Makeovers, and Models, and Fashion Shows (Seriously, Oh My)

Days till Surgery: 25
Days till Old Age: 33

Last night was a truly epic night for the fashion world. Not only were we able to witness the shockingly horrible transformations on ANTM's makeover episode, we were also able to see firsthand the amazingness that was Project Runway's season finale. Let's start with the terrible, and move on to the fabulous.

America's Next Top... "Model?"

Now the Makeover Episode is always my favorite episode. It's so fun to watch the girls get absolutely butchered, and it's also fun to see some of my faves actually get good do's. Unfortunately this time around, I believe maybe one or two girls max actually had flattering styles. I don't know where they found these stylists (I propose homeless in an alley?) but they were absolutely horrible. Most of the girls looked even stupider than before, which is saying a lot. And it didn't help that they literally spent the entire episode shrieking like a group of drunken banshees. Seriously, girls, my ear drums are begging for you to shut the fuck up already.

So, without further ado, I present to you the girls' makeovers:

Aimee: Aimee's make over is... well, she did need to do something with her hair to keep her from looking washed out, although I'm not entirely sure "fire engine red" was the best choice. Now she sort of looks cartoonish. At least the color seems to have given her a bit more oomph and she seems more confident with it?






Allison: Oh, Allison... you think you're such a fabulous model but gurl, you're hideous. And what is with that eye? At any rate, I knew bitch was going home as soon as she started pulling the "I'm the best" card. Sorry chickie, karma always trumps in ANTM. Also, no new hair color will fix your face - you're just doomed.






Amis: Well... she needed longer hair, that was a given. She was too masculine with the shorter hair. Unfortunately, I think even if she was given Rapunzel-esque tresses, she still would look like a dude. Idk what's up with ATMN turning into "America's Next Top Tranny" but I really don't like it.






Anya: Good fucking lord. Seriously? Seriously??? First of all, the blond makes her look like a Norwegian hooker, and second of all, what did you do to her eyebrows? Yes, I understand the importance of keeping eyebrows similar to your hair color, but making them so light they disappear entirely just leaves the model looking retarded. Moreso.






Claire: So they made Claire over into... Jay Alexander? Seriously, if she didn't look old before, now she looks like she should be on the cover of AARP Magazine. She looks hideously old, and that platinum looks gray. Never dye the oldest model's hair a shade seen only on the elderly.







Dominique: Speaking of America's Next Top Tranny, our "girl" Dominique got an... interesting makeover. The darker color makes her look far less 'street' (so to speak) but the soccer mom haircut isn't fooling anyone. If you want her to look sort of like a chick, don't give her an old lady/skater boy haircut. Give the girl some weave!






Fatima: I think Fatima had the best makeover, hands down. Not only is it immensely flattering, but it makes her look shockingly like the goddess Iman - something everyone strives to be. Now if the bitch could only stop being, well, a bitch, maybe she'd make something of herself... but I don't see that happening anytime soon.





Katarzyna:I think it'd be very hard to make Katarzyna look bad, and even though I don't like this hair color on her all that much, I still think she looks gorgeous - she just has that face. I think it's a little too severe (the light brown/dark blond shade she had really worked for her) but she does manage to pull it off, so no real damage done.







Lauren: Okay, Lauren looks better, but would've been better than that greasy, grimy pigtailed thing she had going on. Now at least she looks like a female. If only she could actually put high heels on and stop walking around like Quasimodo, maybe we'd have something to work with. I mean, not really, but still.






Marvita: Oh, I get it, they wanted to go with the skunk-mullet chic look this season? Seriously, what the fuck, who does that? Now Marvita still looks like a fucking moron, but with a horse tail to match. FYI: That is so far from high fashion it's literally painful.







Stacy Ann: Once Stacy Ann stops squawking you can see that she does have an interesting face, although I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. At any rate, the new do does show off her bone structure, even if it also hones in on her uncanny resemblance to an ostrich.







Whitney: The same thing goes for Whitney that goes for Katarzyna - it's very hard to make them look bad, and while I don't like the color at all, she's still gorgeous. I just don't understand the blond - her dark brown locks were perfect with her skin tone and her eyes - why wash her out with the lighter color?





At any rate, I think the producers had a good idea this Makeover Episode, deciding not to let the girls see their transformations until they were already literally transformed. This saved us hours and hours of girls sobbing and freaking out (after just declaring "do anything to me, I don't care!") Of course Fatima still bawled, because her weave hurt - not that anyone cares, seeing as how Fatima has no soul.

