Name Competition!

Hello, brave warriors! My drugs are kicking in, and I am feeling extrodinarily calm and productive (is that an oxymoron?) and I realized I need to make some changes around here.

Beside scooping out my uterus with an ice cream scoop and throwing it at my doctor.

I need a new name for my blog! As... lovely as The Snark DC is, there are various problems with said name:

1) I don't like "The Snark" anymore (and didn't really like it much to begin with) and,
2) I happen to be moving from DC to LA, so DC isn't particularly relevant after May 16th-ish

So here are some possible names, and please feel free to contribute via comments or email! If it wasn't for all you loyal readers, well, then I'd just be bitching to empty cyberspace about uteri and my drinking problem. (And have no fear - even if it's something like TheOnomatopoeiaLA, you won't have to remember it - thanks to the wonder that is Blogger, if you keep on typing in thesnarkdc.blogspot.com, it'll just redirect you. Lovely!)

- TheSnarkLA (easy to remember)
- LACelebutard (this is great because it's LA as in Los Angeles, or La as in "the" - get it?? two birds, one pun)
- LAChelsea (see above, but with my own name instead of "celebutard")
- WestCoastSnark (that sounds too much like West Coast Video I think)
- WestCoastChels
- ChelseaInLA
- Whatever the hell else you can think of, because now the drugs are starting to make concentrating a little difficult

Remember, kids, the sky's the limit! Or something.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law states: "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong," and I really feel like that is the perfect summation of my existance.

Sure, sometimes I luck into things, but when it comes to health-related issues, it's just one big barrel of What The Fuck. Take Lupron Round 2, for example:

I put in the prescription for my Lupron injection nearly 2 weeks ago, knowing that I needed to get the shot somewhere between 2 weeks and a week-and-a-half before the prior Lupron dosage ran out. Which means I need it by next Friday. So of course the insurance company dicks me around for days and days, and I'm not actually able to have it mailed to me until yesterday. Which is okay, because as of today, it's about a week-and-a-half before the shot runs out. So I'm thinking "well, at least I have it now!"

Which of course means that this morning I wake up, feel terrible, and - whoops! - get my period. Nearly 10 days before the shot runs out. Which, might I add, is nearly impossible, seeing as the shots surpress ovulation so that I do not get my periods. Medical marvel, or freak of nature? You decide.

Now you may be wondering, "why is this such a bad thing? Besides the whole bleeding and PMS-craziness factors?" Well, loyal readers who enjoy TMI, it's a bad thing because when I ovulate and my happy little egg gets pushed out, endometrial tissue from my uterus sheds inward, rather than outward with all the other delightful gunk that constitutes a period, and then it likes to float around in my abdomen and attach itself to nerve endings, which is why I'm always in pain. Fabulous!

So no periods = no endomerial tissue = no pain. But of course I got my period - directly after having surgery. The whole point of having surgery and then being on Lupron continuously is to make sure periods do NOT happen, so that I have no more pain. Course we're not even sure now if the surgery was a success, and now I'm going and sloughing my innards all over the place, so I think it's safe to say that I am not a happy camper right now.

Well, I'm in quite a bit of agony, but I took a happy pill I had left over from the last time I was hospitalized, so I don't... care. It's a bizarre feeling. By this point I should be bawling and throwing whatever's handy, but right now all I want to do is eat chocolate and sit in a dirty little heap. Course then I'll get fat, and since I can't work out I can't eat and sit on my ass, especially since I'm supposed to be getting back into modeling. Ah, nothing says "beautiful young woman" like a bleeding, menopausing, hunched over freak of a girl.

Fabulous.

Announcements!

Hi hi hi!

Sorry everyone, I know I've been MIA, and several people have been wondering where I've been, but I promise I'm alive and well, and everything is moving along quite nicely!

I am, very happily, no longer working for my previous employer, which is why I haven't been online during the day. I was going to try to tough it out for a few weeks longer, but there comes a point in one's life where you realize you just can't take it anymore. As much as I enjoyed wasting my life away, well... it was time to start living my life, rather than thinking up imaginative ways to end it.

So I can finally announce: I am officially moving to Los Angeles in June! I've held off announcing it while I was still in the office, seeing as they probably wouldn't have appreciated me broadcasting that fact before telling them I was outta there, but now there's nothing holding me back from migrating west. Not even being broke.

Fuck the cold - palm trees, here I come!

I'm signing with a modeling agency out there (and I'll have more info on that after I finally meet with them face-to-face), and I'll spend my days living the Young American Dream - modeling, waiting tables, and rubbing elbows with every "I'm totally an up-and-coming star!" out there. It's going to be amazing. Jim and I will be building a little love nest of our very own, and we're planning on stalking various celebrities, especially Matthew McConaughey, because A) the dude lives in a trailer on the beach, it's not like he's hard to fine, and B) one of my goals in life is to smoke weed and play the bongo naked with him in a public place; it's just not negotiable.

I'm hoping it'll be something like college: sleep till noon, drink, get some work done, drink, eat some food, go out for the night, drink, etc. (because a life behind a desk, doing nothing, is not for me - a life in which I'm perpetually 20 is) just with Paris Hilton, or something. We're settling in West Hollywood, so it's not like it's out of the question - all the hot young people are there. And while, okay, we might not be living beside them, we'll at least be living beside the gas station they go to. Whatever works!

I'll be in DC for the next 2 weeks, packing and getting ready to go, then I'll be back in Boston for 2 more weeks, to say goodbye to my family and everyone else up there. If you need me, shoot me an email, because my internet appearances will be spotty at best. But, once I'm in LA, I'll actually be purchasing internet (unlike here, in which I steal it from Erin or my neighbors) so I'll be around. Hooray!

Celebrations Are In Order!

I'M FREE!!!!!!

California, here I come!

When in Rome: Don't Do as the Models Do

Oh GOD, this week's ANTM episode! Could it get any better than this?? But before I start really gushing, let me point out a few facts:

1. Anya is the best thing to ever happen, not only to me personally, but to all American viewers
2. Katarzyna makes me question my sexual orientation
3. Lauren is legit a zombie
4. The final three will be Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

So the girls are in Rome, and we open with one of the best scenes in Top Model history. Right after Anya confuses "rolling" with "rowing", as the girls are stepping out of the bus at the Colosseum, Anya fucking faceplants. Like, swan dives right off the stairs and splats onto the stone street. They cut to her in the confessional, and she just grins, saying:

"My first step in Rome, and I eat it on the ground!"

"I eat it!"

"But no brain, no pain!"

