infection, so he listened to his doctor and left the show in order to relax and get treatment. Good luck, Jack, we all love you!!! Christian I'm sure will be the saddest, as whose going to carry him around in that tote bag?

Well, maybe CHRIS can!!!!!!! While we were all sorry to see Jack go, we were really feeling the horrific loss of both Jack and Chris - two of the best PR designers of the season. But with Jack gone, and the need to even out the playing field (which means "Oh shit, we can't believe we sent Chris home, what a stupid fucking mistake, damn you Donna Karen!) they brought Chris, my giant, lovable, squeezable teddy bear back. I love you, Chris, and you've just made my night.



Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive an Onslaught of Hilariously Bad Reality Fashion TV Shows

Step 1: Distance. Just remember that they're all the way in New York, or preferably LA, and therefore are not within rushing-at-you-and-eating-you distance.

Step 2: Intelligence. These shows may try to sap every last brain cell from your head, but if you keep your chin up and keep telling yourself that these shows actually reinforce your intelligence, you might just make it. Remember that all these people make you look 100x more intelligent than usual.

Step 3: Beauty. See "Intelligence."

Step 4: Editing. If you're feeling the weight of the reality shows on your shoulders, remember that sometimes the editors and producers angle things a certain way. Maybe there's hope - maybe Saleisha is actually a foot taller than she appears. Maybe the Redhead Bombshells are really caring, thoughtful individuals. Maybe StevenBlade doesn't actually want to kill you and eat your flesh.

Step 5: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Applications for America's Next Top Model are up, and there's always next season for Crowned and Project Runway. Maybe you can bring some poise, intelligence, and common sense to the show. Or maybe you've already gone insane, and this is the next logical step fro you. Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra, out.




Days till Hull: 7
Days till Christmas: 12

The Highs and Lows of the Reality TV Fashion World

Days till Hull: 14

Days till Christmas: 18

Last night's Fashion TV Night was quite an interesting experience. First, let's discuss the definite High of the night:

Hell Beast Bianca was Booted The Fuck Off ANTM

Thank. Fucking. God.

Bianca is not only hideous ugly, she's hideously bitchy, and every time she showed her gnarly face on tv, bitching about whatever it was that got her panties in a twist this time, I had to resist the urge to punch the tv.

What happens when your parents are siblings

Bianca doesn't have a single High Fashion bone in her entire body. She doesn't even have that awkward "High Fashion Ugly" look that Jenah has. The girl is just trashtastic and ugly as all hale. She couldn't walk (she looked like an 18-wheeler barreling down the runway at you), she couldn't pose (even Tyra said she looked like a man), she couldn't act (her commercials were like nails on a chalk board), and she couldn't form a single coherent thought (just watch any of this season's episodes.)

I was really worried they were going to send Jenah home, especially when she gave her "swan song" (thank you, Tyra) and whined about being homesick and wah wah wah. People are so stupid - it's not like modeling is a mystery. You need to stay thin, stay pretty, keep your health up, and - surprise! - travel constantly. You can't exactly work while living in Bumfuck Midwest USA. This is common knowledge, people. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the reality tv show.

I really, really hope it's Battle of the Blonds Part II for the final 2 this year, although I'm nervous about Saleisha sending one of the blonds home. Neither Jenah nor Chantal are Stam-worthy, but they're a hell of a lot better than Saleisha, who looks like a 14 year old Beatle enthusiast. All the judges were crowing about her picture this week, and while her body looked fab, her face (as always) looked like a disfigured male burn victim. No matter what they say about "omg bubbly personality!" high fashion is not about personalities, it's about appearance and strength both on the runway, and in front of the camera. Saleisha has none of those positive attributes.

Speaking of big fucking mistakes, we now come to the definite low of the night:

Ricky Beat Chris in the Bottom 2 to Stay on Project Runway

You have got to be kidding me.

I know, that's what you all screamed last night when Heidi and Co. had some kind of mass insanity moment and booted Chris off. I have no idea how this even happened, although I'm beginning to think that Donna Karen actually is Satan, and used her intense powers of evil and "OMG she looks like that?!" to overthrow the normally sane judges' intuition.

I swear to fucking god she looks like this (only she was about 30 pounds heavier on PR last night) - and yes, her face does appear to be melting right off the bone

Chris has had consistently good outfits, and he's such a damn sweetheart (not to mention ridiculously amusing.) He's been kind, outgoing, and hardworking, while Ricky has been nothing but one gigantic mess. All of his clothes are beyond poorly constructed, his ideas are bland and boring, and the man can't even work his "forte" - he's supposed to be a lingerie designer, yet when given a challenge working with underwear as outerwear, his creations are so hideous that I totally could've made them. And I once sewed my hand to a sock puppet.

Ricky, may you be doomed to a life of hell and misery. Preferably wearing your pathetically constructed, hideously ugly garments.


Donna Karen and her horrific face declared that Chris was obviously a terrible Challenge Leader, because his collection wasn't cohesive. Um... the collection all had the same color scheme, the same feel to it, and obviously was pulled together. Sure, his jacket wasn't too fabulous, but he had to work with shoulder pads. For reals. Ricky's team obviously fought constantly, and the judges were well aware that he had no control whatsoever over the team and their designs. All of the outfits on their team were hideous, and his was practically held together with duct tape and pins. Actually, now that I think about it...

All I know, is that Chris was cheated, and Donna Karen is now on my Enemies List. Good luck, Donna Karen. You don't even want to know what happened to the people that were on my list before you.


Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Defend Yourself Against Donna Karen

Step 1: Try traditional methods. Hang garlic bulbs and crosses across any doors and windows leading to your house/dorm/apartment/cardboard box. This tends to keep the walking dead out.

Step 2: Go for the water bucket. On most evil witches, it reduces them to a smoking puddle of gooey-ness. Extra points if she shrieks "What a world! What a world!"

Step 3: Temptation. Dangle anything in her face that may divert her attention off of you: cloven hooves (she'd been looking for those!), the blood of the innocent, weak fashion designers, succulent babies, etc.

Step 4: Drastic measures. If all else fails, you've got to go in for the kill. The only known methods of destroying Donna Karen are: a stake to the heart, decapitation, a silver bullet, or a heaping of Ricky's clothing. Preferably the violently neon one from this week's episode.