When in Rome: Don't Do as the Models Do

Oh GOD, this week's ANTM episode! Could it get any better than this?? But before I start really gushing, let me point out a few facts:

1. Anya is the best thing to ever happen, not only to me personally, but to all American viewers
2. Katarzyna makes me question my sexual orientation
3. Lauren is legit a zombie
4. The final three will be Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get started!

So the girls are in Rome, and we open with one of the best scenes in Top Model history. Right after Anya confuses "rolling" with "rowing", as the girls are stepping out of the bus at the Colosseum, Anya fucking faceplants. Like, swan dives right off the stairs and splats onto the stone street. They cut to her in the confessional, and she just grins, saying:

"My first step in Rome, and I eat it on the ground!"

"I eat it!"

"But no brain, no pain!"

And that was when I fell in love with Anya. Which, upon reflection, was perfect timing. A solid 80% of the episode was dedicated solely to Anya and her ridiculous, but heartwarming, observations on herself and her fellow contestants. And I actually wanted to hug her when she was bringing food to Fatima and refusing to join in on the bashing that the rest of the girls were enjoying. Not a fountain of drama, but hey, the girl's likable. She does seem slightly mentally retarded, but she's so genuine, and (even with those platinum eyebrows) she really looks like a model. I was in rapture when it was pointed out that Anya is young and fresh and very modelesque, while Dominique was old and gross and the very definition of "used up." Okay, they didn't use that term, but hell they fucking implied it.


This picture pisses me off because it shows the standard Dominique get-up: a matronly, hideous and bulky sweater (I'm shocked there haven't been prancing animals on any of them yet, or kittens chasing balls of yarn), unwashed, greasy hair that keeps sticking up like alien antennas, and a hideous, open mouthed (tooth lacking) smile that threatens to suck your soul right out of your body. Oh, and she does indeed look around 150 years old - probably because she's a thousand year old succubus.

So, moving on, Anya wins the challenge (yet again) while Lauren proves that she's still a lurching, brain eating zombie (yet again.) It's sad too, because you can see by her walk that she has improved since the beginning, yet she still jerks and stomps like she has no control whatsoever over her dead, stiff carcass. Coincidence? I think not.

We continue on, and the girls discover that instead of a photo shoot this week, they'll be shooting Cover Girl commercials. In Italian. Oh, the horror. These commercial shoots are always painful enough when performed in English, given that none of the girls can actually act (and the ones that think they can act, are so over the top and horrible that they make Whitney look downright demure and humble), so you can only imagine how hilariously bad they are in Italian. Fatima and Katarzyna got it down fairly impressively, while the others drowned in a pool of their own inability. Lauren in particular - shockingly! - was absolutely horrific. Talk about a deer in the headlights - she was just waiting for a bullet between the eyes to take her out of her misery. I'm very disappointed that no one actually did that.

Grimacing on camera, mid-shoot? Or chomping for brains? You decide.

I knew that she was going home at that point - not only had she proven she was still shockingly inept at walking, she also showed that she's incapable of interacting with people, she's incapable of following directions, and she's incapable of maintaining a pulse. The odds were against her.

So, panel. Oh, panel - this week, the gods truly smiled down upon me.

First of all, my girl Katarzyna knows she needs to bring some... something, to the table, so she acts perkier than usual and shows the judges that she won't let herself get lost in the crowd. And she calls Tyra out on once again mangling her name, and does so not once, but twice - twice! Tyra seemed suitably pissed in her own "how dare any girl upstage me and point out how fucking stupid I am, even when everyone watching already knows!" kind of way, but it was fabulous. I love you, Katarzyna. No, I'm not kidding, seriously - are you single?

Second, the judges pull out the "Hot Tranny Mess" card again for good old (literally and figuratively) Dominique. Even Miss-freaking-J of all people admits, "I still think that she's a BROTHER!" Truer words have never been spoken; even if they did come out of the mouth of a man with rainbow glitter eyebrows.

Seriously, even my mother's kindergartners know better than to shove their faces in the glue tubes during art time. But that's neither here nor there. The pressing issue at hand is just how manly Dominique is. After surfing the internets, I found some amazing pictures of Dominique pre-ANTM, which really showcase just how much of a dude she really is. Granted, they're not crotch shots, but I think these speak for themselves:




I've got three words for you:

HOT. TRANNY. MESS.

I've never seen anything like it before. Although, please note that the "Hot" part is only applicable when she's made up to showcase her... uh, strong attributes. She instantly reverts back to "Octogenarian Tranny Mess" at the first sign of eye makeup remover.

I don't understand how no one's pointed out that men aren't allowed in the competition, but it's not like they've never "tweaked" the rules in the past (like letting in Eva , whos 5'6", and letting Saleisha win after she was in nationwide commercials and, you know, had appeared on the Tyra fucking Banks Show.) Whatever gets the best ratings, I suppose.

So Fatima gets first call out (which I think was only because Tyra was pissed at Katarzyna for pointing out what a stupid, ignorant idiot she is), followed by Katarzyna and Anya. I'm 99.999% sure that they're going to be the Final 3, because Dominique is too busted, Whitney is living on borrowed time, and Lauren, well, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So Dominique, unfortunately, gets the next call out, although it makes sense because at least she was "energetic" (if that's the word you want to choose) during her shoot. Whitney, on the other hand, was so ridiculously fake and sugary that it made your teeth ache, and Lauren was Lurch, so they were the bottom two. I was afraid Tyra was going to boot Whitney out, because A) no plus sized model has ever made it this far at ALL, and B) she is the plus sized model, and ANTM is well known for kicking their asses out without reason, but, like I said - the gods were smiling down on me!

LAUREN WENT HOME! Thank god! It was the FIRST time the panel actually showed real judgment and discretion during voting. They could've stuck with their "we make no sense and we prove this show has no credibility!" pattern and sent Whitney packing, but for once they got their shit together and sent the right girl home. Maybe the glue fumes from J's eyebrows are getting to everyone.

So Lurch goes home, Whitney is force fed some humble pie, and the world is happy again. Until next week, that is.