And that was when I fell in love with Anya. Which, upon reflection, was perfect timing. A solid 80% of the episode was dedicated solely to Anya and her ridiculous, but heartwarming, observations on herself and her fellow contestants. And I actually wanted to hug her when she was bringing food to Fatima and refusing to join in on the bashing that the rest of the girls were enjoying. Not a fountain of drama, but hey, the girl's likable. She does seem slightly mentally retarded, but she's so genuine, and (even with those platinum eyebrows) she really looks like a model. I was in rapture when it was pointed out that Anya is young and fresh and very modelesque, while Dominique was old and gross and the very definition of "used up." Okay, they didn't use that term, but hell they fucking implied it.


This picture pisses me off because it shows the standard Dominique get-up: a matronly, hideous and bulky sweater (I'm shocked there haven't been prancing animals on any of them yet, or kittens chasing balls of yarn), unwashed, greasy hair that keeps sticking up like alien antennas, and a hideous, open mouthed (tooth lacking) smile that threatens to suck your soul right out of your body. Oh, and she does indeed look around 150 years old - probably because she's a thousand year old succubus.

So, moving on, Anya wins the challenge (yet again) while Lauren proves that she's still a lurching, brain eating zombie (yet again.) It's sad too, because you can see by her walk that she has improved since the beginning, yet she still jerks and stomps like she has no control whatsoever over her dead, stiff carcass. Coincidence? I think not.

We continue on, and the girls discover that instead of a photo shoot this week, they'll be shooting Cover Girl commercials. In Italian. Oh, the horror. These commercial shoots are always painful enough when performed in English, given that none of the girls can actually act (and the ones that think they can act, are so over the top and horrible that they make Whitney look downright demure and humble), so you can only imagine how hilariously bad they are in Italian. Fatima and Katarzyna got it down fairly impressively, while the others drowned in a pool of their own inability. Lauren in particular - shockingly! - was absolutely horrific. Talk about a deer in the headlights - she was just waiting for a bullet between the eyes to take her out of her misery. I'm very disappointed that no one actually did that.

Grimacing on camera, mid-shoot? Or chomping for brains? You decide.

I knew that she was going home at that point - not only had she proven she was still shockingly inept at walking, she also showed that she's incapable of interacting with people, she's incapable of following directions, and she's incapable of maintaining a pulse. The odds were against her.

So, panel. Oh, panel - this week, the gods truly smiled down upon me.

First of all, my girl Katarzyna knows she needs to bring some... something, to the table, so she acts perkier than usual and shows the judges that she won't let herself get lost in the crowd. And she calls Tyra out on once again mangling her name, and does so not once, but twice - twice! Tyra seemed suitably pissed in her own "how dare any girl upstage me and point out how fucking stupid I am, even when everyone watching already knows!" kind of way, but it was fabulous. I love you, Katarzyna. No, I'm not kidding, seriously - are you single?

Second, the judges pull out the "Hot Tranny Mess" card again for good old (literally and figuratively) Dominique. Even Miss-freaking-J of all people admits, "I still think that she's a BROTHER!" Truer words have never been spoken; even if they did come out of the mouth of a man with rainbow glitter eyebrows.

Seriously, even my mother's kindergartners know better than to shove their faces in the glue tubes during art time. But that's neither here nor there. The pressing issue at hand is just how manly Dominique is. After surfing the internets, I found some amazing pictures of Dominique pre-ANTM, which really showcase just how much of a dude she really is. Granted, they're not crotch shots, but I think these speak for themselves:




I've got three words for you:

HOT. TRANNY. MESS.

I've never seen anything like it before. Although, please note that the "Hot" part is only applicable when she's made up to showcase her... uh, strong attributes. She instantly reverts back to "Octogenarian Tranny Mess" at the first sign of eye makeup remover.

I don't understand how no one's pointed out that men aren't allowed in the competition, but it's not like they've never "tweaked" the rules in the past (like letting in Eva , whos 5'6", and letting Saleisha win after she was in nationwide commercials and, you know, had appeared on the Tyra fucking Banks Show.) Whatever gets the best ratings, I suppose.

So Fatima gets first call out (which I think was only because Tyra was pissed at Katarzyna for pointing out what a stupid, ignorant idiot she is), followed by Katarzyna and Anya. I'm 99.999% sure that they're going to be the Final 3, because Dominique is too busted, Whitney is living on borrowed time, and Lauren, well, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So Dominique, unfortunately, gets the next call out, although it makes sense because at least she was "energetic" (if that's the word you want to choose) during her shoot. Whitney, on the other hand, was so ridiculously fake and sugary that it made your teeth ache, and Lauren was Lurch, so they were the bottom two. I was afraid Tyra was going to boot Whitney out, because A) no plus sized model has ever made it this far at ALL, and B) she is the plus sized model, and ANTM is well known for kicking their asses out without reason, but, like I said - the gods were smiling down on me!

LAUREN WENT HOME! Thank god! It was the FIRST time the panel actually showed real judgment and discretion during voting. They could've stuck with their "we make no sense and we prove this show has no credibility!" pattern and sent Whitney packing, but for once they got their shit together and sent the right girl home. Maybe the glue fumes from J's eyebrows are getting to everyone.

So Lurch goes home, Whitney is force fed some humble pie, and the world is happy again. Until next week, that is.

The Beauty of Amy Whinehouse

Today I find myself absolutely speechless.

It's not like I don't have a barrage of witty things waiting to come tumbling right out of my mouth (or is it my fingers, if I'm typing?) - but because I was just made witness to these pictures of the ever stunning Amy Winehouse. Seriously, you need to see these. Now.

It's like all of the horrible British stereotypes rolled into one terrifying ball of fury:

Horrific Teeth? Check!
Absolutely Smashed? Check!
Shockingly Unattractive Woman? Check!
Wasted Rocker Potential? Check and Check!

All "Rehab" jokes aside (no, no, no!) Amy Winehouse is a one-woman boozing demolition team. It's shocking that someone who weighs roughly 15 pounds soaking wet can consume so much alcohol on a daily basis and still keep on breathing. I'm starting to think her blood is actually just a constant stream of Jack Daniels - it would really explain everything.

To give her some credit, she has an amazing voice and her music is great. Unfortunately, she's turned herself into some kind of living zombie, and seems entirely unable to actually function as a member of society. Even the dirty, disgusting, disease riddled pigeons in the city gutters are more appealing at this point than she is.

I can't wait to see pictures from tonight's escapades!

And here's one more picture for your enjoyment - it's small, but packs a punch.

Tornados, Typhoons, and The Spy Museum

Do you know what the best part about waking up bright and (ridiculously) early on a Monday morning is?

