Obama Needs a Slice of Humble Pie

Days till Surgery: 19
Days till Old Age: 27

Girl, you need to sit down and shut that mouth of yours. Sure, you're running for Democratic presidential candidate, but that doesn't give you the right to be a stupid smart ass. Right now, the Republicans are sitting on their enlarged asses, rubbing their hammy palms together gleefully, pleased with how we're still tearing each other new assholes while they all focus on their actual candidate. And sure, we're behind because we still haven't decided on a final candidate, but that means we should be having a friendly election right now, so in the end, people are pleased with the candidate regardless - seeing as that would actually put as on equal ground with the Republicans.

But, we're not. And I suppose I can't entirely blame you, especially seeing as you and Hillary are duking it out in a groundbreaking election. But I can want to smack you in your bratty little mouth.

Okay sure, maybe you don't want to be Hillary's running mate. And maybe you don't want to have her be yours. But that would be a good thing, and for you to be her VP would probably be the best goddamn thing for this country right now. You say "she says I'm not experienced enough to be president - then why would I be experienced enough to be VP???"

Okay, fucker, here's why: Because VP is second in command. Not first, second. And sure, if something should happen you would become president, but that means you are the next best fit for the position. Certainly she'd want you over some of the other Democratic candidates. A Hillary/Obama team would be unstoppable - it'd be what we'd need if McCain chose that manic, evolution-denying, "let's rewrite the Constitution as God commanded it!" Huckabee for his running mate. (But at least Huckabee plays the guitar and doesn't whine like a little bitch - and that's a pretty bad ass combo right there.)

Groupies to the left!

Point is, Obama, you're not ready to be president - but you're ready to be VP. Guaranteed at least 4 years, and probably 8 with a winning ticket, you would finally have the experience to go along with your enthusiasm and charisma. You could earn the respect and trust of all the people that are on the fence about you right now, and you could be hugely responsible for ushering in an unprecedented 12, even 16 years of peace and prosperity for this country.

So stop being a douche. Stop whining. Stop attacking Hillary. Sure, she needs to step off a bit too, but at least she's putting the offer out there and extending the proverbial olive branch. Now listen up: if you keep ripping at her, and further dividing the two camps, some Democrats could choose not to vote for her. They may not vote at all. And then we're playing right into the Republican's hopes - if we divide ourselves, the Republicans win. So shut the fuck up and play nice. Thanks.

I Never Thought I'd Say This, But...

I love TEXAS! (and Ohio, to be fair.)

~Let Hillary show you the path to Democracy~

"Super" Tuesday - Approach With Caution

So... it's Tuesday.

With the pattern we have thus far, every Tuesday over the past month or so has been disastrous; there was Ovary Gate '08, there was the failure to get my menopause shot, and there was the untimely demise of Heath Ledger. Basically, all signs of the impending Apocalypse, which of course will take place on a Tuesday. Fuck Tuesdays.

My only hope is that today will live up to it's name and actually be a Super Tuesday (especially considering that Super Bowl Sunday ended up being so horrific that I still want to die. BRB, jumping out a window.)

My official stance is: Hillary First, Democrat Second.

"I will fuck your shit up"

I'm a huge Hillary supporter for a variety of reasons:

-She cares about the people in the country
-She has the experience, tenacity, and drive to actually accomplish her goals
-She cares about women's health issues and health care in general
-She wants to strengthen our education systems
-She wants comprehensive government reform
-She wants women to have equality in all areas of the country
-She wants to improve our horrifically terrible international relations
-She won't, you know, get us into another pointless war

etc etc etc. I really like Hillary, and even though she can be a bit... bull doggish at times, I think that's an important quality to have. She'll fight for what she believes in, and she'll put all her cards on the table. People won't be left wondering what the real agenda is.

I still believe that she'll end up with the Democratic nomination, but like I said, at any rate, I just want a Democrat in office. I really like Obama too. I think he needs more experience, and I think he's a little too idealistic (especially with the sorry state of the country and all of our affairs right now) and needs more time to get a better grip on the way a country is run. I think if Hillary were to win in 08, then Obama would be the perfect candidate to step in once her terms were over (since obviously I want her in there for the full 8 years.) At any rate, I'd still pick him over any of the Republicans, as he'd still do an amazing job, and wouldn't continue to grind our country into the dirt.

Ideally, I'd love to see Obama take the VP spot if Hillary wins, but I know that's probably just wishful thinking. It'd be amazing, of course, because then he'd seriously be in the perfect position to become president afterwards (seeing as he's not Al Gore, and won't belly flop so horrifically) but we'll see. A girl can dream.

(Secretly, though, I still wish this was our option:




You know you want it too. Plus, young people would totally vote if they had this option.)

So, politics aside, I've been promising a post about our adventures in New York City. Sadly, this is not that post. I still need to upload pictures and come up with witty captions and a humorous spin on our adventures (not that they need a spin, considering my friends are insane and we bring the party to every city we go to) so that'll be coming tomorrow. For now, let me sum it up with a few key points:

- Clay Aiken ("Craykin") is Sex on a Stick. Kind of.
- Spamalot is the best thing on Broadway.
- We're "functioning alcoholics," which means we can feel superior to "fall down drunk alcoholics," and still be somewhat productive members of society.
- It is indeed possible to do New York on a budget, provided you live off a diet of crackers and peanut butter. I'm amazed at how little I was able to spend.
- Cloverfield is totally awesome. As long as you don't die.
- I really, really want to go back.

