America's Next Top (Drowned) Model

Days till Old Age: 5 (I had to look up what day it was, that's what state my brain is in)
Days till My Uterus Explodes: idk like, probably twenty seconds from now

I seriously think my uterus is going to blow up and kill everyone within a five mile radius. I was feeling great after surgery, but beginning Wednesday night my uterus decided it was time to rebel, and has been oozing blood. Yeah, that's right, I said it: oozing blood. It sounds a hell of a lot grosser than it actually is in practice, but it's still gross, and it hurts like a mother fucker, and it is not helping my cabin fever and current manic feelings. Apparently it's from a wound from surgery, when my doctor clamped my uterus in order to move it around. Yeah, if that didn't just make me the sexiest person in existence, I just don't know what will.

Oh, wait, you want real sexy? Then I guess it's a good thing I waited till now to do this week's ANTM recap! On to the real sexiness!

This Week's Episode: Saran Wrap and Models in Puddles

This week's episode was disappointing for a variety of reasons. First of all, was anyone else hoping that Claire had indeed given herself a concussion (or at the very least, broken her neck and paralyzed herself?) when she hilariously face planted onto the, uh... giant Saran Wrap screen? I was so pissed when she pushed herself back up and started moving around, as I'd been praying she'd at least knock herself unconscious, and drown in the small pool of water. I guess it just wasn't my night.

Second of all, did anyone else want to cry when they chopped off Katarzyna's hair? Like I said right after the makeover edition, they could shave her bald and stick her in a paper bag, and the girl would still be amazingly hot, but must they keep butchering her hair? Like, c'mon, really people. Okay so she rocked an Emo look for one shoot - that does not mean you need to hack off her tresses. I suppose, in some ways, it does take away some of the sex kitten aspect she couldn't shake (or the "Eastern European tackiness" - thank you, Paulina) but I just don't get it. I mean, it's not like Tyra's prone to making sound decisions, but I still hold out hope. I guess I'm too optimistic.

Lastly, it was also the Go See Episode, and while they at least they were (finally) taken pity on this episode, I still hate the go sees with a fiery passion. The girls are always so fucking stupid at their appointments, and you seriously have to wonder just how the hell they manage to function in society on a daily basis. This time was no different. Fatima scared everyone with her under 100 lb frame, the Dominique/Whitney group didn't know when to shut the fuck up, people were ungrateful in front of the designers, and Lauren proved, yet again, that she should never be allowed anywhere near civilized people. (Seriously, I was afraid the bitch was going to start tweaking out again - what the fuck was she thinking in that fight about fucking coffee??)

At any rate, the shoot was... interesting. I'll give it that much. Some of the pictures were fabulous (and it pains me to say so, seeing as some of the ones I adored were from people I want to kill, but whatever) but others clearly said, "hey, we're attempting to drown awkward models in small puddles on Saran Wrap." Not quite something you usually see in the pages of Vogue. Here are the pictures, in order of call out:

Winner: Fatima

I hate that Fatima did so well, because I have to admit that she... well, you know, did really well. She looks graceful and perfectly proportioned, and she really just flows with the whole shoot. She embodies the feel of the shoot and doesn't let that whole "water in my eyes, nose, mouth, etc" thing shake her off. Most unfortunately. And I also have to admit that I was actually on her side during Lauren's insanity. Fatima was - for once - nothing but nice, and actually apologetic, yet Lauren continued to scream and rant like she was about to eat her face off. I'm kind of disappointed that it didn't escale to that point, really. Two birds, and all.


Anya

Oh, Anya. I'm convinced there's nothing but some cotton stuffing in your skull, but I have to admit that you're a good model. Anya knows how to pose, and she has no qualms about acting ridiculous in order to get the shot (it also helps that she's always acting ridiculous) and it shows. Her last few pictures have been really good, and she continues to chug along and consistently do well. Even if her eyebrows seem to have escaped her face.