To see that it's downpouring outside! Hurrah! Just when I thought things couldn't get any better! I trudged to work with my dress pants tucked jauntily into my galoshes, pretending like I couldn't feel the rain soaking all of my clothing (despite hiding beneath my umbrella.) I don't mind the rain if I can hide away in my apartment and watch scary movies or something, but actually having to get up and go somewhere in the rain makes me one hell of a cranky bitch.

My sentiments exactly

DC is just running the whole weather gambit lately. Friday and Saturday were hot and sunny, and we clocked in around 85 degrees; Sunday it downpoured again and the weather dropped into the mid-60's. Last night there was not only a fucking tornado watch, there was also a fucking tornado somewhere outside the city. I couldn't figure out where it was, because every time the news said it this morning, I was gargling or in the other room or eating my cereal (it's very loud to chew it, really) but still. And today is 60 and pouring. Tomorrow? The same. Then back up to the mid-70s. Talk about a pain in my ass.

On a lighter note, however, Erin bought me tickets to - drumroll, please! - the SPY MUSEUM for my birthday!!! I've been dying to go ever since I first came to DC, and never actually managed it in the four entire years I was here for college. I blame it on the booze.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, it was amazing! First we went in and did the Operation Spy simulation, in which Erin and I proved that while we're arse at surveillance, and totally would fail out of it during CIA training, we had the best intuition of the group; if only they'd trusted us and not Topaz! If we'd had our way, we would've saved the Trigger and made sure that nuclear warfare stayed out of the hands of the Kandhar Black Ops group. Damn you, tourists!

Then we spent 2 or so hours wandering around the museum, where we learned all sorts of fascinating tidbits about spies, especially during the major wars. We learned that Aldrich Ames was willing to sell his country out for only 2.7 million dollars (seriously, I know it was like 1985, but that is still not enough money to sell out your role as head of the fucking CIA to work for the KGB of all people!) and learned that in the 50's, even after celebrating the amazing achievements of a spy that helped crack the Nazi codes during WWII, one brave man was driven to suicide because - oops! - he was a homosexual and even though he saved the Allies' asses, they wanted to torture him with humiliating hormonal treatments because, you know, homosexuality was a crime. Ah yes, that makes perfect sense. I love the government.

Also, there was an exhibit on Ninjas!!!!

After wards, we hit up the gift shop, and I got myself yet another shot glass to add to my collection, while Erin rapturously delved into the hundreds of books about spies, historical plots, and all the other things that set her little heard a-patter. All-in-all, downpour aside, it was a fabulous day. Oh, and we have pictures somewhere of me attempting to crawl through an air duct... I'm still debating over whether or not to post them. Flattering, they are not, but they're quite amusing. Perhaps next time.

Hurrah for Warm Weather

It's going to be 85 DEGREES today! 85! That's summer weather!

BRB going on 50 coffee runs today so I can enjoy the sun.

(PS that's all I have today - it's a Friday so I'm brain dead. See you on Monday!)

America's Next Top "Reality" Show

Now, we all know that no Reality Show can escape the wrath of their particular producers and editors. Due to the sheer amount of taped footage amassed per day, we know that someone has to sit there and sift through all boring crap to get to the juicy stuff. We know that shows are angled in order to make them more interesting to viewers, and we take it all with a grain of salt, hoping that at least some of it actually comes out the way the people on-screen intended it to.

And then there's America's Next Top Model.

This particular episode featured a "we're not quite sure who's to blame" Catch 22 situation, in which our darling Fatima had to get her travel papers from the Consulate in order to travel oversees (as she's a refugee and not an American citizen), but she also had to be in the photoshoot. But! If she was in the shoot she couldn't get her papers, so it wouldn't matter if she won or not as she wouldn't be able to go abroad, but if she was in the shot and granted admission oversees, then she wouldn't have her papers so couldn't go anyway.

Still with me?

Obviously we all knew that the producers were aware of the issue ahead of time (and one of the FIRST questions they must've asked was "do you have proper travel documentation?" and of course they would've worked with her immediately to procure said documentation once she made it on the show) as some nameless, faceless producer was on the phone with Fatima several times in the episode. And of course Tyra & Co. (including the Great Frosted One himself, Jay Alexander - J Alexander? Which one's J and which one's Jay?) knew exactly where Fatima was and what she was doing. And, obviously, they planned this all for this episode because - surprise! - it was the episode in which they found out they were going abroad.

Okay so. There's an hour of absolute needless panic on Fatima's part, and Tyra enjoyed being a massive bitch a little too much, constantly berating Fatima for missing the shoot, despite being fully aware of where she had been. So by this point, everyone watching the episode with me was throwing their hands up in exasperation. Okay, we get it! You're doing this for ratings, you want people to feel the pressure, but the cat's out of the bag and now we want to kill you all! Everyone knows that Fatima will be going abroad no matter what, otherwise they never would've spent nearly 45 minutes following her plight. And we all know Stacy Ann is doomed, because seriously, could they be anymore obvious?

And then there's the whole issue of the shoot itself. We're lead to believe that the girls take their pictures, then trot right into panel (all of 30 seconds later) for their weekly judging. Except that the judges have already gone through ALL of the pictures, and photoshopped together some monstrosity supposedly showcasing all the girls' best pictures. Okay, we may be loyal ANTM watchers, but we're not that stupid. Stop offending our brain power - we get it.

Anyway, here's this week's hot mess of a photo shoot:

Aaaand that's it. Even CWtv.com couldn't muster up enough enthusiasm to get a picture we could actually see. If you can't tell (because you can't, unless you have a magnifying glass) here's the order of the girls, from left-to-right:

Lauren: Seriously, I don't get it; she nearly cuts her finger off and is fine, yet someone messes with the coffee and she almost has an aneurysm - what is this crazy bitch's deal? And can someone tell me why she photographs so amazingly, and yet can't even talk two damn feet in high heels?? How is it possible to be that glamorous and graceful in pictures, and yet in person be the long lost humanoid relative of Big Foot?

Stacy Ann: Aww, Stacy Ann. Even though they showed her entire portfolio and revealed that she only had one look the entire time (okay well this week she made a new face, but it resembled an Ostrich attempting to eat Whitney's face) and even though they made it very clear from the get go that her ass was grass, I still felt for her. She's just so... bubbly. To put it nicely. And seriously, who the fuck sends home Stacy Ann, but keeps Dominique?? Especially seeing how they showcased her MISSING FUCKING TOOTH like 10 times! What happened to the days of Joanie, in which a slight snaggle tooth resulted in super expensive veneers??