Fuck DC, it's boring as hell and I need to get out of here. I'd even go back to New York if the Cloverfield monster was running around and causing chaos. Adventures, here I come!

America Continues Embarrassing Downward Spiral

Days till Menopause: 11

They say that bad things come in threes, but 2008 has brought in a complete barrel full of insanity. Never before has a year started off with so much utter stupidity and horror.

First of all, the heat in my apartment building is busted. You heard me right - busted. When I walked into my apartment last night, I wondered why it was almost as cold as it was outside. And let me tell you, it was fucking freezing outside; we're in the middle of a horrific cold stretch, so of course it's now that the heat decides to shit the bed.

I was elated for all of .002 seconds when I awoke at 3am for some water, because I heard my radiator kick back into gear. Then I actually got out of bed, and promptly froze, because the AC had been turned on, rather than the heat. So now I think I have pneumonia, which is awesome.

Okay, off to bed!

Second of all, Britney Spears has apparently gone completely insane (more insane, I should say), and after essentially holding her children "hostage" in her home (while an endless parade of police cars, ambulances, firetrucks, helicopters, and paps looking to get some ass circled her house and recorded it all for the world to see) was carried out on a stretcher and taken to the hospital. Man, I hope when the time comes for my psychotic breakdown that I'm not famous (yet) and I can do it without it being splashed across the tabloids and blogs.

Of course by this point, it's not like it's a surprise when she goes completely off the deep end (again.) This is a woman who's shaved her head in public, who's attacked paparazzi vehicles with an umbrella, who continuously forgets to wear underwear with skirts, who continuously forgets to wear underwear and pants with "dresses" (aka regular t-shirts, as it's all the same to her), who can't actually read, add, or speak English, who is so drugged up she has to undergo court ordered drug testing, and who is so legitimately mentally ill that all of this is actually kind of sad. Well, sort of. It's also really good entertainment. Let's have a moment to reflect, shall we?

Losing your children AND your mind? Hilarious! I bet Jamie Lynn is super pissed that she's no longer in the spotlight!

Uh. Moving on!

Third of all, Huckabee beat out the other Republican hopefuls last night in Iowa, proving that not only are Republicans fucking insane, but the world as we know it is beginning to collapse in on itself. Huckabee is a guy that doesn't believe in evolution. That's right, kids, he doesn't think humans naturally evolved over long periods of time, he believes that God created the world in 7 days, and we were wandering around in Eden as perfect specimens and have never once changed.

Which is odd, because we've never found any human remains from that long ago, and we had these things called "the dinosaurs" and we've already seen, in evolutionary terms, from evidence like bones and fossils, how humans have been steadily evolving from apes, to cro-magnums, to Republicans, to actual humans.

See, this is where we get into trouble. The Bible is not an actual recording of events - it's a series of allegories, moral lessons, and man-made tales created during a time where those sorts of lessons were encouraged. When the Bible was written, it obviously was not present day, and there were different rules, different ideals, and a completely different way of life. Nothing but the bare bones of the Bible are relevant today (don't steal, don't cheat, don't kill, etc.) Reading it like non-fiction isn't only insane, it's dangerous.

The Bible, as fiction, is fabulous; it's full of danger, death, wrathful gods (yeah Old Testament God!), scheming neighbors, love triangles, moral lessons, and all sorts of nonsense. When taken as non-fiction, it preaches hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and stupidity. It was indeed written by men, and it was relevant only for the time period in which it was created. NO ONE LEADING A FIRST WORLD COUNTRY SHOULD ACTUALLY TAKE IT AS FACT.

And for the first time ever, Chuck Norris fails America

What I think we should do is just go ahead and elect a 5 year-old boy, because then it's completely acceptable - and dare I say adorable - when he comes up with complete BS like this. If little Timmy declares "God made us all in 7 days cause God is awesome! We came down in bubbles like Glenda from The Wizard of Oz!" it's cute, because the kid is 5 and can't tie his own shoes, never mind understand the concept of evolution. When an educated man over the age of 40 says the same thing, well, then it just gets scary.

And besides, if we have a 5 year-old, then we can just keep the same agenda and workings of the Bush administration, because at least at this point, we'd be a step ahead of the game, and our foreign relations would be better because everyone would be going "awww he's so cute, it doesn't matter if he's stupid!" as opposed to "good fucking lord, this man went to Yale?!"

For now, we can only hope and pray that things are different in New Hampshire. I mean, first of all, it's not the midwest, so immediately we're ahead of the game. New Hampshire folk are like the little siblings of us Massachusetts folk - cynical, bitter, and sharply intelligent. And they're actually aware that we didn't just spring up from nothingness one day. Seriously, people.

So, Hillary '08. I think she can clean up our foreign policies, help bring an end to the war, pay off our debts and get us another surplus, encourage human rights, allow stem-cell research, prove that gay marriage isn't the work of the devil, separate church and state, and even offer Britney a shoulder to cry on. If that isn't the workings of an amazing leader, then I just don't know what is.