Days till Surgery: 20
Days till Old Age: 28
Okay, so this is how my evening ritual goes:
1. Sit ups/Push ups/Lunges
2. Floss/Brush teeth/Mouth wash
3. Take out Contacts
4. Retreat to Bed
I usually sleep with the tv on, because I have issues falling asleep when it's too quiet (my mind wanders, and I end up debating with myself, then suddenly it's 5am and I haven't actually gotten any sleep.) I like the noise in the background, and it helps that since I have an HD tv but no cable, the channels come in somewhat blurred, so it's not too bright and doesn't keep me up.
Anyway, last night I had just crawled into bed and was happily curled up, when I heard something very interesting on the news. (Yes, I was lame last night and went to bed around 11.) It was on ABC, and they were discussing the hilariously ironic issue of Governor Elliot Spitzer's involvement in a prostitution ring. Now, I don't know who they were discussing it with, but it was a woman who proudly declared "Well, I wouldn't want a Governor who wasn't getting laid, but..."
Wait, wait, wait. Excuse me?
First of all, what difference does it make if a Governor is getting ass or not? Does that have an bearing on his ability to be an effective politician? And second of all, since when do people use the term "get laid" on major network news? Now okay, maybe she made a mistake, we all say silly things sometimes...
...but no.
This chick continued on, saying "well of course he wanted to get laid" and "men always want to get laid" and (I kid you not) "I fully support him wanting to get laid!" Yeah. Yeah. I mean sure, if the dude wants to get a prostitute, by all means, go for it. But we shouldn't actively be hoping our Governors are getting laid, and we should not be repeatedly saying "get laid! get laid!" on network news. It was so awkward and tacky and low class. The poor anchor was obviously flustered. I mean seriously, who the hell was this chick? Can someone clarify this for me?
Anyway, in case you're stupid and haven't quite picked up on the issue yet, Governor Spitzer (the Democratic Governor from New York) treated us all to a good laugh when a wiretap revealed that he'd been spending shocking amounts of money on prostitutes in New York and DC. Oh, and if you didn't know, this guy used to hold this little position - not very important, though you may have heard of it - this itty thing called the New York State Attorney General. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I'm saying that a lot today.
So while the esteemed Mr. Spitzer has been fighting crime and working to better the streets of New York, he's been "getting laid" left and right by prostitutes. I wonder if he was hanging out around Logan Circle - after all, according to Criminal Minds, that area is the third largest prostitution ring in the city. And it's right down the street! I totally could've been witness to an illicit liaison. Rowr.
Days till Old Age: 28
Okay, so this is how my evening ritual goes:
1. Sit ups/Push ups/Lunges
2. Floss/Brush teeth/Mouth wash
3. Take out Contacts
4. Retreat to Bed
I usually sleep with the tv on, because I have issues falling asleep when it's too quiet (my mind wanders, and I end up debating with myself, then suddenly it's 5am and I haven't actually gotten any sleep.) I like the noise in the background, and it helps that since I have an HD tv but no cable, the channels come in somewhat blurred, so it's not too bright and doesn't keep me up.
Anyway, last night I had just crawled into bed and was happily curled up, when I heard something very interesting on the news. (Yes, I was lame last night and went to bed around 11.) It was on ABC, and they were discussing the hilariously ironic issue of Governor Elliot Spitzer's involvement in a prostitution ring. Now, I don't know who they were discussing it with, but it was a woman who proudly declared "Well, I wouldn't want a Governor who wasn't getting laid, but..."
Wait, wait, wait. Excuse me?
First of all, what difference does it make if a Governor is getting ass or not? Does that have an bearing on his ability to be an effective politician? And second of all, since when do people use the term "get laid" on major network news? Now okay, maybe she made a mistake, we all say silly things sometimes...
...but no.
This chick continued on, saying "well of course he wanted to get laid" and "men always want to get laid" and (I kid you not) "I fully support him wanting to get laid!" Yeah. Yeah. I mean sure, if the dude wants to get a prostitute, by all means, go for it. But we shouldn't actively be hoping our Governors are getting laid, and we should not be repeatedly saying "get laid! get laid!" on network news. It was so awkward and tacky and low class. The poor anchor was obviously flustered. I mean seriously, who the hell was this chick? Can someone clarify this for me?
Anyway, in case you're stupid and haven't quite picked up on the issue yet, Governor Spitzer (the Democratic Governor from New York) treated us all to a good laugh when a wiretap revealed that he'd been spending shocking amounts of money on prostitutes in New York and DC. Oh, and if you didn't know, this guy used to hold this little position - not very important, though you may have heard of it - this itty thing called the New York State Attorney General. Yeah. Yeah. Man, I'm saying that a lot today.
So while the esteemed Mr. Spitzer has been fighting crime and working to better the streets of New York, he's been "getting laid" left and right by prostitutes. I wonder if he was hanging out around Logan Circle - after all, according to Criminal Minds, that area is the third largest prostitution ring in the city. And it's right down the street! I totally could've been witness to an illicit liaison. Rowr.
It's this big... that's why I needed to seek out judgment-free sex from anonymous womenNow, I'm iffy on the subject. Unlike ABC's resident nymphomaniac supporter, I don't really give a shit about politician's love lives. Sure, it's great if they're getting regular action from their spouses/significant others but really, have you seen most of our politicians? Gross. I don't want to even think about them engaging in sexual activities. I'd kind of like to keep my vision, thanks.
But sure, if they want to "get laid" then go wild. But seriously, if you're the former Attorney General and now-Governor, you don't pick up prostitutes. You just don't. If you really want to, then wait until you're out of office. It's just tacky, and really pathetically ironic. And we've had enough of that. What's so wrong with you that you can't just get some ass out of your wife, or at least just grab a copy of Penthouse and beat your own meat? It's not that difficult, I'm sure someone could explain to you the wonders of masturbation, if you so need it.
It just looks bad when you get caught picking up this:
(Who, by the way is an actual Jersey City prostitute. Stunning, no?)
So, Governor Spitzer, to help you during this trying time, I've come up with a list of activities that should keep you busy, so that you don't find yourself in an alley way with someone named Miss Cherry L'Amour anytime soon. Here goes:
- Gardening: Keeps your hands busy, yet you still get the satisfaction of sowing your seed.
- Aerobics: A good cardio workout gets the blood flowing and keeps you sated.
- Theater: YOU get paid to fake love and orgasms in a variety of settings
- Cooking: Where there's plenty of heat, plenty of spice, and a savory happy ending
- Bicycling: You get to ride it all over the city
So, Elliot, take these ideas to heart. It'll probably do wonders for your reputation and your marriage. If, you know, you can ever get them situated again. Outlook not so good, but still. At any rate, these fun activities will keep you and your wife from looking like this in full view of the entire country (and probably most of Canada):
Ouch.
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