Whitney: Now, I adored Whitney at first, but it turns out that she's kind of a massive stuck up bitch. I realize that some of her 'tude is from her own insecurities (she is the only plus size model to have made it this far in the show, and she knows how hard a struggle it's been) but come on - she's doing wonderfully, there's no need to be such a raging cunt. It's very unbecoming. And for once, Tyra's right - she needs to lose that pageant act, and fast.

Anya: Anya! Oh my god! Okay at first I was like "wtf" about her, because even though I found her endearing (like a more mentally challenged version of Natasha), the accent and the general air of "fucking stupid" was really getting to me. Now, however, I realized that she's super sweet (despite being, you know, super dense) and girl! can she take a picture! She and Katarzyna were really the only ones that embodied the feel of this shoot, and Anya was the one to really rock the whole episode. Sure, at the 7Up party people seemed cheerfully perplexed by her, but she was comfortable and chatty and warmed up to everyone. And - shocker!! - did you guys see her 7Up ad?? Gorgeous! I was so shocked! She deserved that big 'ole check at the end of it, because she looked absolutely amazing. Maybe she'll join the ranks of the other ANTM girls (all 2 of them) that are actually getting work.

Dominique: Who let Bert the Pilot into the shoot?? Oh wait, that's not a hideously ugly 40-year old man, that's just Dominique! With that missing, rotted stump of a tooth, the horrifyingly greasy, unwashed hair, and a face that looks like it was slammed repeatedly into a concrete wall, Dominique proves yet again that Tyra is a complete fucking moron, as she's been allowed to head over to Rome. While Stacy Ann - who is never confused for a man - is sent packing, our tranny mess is going abroad. There is something very wrong here.

And last, but certainly not least,

Katarzyna: If I ever woke up one morning and decided that I was attracted to women, Katarzyna sure as hell better make sure she keeps all her doors and windows locked - otherwise I'll be crawling right in there and attempting to seduce her with my patented, tried-and-true seduction technique. I won't spill all my secrets, but it does involve Barry White, chocolate sauce, and spandex. Enough said.

Sex aside, Katarzyna is my absolute favorite because not only is she gorgeous, and not only does she consistently rock both the shoots and the runway, but she's also sane. I don't think we've ever had a sane person on the show before, so it's like accidentally finding a Marc Jacobs bag in the racks at WalMart. She did a fabulous job this week, and I was shocked that she wasn't called second. Sometimes I want to throttle Tyra, but at least she finally called my girl Kat, and all was right in the world. Besides, you know, Dominique showing her ugly face all over in the background. Here's to hoping she "accidentally disappears" in Rome.

And, next week - benvenuto a Roma!

The Pope Has Landed

So the Pope's in town, and apparently this is some kind of big deal, but to be honest I don't get it. It could be because I'm Jewish, or because I know nothing about Catholicism (is that even the right sect? are they even called sects?) or because I have no soul, but I can't be too sure.

I mean okay, so the Pope is the central figure of the Catholic Church, but haven't we progressed a little since the heyday of... oh, I don't know, the 1500's? The guy's like 90, and he's the head out an outdated, hate-propelling institution that seeks to force it's ideals and practices on anyone who's been "saved" and sees the ways of God and Jesus. That and I'm pretty sure he can shoot fireballs out of his hand, and kill people with his brain.

Now, to be fair, I believe myself to be tolerant of any religion, and of anyone's desire to practice as they please. In the same way that I don't want someone cramming religion down my throat, I in turn don't want to try to talk someone out of their own beliefs - to each their own. But with the current administration in the White House, and all of this ridiculous religious BS being crammed down our throats lately, I hardly want to play nice with a man that embodies that ultra conservative group that says women shouldn't be able to have abortions, that gays shouldn't be married, that Islam is inherently wrong, that sex-ed shouldn't be taught to children, etc etc. It's one thing to feel that way privately (though it still makes you an asshole) but it's quite another to make sweeping, stupid generalizations and try to force others to bend to your will. Gimme a break.

Other people, however, love the Pope and all he stands for. Apparently they think he's the new Elvis, the way people have been clamoring over barriers and shrieking with joy whenever he passes. Now, I understand why people do that with rock stars and such - there's always a 50/50 chance you'll be pulled out of the crowd and treated to a night of cocaine and sweaty, dirty sex - but something tells me that the Pope isn't one to pick up groupies for a drug fueled sex romp. Although he does drive a - wait for it! - Popemobile (says Wikipedia) which seems only steps away from a Pimpmobile.


Now that is a scandal I'd love to see - can you imagine the headlines?

Pope Benedict Involved in Illegal Prostitution and Drug Ring!

Amazing. Much better than those pesky Catholic Priest Gets Caught Diddling Group of 14-year-old Boys! headlines that seemed never ending a few years back. And maybe then the Pope would really deserve all the fascinated attention he gets. And hey, if he's banging prostitutes and snorting coke, at least the guy's having a good time. Although the Catholic Church will never condone the use of condoms, so he'll probably get something nasty, and then we'll need a new Pope. Well, this guy's only got a few years left in him anyway, so maybe it's for the best. C'est la vie.

The Order of the Hippo

Now, it's common knowledge that GW - oh, excuse me, The George Washington University - is a very pretentious institution. The school has spent the last several years preening, much as a male peacock would, and working as hard as they can to tell everyone in the higher education world that they're absolutely the best. So what if we're not Ivy League? Fuck the Ivies, we're like the younger, hipper, cooler version of them. Just ask anyone who works for the school.

Going to GW, you just sort of accept the whole thing. People will tear your face off if you dare to say that Georgetown might be a better school, yet when you make fun of American, people are all too willing to trip over themselves in an effort to crow about how much better we are. Competition is fierce, although I'm not entirely sure who we're competing against, as I don't think other schools realize just how rabid GW is about climbing the ranks (both on the US World News Rankings, and the "we're just flat out better than you in reputation" rankings.)

It's all very embarrassingly "Nouveau Riche" - like the awkward Californian dot-com millionaire who decides to declare himself a Boston Brahman. Sure, you have the money to play with the big boys, but your breeding is decidedly lower class (think: gardner's bastard, rather than the true heir of 300 years of exclusive blue blood breeding.) People just sort of... accept you without accepting you. And you never look quite right in those plaid beach shorts.

It's not easy being WASPy

So then it comes as no surprise that GW is not only cavorting around with it's very own "secret society" but is purposely being ridiculously obtuse about the whole thing, and is "accidentally" bringing the society to light (repeatedly) while denying it fervently, knowing full well that obviously people will realize it exists, and will believe it to be some kind of powerful, influential secret movement, comprised solely of tomorrow's Senators and Presidents. They want to pretend like they're an Ivy, just the more up-to-date younger brother version of it.

