The Joys of Menopause

Days till Surgery: 27
Days till Old Age: 35

I think part of the reason I feel so damn old is that I welcomed in my 21st - and will welcome in my 23rd - birthday while in menopause.

Now, I know it's not real menopause. Once I stop taking my shots, my body will go right back into churning out eggs and being one massive vat of fertile woman bits. Seriously, if I ever get pregnant, I'm in trouble - I'll have a litter or something.

But knowing that this isn't real menopause, and knowing that I'm not really in my mid-to-late fifties doesn't really help much when I wake up at 4 in the morning because I'm having night sweats so badly I've lost 2 pounds. And it doesn't help when I'm so hormonal that I cry over commercials, and crave chocolate so badly I dream of robbing the candy counter at the closest CVS. And you'd think maybe the second time around wouldn't be so hard to handle, but it's really not all that much easier.

What's interesting about this time around is that the symptoms are slightly different. When I first went on menopause, there were three constants:

1. Hot Flashes: They always happened a certain way. First I'd feel this terrible wave of nausea, then 5 or so seconds later I'd erupt in a horrific hot flash, that would last anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes. It felt like I was burning up from the inside out, and that everything inside was turning to hot liquid magma. As soon as it was gone, I'd feel fine. If it was a short hot flash, I'd strip off whatever layers I could, and fan myself until it passed; if it was a long hot flash, I'd run to the bathroom and stick my head under the faucet, or run to the kitchen and stick my head in the freezer. The freezer was the best remedy, but seeing as most classrooms didn't have one, I could only use them on certain occasions.

Come to me

2. Mood Swings: Oh, mood swings. One minute I'd be fine, and the next minute I'd be screaming and throwing things, over something as simple as "where did I leave that pen?" There was no telling what would set me off, and there was no telling if it'd be a rage swing, or a sad swing. If it was a rage swing, then the throwing of sharp objects would commence; if it was a sad swing, I could usually be found bawling in a heap on the floor over absolutely nothing. Luckily, I was able to mostly curb these with the help of certain add back therapy, but they still surprised me on occasion. And I'm sure they surprised other people around me.

3. Night Sweats: You may think these are the same as Hot Flashes, but you couldn't be more wrong. Sure, they both involve copious amounts of heat emanating from my body, but while one was usually over after a few excruciating seconds, the other plagued me for hours at a time. Night Sweats varied - sometimes I'd just wake up drenched in sweat, and trudge off for a very baffling 3:30am shower. These weren't quite as bad, because I'd just wash my sheets and go back to sleep. But other times I'd wake up drenched in sweat, and wouldn't be able to shake the heat. I'd sit in bed, miserable, for hours, feeling like I was melting. I'm not sure why they were so bad, especially when daytime hot flashes were more predictable, but that's menopause for you.

Kill me now

This time, things are different. Now it's like my body's been set on a low broil, and there's nothing I can do to shake it. My hot flashes and night sweats are as common as ever, but there's not that "volcano eruption" phenomenon happening. Rather than having to tear off all my clothes and sweat all my water weight out, I just feel like I'm simmering away on a stove top. The night sweats aren't really sweats per se (I'm sure you're all relieved to hear I don't need to wash my sheets every night, as I'm not actually sweating) - I just feel so hot I have to sleep on top of all the covers, and it's hella uncomfortable. I can't get cool, and I can't get comfortable, and I end up staring at the ceiling and wondering if the neighbors upstairs are screwing or beating each other up. Hmmm.

The hot flashes seem like mild, uncomfortable heat that just keeps going and going and going. I don't melt like I used to, but I'm definitely hot and unhappy - and rather than for minutes, or hours. On the Amtrak down to DC, everyone was wearing coats and sweaters and scarves - I was in leggings and a t-shirt. I wasn't dripping sweat, but I was overheated and cranky.

And the mood swings now seem set entirely to "sad swings." I haven't felt any irrational anger yet, as I'm sure everyone around me is grateful for, but I have these deep senses of sadness that hit at random times. This time around I know what they are, so I can ignore them, but they're tricky bastards. Last night, for example, I had one while I was making pasta for Erin and myself. I was in a good mood and chatty and talking Erin's ear off, but at the same time I just wanted to sit on the floor and bawl, and eat the entirety of her Oreos package. I probably just should've done it and gotten it over with.

Must. Eat. All. Oreos.

Now, all things considered, I am very grateful to be on Menopause. Without it, I'd be developing more cysts, ending up in more hospitals, and fighting to the death with more ridiculously stupid and chauvinistic male doctors. The menopause lets my system reboot, and once I have surgery, it enables me to feel 100% better. I can work out, I can run for miles, I can have as much sex, with as many partners, as I so desire. (Watch out, world, 27 days!)

If that doesn't spell success, then I just don't know what does. But it would be easier without all the side effects.