I did feel sort of badly for her when Allison made that retarded remark about black women taking it from behind (I don't even understand it - it's not like black chicks are well known for doggy style sex - all chicks are well known for doggy style sex) but then of course Fatima went nuts with the whole anorexia issue, so really I just wanted to shoot the both of them in the face.

Moving on to the photoshoot, we were able to see that no amount of hacking and dying and screwing people over could give the girls any talent, and we were treated to nearly half an hour of horrific poses and awkward shots. I know modeling is harder than it looks, but it's not fucking rocket science. Anyway, there's no need to post the pictures, because they're all fucking horrible. Seriously, it's the worst batch of pictures we've ever seen. So, I'm just going to describe the "first call out" and the bottom two.

Top:

Lauren (...ik, rite?)
Uh... Okay, we get it, she's awkward. And yes, we get it, many top models are terribly awkward, and it's all a part of their charm. But the difference between those models and Lauren is that those models are in control of their bodies, and are able to use their awkwardness as an asset. They can pose, they can walk, and they can put on their own goddamn heels, unlike Lauren, who literally could not figure out how to get her foot into the shoe. It's not that difficult, dear - most of us figured that out before Elementary school.

Bottom Two:

Dominique:
Now, to be fair, Dominique had one hell of a disadvantage because she's really a he. And it also didn't help that the photo editors really fucked her over; all of those pictures are airbrushed to hell (have you seen the difference between Lauren's picture, and what her real, pale, acne riddled face looks like? Good lord!) but the editors decided it would be a good idea to leave one part of Dominique's body unaltered - and that would be her thigh, which showed her cellulite. Because yes, even models have cellulite, but every editor airbrushes it out. Not doing so only gave Tyra ammunition, and was clearly... well, I don't know what it was. They didn't send her home, so it only made her look heavy and bad. Awkward.

Allison (Sent Home):
Everyone knew Allison was going home from the minute she opened her mouth and started declaring that she was the best model, and she had the most experience, and she's been to Taiwan, and she was never going home. Well guess what, bitch, you went home. I hated her cockiness and her fucked up ego, especially because I think it's clearly one of those misplaced egos - she obviously has no real self-esteem (hello, she used to be anorexic, obviously she has body and self issues) but needs to constantly be bragging about herself in order to feel better about herself. And what the hell is a girl doing on there that used to be anorexic? Being around thin, constantly dieting girls, and constantly measuring yourself and being critiqued by photographers does not endorse a healthy lifestyle for some with prior issues. So, adios Allison. It's for the best. Now go get that eye fixed, or I'll fix it for you.


Now it's time for...

PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON 4 FINALE!!!!!

Oh, Project Runway! How I love you so. This was such a fabulous finale for many reasons:

1. Rami actually made a few outfits without draping. Proof positive that people can change.
2. Jillian proved she is a fucking amazing designer, and women everywhere want to wear her clothes.
3. Christian was meek and humble! Gone was the bratty, snotty attitude, which was amazingly refreshing. For the first time, I didn't have the urge to punch him in his little elven face (even though I do love him so.)

I was disappointed that Chris wasn't in the final three, but I think that whole "human hair" thing may have been a bit much. At any rate, I was impressed with the clothes, pleased with the reactions, and constantly surprised at the outcomes.

I really thought that Jillian was going to win. Rami's clothes were... well, a few things were really nice, but I found the majority of his collection garish and tacky. Christian had an amazing collection, but a lot of his outfits were very similar, and a lot of them were really over designed. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but in a competition like this, I thought it was overkill. Jillian's, on the other hand, were chic, creative, unique, and all around gorgeous. I would totally buy anything from her collection without a second thought.

Of course then I was shocked - SHOCKED - when Jillian was the bottom of the three! What the fuck. I can see her losing to Christian because he has such a good grasp of high fashion and show technique, but to lose to Rami? How did the judges like his crap so much?? Sure, a few things were nice, but the rest were, as Christian would say, full of barfness. I was terrified that he was going to win, but in the end, by little elven boy Christian Siriano was the winner! It was adorable when he started crying (especially because he was crying before they announced the winner) and it was so good to see him being so humble and grateful and normal with his family and the judges. At only 21, Christian is incredibly talented, and I really think he's going to become quite a force in the fashion world. And I (along with Victoria Beckham, who was practically salivating over his collection) really, really want one of his black ruffled jackets. I can't afford one, I'm sure, but I want one.