Most unfortunately, it is called The Order of the Hippo. And it's based on this hideous monstrosity (which, might I add, was a piece of absolute junk that our former president, Trachtenberg, picked up when shit faced one night, and only "donated" it to the school when his wife threatened to kick him out if he didn't get it the fuck out of their house - charming!) :


The Hatchet, GW's school paper, recently published a story about the 12th Order of the Hippo induction (for a secret society, they're awfully easy to find information on.) Here are some highlights, in bold, to show the absurdity (and pomposity) of the situation:

Students, alumni and administrators donned gowns, tuxedos and gold hippo pins Friday night in celebration of a pseudo-secret society's 12th annual induction dinner, which was held at the Law School.

Most of the 20 attendees who entered the Law School denied the Order of the Hippo's existence but failed to provide an explanation for their presence at the induction ceremony for new members.

"I'm going to an event," said Order founder and former University president Stephen Joel Trachtenberg, who was wearing a tuxedo. "It is some kind of alumni event."

Other University administrators who entered the Law School in formal attire included Peter Konwerski, assistant vice president of Student and Academic Support Services, and Barbara Porter, University President Steven Knapp's chief of staff. Knapp was not seen entering the Law School Friday night.

"Am I my brother's keeper?" Trachtenberg said when asked about Knapp's whereabouts.

Many of the students seen going into the Law School were 2007 graduates, including former Student Association Executive Vice President Josh Lasky, Justin Neidig and Jeff Goodman - all of whom have been previously linked to the Order.

"I will swear on my mother's grave that I don't know what is going on," Neidig said.

"Some 180 venerables" were invited to this year's dinner, according to an e-mail sent by the Order's Sergeant-At-Arms Chris Brooks to members of the society and given to The Hatchet.

Members of the Order should "only let a dozen or so members of the junior class become aware that they will be members of it in their senior year," Trachtenberg said in a speech at the society's first initiation, according to a transcript.

Little else is known about the initiation ceremony and the society's rules for membership.

In a 2007 interview, Neidig refused to discuss many of the details of the organization's membership.

"Membership is secret," he said. "(However), no individual is entitled to membership based upon arbitrary titles or campus involvement."

He added that initiation is "done in accordance (with) University guidelines."

In 2005, Student Judicial Services charged 12 Order members for violating the Student Code of Conduct and participating in hazing and underage drinking after Order members were seen on campus with blindfolds over their eyes and mud or face paint on their bodies.

The Code of Conduct defines hazing as "any action taken or situation created intentionally, with or without consent, whether on or off campus, to produce mental or physical discomfort, embarrassment, harassment or ridicule."

Attendees gathered outside the Law School said they did not know who would be admitted to the society this year.

In February, The Hatchet owas given an invitation for Friday's ceremony that listed Brooks, the chairman of the College Republicans, as the contact-person for the event.

Brooks, who was not seen entering the Law School, would not disclose his association with the Order in a February interview with The Hatchet.

"If I was involved, I wouldn't mention any involvement," Brooks said. "I find it interesting that an anonymous source tipped (The Hatchet) off to something that may or may not be true."

So, long story short, people are parading around campus in tuxedos, festooned with gold hippo pins, giving outrageously ridiculous statements and quotes, and pretty much bursting with excitement because now people are going to know they're all in a secret society! It'd would be hilarious, if it weren't so sad.

And the worst of it is that the Order hazes people. This is coming from a former President who wouldn't hesitate to try to get a greek organization booted off campus if there was even a hint of hazing, and yet they spend their time blindfolding their members, covering them in mud and paint, and parading them blindly around the campus quads. Genius! And since when was that the appropriate rites for a secret society induction? What about solemn oaths, brotherhood, and the ritual sacrifice of a goat? What would The Skulls say??

Time to Start Anew!

Good morning everyone!

So I've officially survived my first day as a 23 year old, and even managed to survive dinner last night without any homicides. Now that's progress! We went to 53 South in Hingham, and I had a lovely night, based only partially on the numerous Candy Apple Martinis I imbibed (they had a coconut rim! Talk about delicious!) We had some awkward moments, but in the end, no blood was spilled, and I consider that an overwhelming success. It's like we've all matured.

I promptly passed out as soon as I came home, and when I woke up this morning, I just felt... at peace with the world. I had a relaxing, enjoyable birthday, I've been able to spend time with friends and family lately, and it's a new (birthday) year - I have nowhere to go but up, from here. And I want to take advantage of that. 22 had it's ups and downs, but in the past few months I've felt like I'm stuck in a rut; I hate my job, I hate the city I live in, and I've been trying to figure out how to actually turn my life around and start doing what I really want to be doing.

Well, now I'm in the last year of my early-twenties, and I think it's high time to turn shit around, and start really living life. Especially because my free Tarot Card reading from tarot.com told me I was on the cusp of greatness! Because nothing says "oh, totally depend on this!" like a free online tarot reading. Seriously.

I don't have anything else intelligent or inspiring to say today. I just know that THE OFFICE comes back tonight!! Same with My Name is Earl! Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Shit - I'm really old.

I mean 23 - twenty-three. I'm still technically in my early-twenties, but next year marks the beginning of my mid-twenties. Mid-twenties. If you couldn't already tell, I keep repeating words today in a shocked, bewildered sort of tone. Anyway, today I'm 23, not 24, not any other age, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. If this is the last year of my mid-twenties, I sure as hell better enjoy every minute of it.

Quite literally, an online birthday card from my Blingee.com account

My mother left me a card in the bathroom this morning, and true to form, my mother continues to give me the most touching cards imaginable:

Card Outside: (3 old women on lounge chairs, in towels)
Old Woman 1: So I said, "I just don't see how that trapeze is going to hold both of us..."
Old Woman 2: You're making this up!
Old Woman 3: Who cares? What happens next!

Card Inside:
Getting older is fun if you hang out with the right people. Happy Birthday.
Hope you have a real hoot!! on your birthday - I know I will!! xoxo, Mom

(And just so you know, for my mom's birthday this year I gave her a card with an image of old, scantily clad people playing Hop Scotch - on the inside, it said "Fuck it, let's skip the Hop and go straight to the Scotch! Happy Birthday!" We just... get each other.)

I've already received some lovely presents, including season 1 of Torchwood, 3 books and 2 audio books from Sheridan, ridiculously adorable anchor print Vineyard Vines flip flops from Jen, and a gorgeous tan leather purse from my mother. I want to put all my books in the bag, put on my flip flops, and... charge outside into the 50 degree weather? Maybe not. Anyway, today I also received a present from my Tarot.com account (psh, like you don't get your horoscope delivered to your inbox every day!). It's a... um. Celtic Cross 11 Card reading? I'm not sure, I forget. But here's my prediction for my 23rd year - and it's the best reading I've ever had!