Katarzyna

OMG how excited were all of you when Katarzyna finally made Cover Girl of the Week?? I may have shrieked a little out loud - not only did Claire finally get kicked the fuck out of the spot, it went to my absolute favorite girl in the competition. Katarzyna is gorgeous and takes incredible pictures (I actually think she did better than Anya here, but at least she was called out third) and consistently does well. She can walk, she looked amazing in all of the designer pieces at the Go Sees, and she takes beautiful pictures. Sure, she could be more outgoing and... zanier... like the other competitors, but the fact that she's so normal and sweet is so damn refreshing. The judges should stop harping on her to be crazier, and appreciate the fact that finally someone is normal (and tolerated by the general population.)


Whitney

Ummm... Whitney. Okay, Whitney is still fierce as hell, and I am still very excited that she's doing so well, and seems to be in the competition for the long haul, but this episode I was kind of... baffled. That she would bitch about the designer right there in the designer's studio was shocking, and I wanted to slap some sense into her. Yes, she's gorgeous, and yes, it's unfair that even though she is so gorgeous she won't be able to be in the same shows as the other girls, but she knows this. Unlike most of the girls, Whitney's not an idiot, and she needs to pull herself together. Sure, I'd love to see them send her on a Go See that caters to plus sized models, but hey, the second designer did have women of all sizes in their shows, and happily said they'd use her, so she needs to stop the pity party. She's so lucky she's made it this far, and is actually a force to reckon with. Now stop the goddamn bitching. Oh, and one more thing - what the fuck is a "fabulous, full sized fetus?" Is that supposed to be a compliment, Paulina?


Stacy Ann

Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann, Stacy Ann. I'm still not sure what to do with her. I have to admit that - even with her ostrich face and falsetto voice - she's growing on me. I still think she's kind of scary in general, but she does have the certain... je ne sais quois. Well, she has something at least. And I was impressed by how good she looked in the designer samples at the go sees. Her skin is so beautiful, and it looked brilliant against the clothes, and it helped that she could actually, you know, walk in them. She's still not my favorite, but at least she's not Dominique. Oh, and that brings me to...


Dominique

Let me ask you the same question I asked you last week - do you know what this is? This is a dude. A dude in a dress. A dude in a dress in a puddle of water. There is nothing in this world that can convince me that Dominique is actually a woman, even if you pulled her pants off and aired her vagina like Paris Hilton during a night on the town. Dominique is a man. She's literally so horrifically ugly that it offends me. Every time she's shown on the screen, I want to run to New York, hunt her down and beat her to a bloody pulp, just to stop the madness. Between the soccer mom hair, the pulsating, protruding veins in her neck, and the general offensiveness that is anything above her shoulders, it's just too much to handle. It's like she's been placed there solely to anger me. Her pictures are hideous and awkward and good fucking lord, I can't wait for the day that the villagers storm the studios with their pitchforks and torches and off her.


Lauren: Bottom Two

Uh, I'm not sure what happened here, but I think that Lauren went on the rampage, then slipped and fell to her untimely death on this screen. It really looks like she just fell and splattered messily everywhere - very much like a bug on a windshield. It's not graceful or attractive, which isn't surprising, seeing as Lauren is the exact antithesis of both graceful and attractive. And seriously, this whole Anger Management Issue thing is really freaking me out. Sure, she occasionally takes good pictures, but she's otherwise completely incapable of modeling in any capacity, and she's probably going to snap and murder all of the other contestants, so we could probably get her in a straight jacket sooner than later. Although how awesome was it to see the second designer literally gape at how terrible Lauren's Lurch walk is? She was so horrified!


Claire: Went Home

Thank GOD! At least ONE good thing came out of this episode! Claire has been on thin ice from the moment her ugly ass sauntered out for her first minute on air, in all her half-buzzed-head, self-breast milk-drinking glory. Claire is 24 but looks 54, and is so untalented and hideous that I was terrified she'd end up in the final 2. And what was the deal with her (until this week) because the goddamn Cover Girl of the Week?? Claire brought absolutely nothing to the proverbial table, and every week she stayed on, I wept for all our sakes. At least now she can go back to her baby (you know, the one she misses soooo much, but willingly abandoned for a half-assed reality tv show?) and save us all the horror of being subjected to her face and body.