Self: Three of Wands

Main (positional) meaning: You are prepared to take risks to explore new opportunities or enterprises. The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now. When the Three of Wands is in this position an adventure is about to be set in motion. This card represents the burning drive that compels a person to risk his or her worldly fortunes for a chance at greatness. Committed to a plan of action, you have gathered resources and designed the step by step procedure. An enterprising spirit inspires you to strike out in this new direction rather than stay with the status quo. Now you can confidently set out on this journey of exploration and hopefully, enrichment.

Situation: Seven of Cups

Main (positional) meaning: Make sensible choices based on self-knowledge. The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. When the Seven of Cups is in this position, you may be entering a climate of affirmation and opportunity, perhaps in direct contrast to what has gone before. It is as if you have broken into a clearing after hacking your way through a thicket. The possibilities are so lush it's almost embarrassing, although not all of them can be acted upon. Be sensible. You have to know yourself well enough to determine which of all the available delights is truly for you and you alone. Take care not to be greedy in this situation. Sharpen your powers of discrimination, use your intuition, and follow your heart.

Challenges/ Opportunities: Ten of Cups

Main (positional) meaning: You know in your heart that you have done what is best for all concerned. The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. With the Ten of Cups in this position, let yourself relax, knowing your labors are completed. The worst is over and a much-improved future lies ahead. You are moving forward to a life which is very different from the one you inherited. You know that your heroic effort has made a real difference in the way things are now unfolding. Even if you don't receive all the recognition you have earned, a solid core of self-esteem is now your permanent possession. You did the right thing under challenging circumstances; you kept the greater good in mind. Knowing this produces feelings of personal gratification. Now you can lay this situation to rest and learn to live in a totally new way.

Foundation: Four of Coins

Main (positional) meaning: Take stock of your many blessings and honor your powerful roots. The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background. The Four of Coins in this position suggests you are blessed with substantial gift assets of one kind or another. Some families are culturally rich; some are spiritually rich, while others have financial wealth. All of these can be blessings. Take stock of your personal inheritance, and honor your roots. Be grateful for, and take advantage of, the natural resources passed down to you in this lifetime. In the English-school decks, we see the image of a person who is stuck in his or her misunderstanding of how the material plane works. He's afraid to let go of his four measly coins, because he doesn't know he has to give in order to get. When looked at this way, this is the card of "poverty consciousness."

Recent Past: Ace of Wands

Main (positional) meaning: Someone has shown you how to develop singleness of purpose. The card in the Recent Past position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power. With the Ace of Wands in this position, you have been shown an example of a person who has unified his or her will, heart and mind. Such an example is an extraordinary gift. Such a person is not only without duplicity but is like the still center of a howling gale. Capture this person's image and remember it, because it will help you develop a sense of inner harmony and singleness of purpose. This is not only an important lesson but also a real blessing that shouldn't be forgotten.

Higher Power: Justice

Main (positional) meaning: Divine power trusts you to do the right thing. The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom. When Justice comes up in this position, you are given the sword and scales to mediate an important debate, contract or negotiation. Two decidedly non-neutral parties are arguing a case before you as you sit in the seat of the village elder, the wise person. Your task is to find the balance point. Do not be swayed by sentiment, cut deals or do favors. Listen closely, then state the truth, guided by your Higher Power. Show each party how to surrender selfish considerations and cooperate around the most even-handed solution.

Near Future: Eight of Coins

Main (positional) meaning: Continue to cultivate your mastery and you will reap abundant success. The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies. With the Eight of Coins in this position, you are gearing up to design and render more sophisticated projects. Everything is in place for great success as long as you persevere. Your artistic and intellectual development are evolving in an upward spiral. Continue to refine your skills. Master your craft, building your reputation and attracting new projects, and you will be richly rewarded. Stay on track.

Blocks & Inhibitions: Ten of Wands

Main (positional) meaning: Preoccupation with externals obstructs your purpose; focus instead on the inner reality. The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections. The Ten of Wands in this position indicates you are placing too much value on outwardly oriented pursuits when what you are truly seeking -- inner peace -- is being neglected. Ask yourself if you purposely invite distractions into your life to keep from feeling and having what you are truly longing for, your source of true passion. If that seems true, decide what changes you will make to keep from obstructing inner progress any further.

Allies: Four of Swords

Main (positional) meaning: Look to history for personalities and deeds to model your aspirations. The card in the Allies position points to people who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time. The Four of Swords in this position suggests that your allies, role models and greatest inspirations may be members of previous generations; they may even be historical heroes or legendary figures. Seek inspiration from your archetypes of change, healing and wisdom, whose stories and deeds stir the urge within you to overcome obstacles and resolve problems. Turn the wheels of transformation and evolution. If none come immediately to mind, take time to search for role models who will inspire the qualities you wish to emulate and cultivate within yourself.

Advice: The Hierophant

Main (positional) meaning: Develop your expertise, and have faith that you are a master in the making. The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible. The Hierophant in this position advises that you return to the role of a meticulous student. Learn everything you can about your chosen area. Let that knowledge become a part of you and an operative influence on your day to day awareness. In this way, you can slowly and steadily establish real credibility in your field or chosen subject. Earn respect and recognition by completing your education and broadening your experience. If you already have all the necessary experience you need, then rewrite your resume so others can appreciate who you are and what you can bring to a situation. Focus on your goal and be determined. You may be destined to be a master in your realm.

Long-term Potential: Page of Coins

Main (positional) meaning: When you work smarter instead of harder, you may well devise a better way. The card in the Long-term Potential position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played. The Page of Coins (in some decks, a Princess) in this position indicates that the more completely you master the basics now -- whether regarding a relationship or some enterprise -- the greater your accomplishments will be in the future. Study how a small adjustment in technique can produce a substantial difference in outcome. Only after you have learned the history of your area of interest, and the demands that it makes on all who would master it, can you begin to see where you would make changes or invent better ways. Don't expect to just repeat what those who came before you did; refine your art and you will put your stamp on what is now like a dream in the mind of an apprentice (i.e. the Page). You have the power to gain true mastery if you remain devoted enough to put in the necessary time and effort.

Hot damn. BRB, fulfilling my awesome destiny!

My Last Day as a 22 Year Old

Days till Old Age: Tomorrow

Crap.

So today is my last full day of being 22, and already I'm not so sure I want to live to see tomorrow. First of all, my uterus still motherfucking hurts, which is baffling me; last time I had surgery, it was much more intensive, and yet I was up and dragging my ass around after a few days. Hell, exactly a week after surgery, I began driving myself into Quincy, hopping on the T, and taking freaking summer classes at UMass! But now I'm cranky and sore and my belly button is fucked up, and really people, can I just be healthy???

Second of all, seeing as I'm home for my birthday, tomorrow can mean one terrifying thing, and one terrifying thing only:

Family. Dinner.

Like most people my age, my parents are divorced, and have been divorced for quite some time. Nothing out of the ordinary there. However, unlike most other people, my parents are entirely incapable of being human around each other, and even if they're not screaming and ripping each other's limbs off, they're so anxious and awkward around each other that it always drives me into panic attack territory. Either my father is ranting and raving about something that happened (or, often times, never actually happened) twelve years ago, or he's babbling on so rapidly about something exciting but intelligible that it makes everyone dizzy. There's no happy, calm middle ground - extremes all around for us, baby.

Add in to the mix our latest ex-almost-stepmother (to clarify, she wasn't our step mother, but may have well as been, but now she's another ex, but she still hangs out with the family, so it immediately brings the awkward quotient up to "Insanity") and I think the world might collapse in on itself. I have the urge to flee into the night, but A) it's not night, and B) I can't even mosey, let alone flee, so I think I'm stuck here.

At least we're going to 53 South, which means MARTINI BAR! So I'll be wasted within minutes of arriving at the restaurant, and that's the only solace I can cling to. If I'm lucky, I can pass out somewhere between the appetizers and the main course (ooh, like a mini diet!) and I won't remember anything the next morning. Good thing my tolerance is at an embarrassing low right now.

So, in honor of my last day of being 22, I've put together a list of highlights from the past year. Here goes:

1. The Mormon Mauler: Aw! Nothing says "romantic fun" like a guy that can't hold his liquor or his cocaine. Add into the mix that he's a Mormon that has no problem mauling you half to death, but freaks out at the idea of sex, and you have yet another reason why I refuse to date again for a very, very long time. Also, no, there were no onomatopoeias in the stuffed shells - and yes, he asked this right before passing out on top of Erin on our couch in the dorm. Aw.

2. Graduation: I did it! I graduated! Hooray for a BA in English! I find it hilarious that I graduated with an English degree, and my brother now wants to get a BA in Art History - my parents somehow managed to have children that want the least lucrative degrees in the history of time. Hello, never ending debt! At any rate, somehow my 4 years of boozing, sorority life, and skipping 99% of my classes paid off - well, by paid off, I mean GW became the most expensive school in the country, and we paid over $200,000 for my education, and now with an English degree I'll never make any money, so the school owns my soul. Yes!

3. Getting My First Apartment: I seriously lucked out hard with this apartment. While the rent may be insane, it's much cheaper than anything else in the area (because the building is gross and people are regularly murdered in the halls, if you didn't already know), and you really can't beat the location (midtown on the cusp of downtown? Right between Dupont and Logan Circles? Right between 3 of the largest Metro stops in the city? Hell yeah!) I also lucked into this place because I signed a freaking lease the morning before I got my first job!

4. Appropriately, Gettiing My First Job: Aw, I remember thinking I was going to have such a great time. I was a legal and marketing assistant (or so I thought) and what could be a better stepping stone than that?? And then I realized that by "legal and marketing assistant" my bosses meant "cute chick that does nothing but makes us look good" and then I was sad. And planning my escape.

5. NYC Summer: This summer was the most amazing summer I've ever had. I spent most of it in New York City, being almost entirely broke, and loving every minute of it. New York in the summer is just breathtaking; there's so much to do, and so much fun to be had, and I miss it like crazy. And I realized that I loved living the "bohemian" (aka "broke ass") life. It was exciting and you never knew what was going to happen next. Or when you were going to eat next.

6. Go (Mid)West!: I dunno, I went to the midwest for the first time (other than just going there as a layover before moving onwards.) It was much cuter than I thought it would be, even if you could smell animal in most of the city.

6. Surgery Round 2: Yeah, uh, still holding out hope that this is eventually going to make me feel 100% better again, like the last round did.

So that was, partially, being 22. Of course there was more, but I'm tired of typing, and my uterus is complaining about my laptop being on top of it. So, before I go, I want to type out a list of things I want to achieve during my 23rd year:

- Move the fuck out of DC
- Go to back to Europe
- Sign the contract with the agency in LA
- Bang a celebrity
- Become a celebutard
- Have a haircut named after me

And more! I can't think straight, I need to go take a pain killer and try not to throw up my breakfast, so I'll figure this out once I'm actually 23. Good times!

Superficiality

My bellybutton is now half an innie, and half an outtie. My beautiful, perfect bellybutton, is now some kind of halfsie, to quote Dwight. MY FUCKING ADORABLE BELLYBUTTON IS FUCKED UP FROM SURGERY. I can't even look at it, even knowing I'm still swollen as fuck, and it might not be too bad when all's said and done; it literally makes me want to throw up. I'm so superficial it's shocking.

And I don't know if:

A) My belly ring will even be able to go back in, seeing as it can, at the moment, only sit in HALF MY NAVEL, and

B) If the bottom ring hole is even there. I can't tell, and touching it, again, nearly induces vomiting. At least the top hole is still open and fine. And, you know, there.


That's all I've got.

America's Next Top (Drowned) Model

Days till Old Age: 5 (I had to look up what day it was, that's what state my brain is in)
Days till My Uterus Explodes: idk like, probably twenty seconds from now

I seriously think my uterus is going to blow up and kill everyone within a five mile radius. I was feeling great after surgery, but beginning Wednesday night my uterus decided it was time to rebel, and has been oozing blood. Yeah, that's right, I said it: oozing blood. It sounds a hell of a lot grosser than it actually is in practice, but it's still gross, and it hurts like a mother fucker, and it is not helping my cabin fever and current manic feelings. Apparently it's from a wound from surgery, when my doctor clamped my uterus in order to move it around. Yeah, if that didn't just make me the sexiest person in existence, I just don't know what will.

Oh, wait, you want real sexy? Then I guess it's a good thing I waited till now to do this week's ANTM recap! On to the real sexiness!

This Week's Episode: Saran Wrap and Models in Puddles

This week's episode was disappointing for a variety of reasons. First of all, was anyone else hoping that Claire had indeed given herself a concussion (or at the very least, broken her neck and paralyzed herself?) when she hilariously face planted onto the, uh... giant Saran Wrap screen? I was so pissed when she pushed herself back up and started moving around, as I'd been praying she'd at least knock herself unconscious, and drown in the small pool of water. I guess it just wasn't my night.

Second of all, did anyone else want to cry when they chopped off Katarzyna's hair? Like I said right after the makeover edition, they could shave her bald and stick her in a paper bag, and the girl would still be amazingly hot, but must they keep butchering her hair? Like, c'mon, really people. Okay so she rocked an Emo look for one shoot - that does not mean you need to hack off her tresses. I suppose, in some ways, it does take away some of the sex kitten aspect she couldn't shake (or the "Eastern European tackiness" - thank you, Paulina) but I just don't get it. I mean, it's not like Tyra's prone to making sound decisions, but I still hold out hope. I guess I'm too optimistic.

Lastly, it was also the Go See Episode, and while they at least they were (finally) taken pity on this episode, I still hate the go sees with a fiery passion. The girls are always so fucking stupid at their appointments, and you seriously have to wonder just how the hell they manage to function in society on a daily basis. This time was no different. Fatima scared everyone with her under 100 lb frame, the Dominique/Whitney group didn't know when to shut the fuck up, people were ungrateful in front of the designers, and Lauren proved, yet again, that she should never be allowed anywhere near civilized people. (Seriously, I was afraid the bitch was going to start tweaking out again - what the fuck was she thinking in that fight about fucking coffee??)

At any rate, the shoot was... interesting. I'll give it that much. Some of the pictures were fabulous (and it pains me to say so, seeing as some of the ones I adored were from people I want to kill, but whatever) but others clearly said, "hey, we're attempting to drown awkward models in small puddles on Saran Wrap." Not quite something you usually see in the pages of Vogue. Here are the pictures, in order of call out:

Winner: Fatima

I hate that Fatima did so well, because I have to admit that she... well, you know, did really well. She looks graceful and perfectly proportioned, and she really just flows with the whole shoot. She embodies the feel of the shoot and doesn't let that whole "water in my eyes, nose, mouth, etc" thing shake her off. Most unfortunately. And I also have to admit that I was actually on her side during Lauren's insanity. Fatima was - for once - nothing but nice, and actually apologetic, yet Lauren continued to scream and rant like she was about to eat her face off. I'm kind of disappointed that it didn't escale to that point, really. Two birds, and all.


Anya

Oh, Anya. I'm convinced there's nothing but some cotton stuffing in your skull, but I have to admit that you're a good model. Anya knows how to pose, and she has no qualms about acting ridiculous in order to get the shot (it also helps that she's always acting ridiculous) and it shows. Her last few pictures have been really good, and she continues to chug along and consistently do well. Even if her eyebrows seem to have escaped her face.


Katarzyna

OMG how excited were all of you when Katarzyna finally made Cover Girl of the Week?? I may have shrieked a little out loud - not only did Claire finally get kicked the fuck out of the spot, it went to my absolute favorite girl in the competition. Katarzyna is gorgeous and takes incredible pictures (I actually think she did better than Anya here, but at least she was called out third) and consistently does well. She can walk, she looked amazing in all of the designer pieces at the Go Sees, and she takes beautiful pictures. Sure, she could be more outgoing and... zanier... like the other competitors, but the fact that she's so normal and sweet is so damn refreshing. The judges should stop harping on her to be crazier, and appreciate the fact that finally someone is normal (and tolerated by the general population.)


Whitney

Ummm... Whitney. Okay, Whitney is still fierce as hell, and I am still very excited that she's doing so well, and seems to be in the competition for the long haul, but this episode I was kind of... baffled. That she would bitch about the designer right there in the designer's studio was shocking, and I wanted to slap some sense into her. Yes, she's gorgeous, and yes, it's unfair that even though she is so gorgeous she won't be able to be in the same shows as the other girls, but she knows this. Unlike most of the girls, Whitney's not an idiot, and she needs to pull herself together. Sure, I'd love to see them send her on a Go See that caters to plus sized models, but hey, the second designer did have women of all sizes in their shows, and happily said they'd use her, so she needs to stop the pity party. She's so lucky she's made it this far, and is actually a force to reckon with. Now stop the goddamn bitching. Oh, and one more thing - what the fuck is a "fabulous, full sized fetus?" Is that supposed to be a compliment, Paulina?


Stacy Ann

Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann. I'm still not sure what to do with her. I have to admit that - even with her ostrich face and falsetto voice - she's growing on me. I still think she's kind of scary in general, but she does have the certain... je ne sais quois. Well, she has something at least. And I was impressed by how good she looked in the designer samples at the go sees. Her skin is so beautiful, and it looked brilliant against the clothes, and it helped that she could actually, you know, walk in them. She's still not my favorite, but at least she's not Dominique. Oh, and that brings me to...


Dominique

Let me ask you the same question I asked you last week - do you know what this is? This is a dude. A dude in a dress. A dude in a dress in a puddle of water. There is nothing in this world that can convince me that Dominique is actually a woman, even if you pulled her pants off and aired her vagina like Paris Hilton during a night on the town. Dominique is a man. She's literally so horrifically ugly that it offends me. Every time she's shown on the screen, I want to run to New York, hunt her down and beat her to a bloody pulp, just to stop the madness. Between the soccer mom hair, the pulsating, protruding veins in her neck, and the general offensiveness that is anything above her shoulders, it's just too much to handle. It's like she's been placed there solely to anger me. Her pictures are hideous and awkward and good fucking lord, I can't wait for the day that the villagers storm the studios with their pitchforks and torches and off her.


Lauren: Bottom Two

Uh, I'm not sure what happened here, but I think that Lauren went on the rampage, then slipped and fell to her untimely death on this screen. It really looks like she just fell and splattered messily everywhere - very much like a bug on a windshield. It's not graceful or attractive, which isn't surprising, seeing as Lauren is the exact antithesis of both graceful and attractive. And seriously, this whole Anger Management Issue thing is really freaking me out. Sure, she occasionally takes good pictures, but she's otherwise completely incapable of modeling in any capacity, and she's probably going to snap and murder all of the other contestants, so we could probably get her in a straight jacket sooner than later. Although how awesome was it to see the second designer literally gape at how terrible Lauren's Lurch walk is? She was so horrified!


Claire: Went Home

Thank GOD! At least ONE good thing came out of this episode! Claire has been on thin ice from the moment her ugly ass sauntered out for her first minute on air, in all her half-buzzed-head, self-breast milk-drinking glory. Claire is 24 but looks 54, and is so untalented and hideous that I was terrified she'd end up in the final 2. And what was the deal with her (until this week) because the goddamn Cover Girl of the Week?? Claire brought absolutely nothing to the proverbial table, and every week she stayed on, I wept for all our sakes. At least now she can go back to her baby (you know, the one she misses soooo much, but willingly abandoned for a half-assed reality tv show?) and save us all the horror of being subjected to her face and body.