When Fish Attack

Sooo...

You know how British people are... well, weird? They say "boot" instead of "trunk" and add the letter "u" to everything so "color" becomes "colour" and they switch around "er" so "center" becomes "centre" and so on and so forth? And how they pepper their conversations with words like "wonky" and "shagging" and such? And how they name their kids "Imogen Poots" and "Mackinstosh Muggleton" (no seriously, those are the kids from 28 Weeks Later, not Harry Potter characters.)

I guess it only makes sense then that a fish that resembles a retarded looking stuffed animal has sparked widespread panic among the British citizens. Uh. This would be said offender (and I assure you, the caption beneath it is actually from The Sun, a UK magazine):

Teeth ... snakehead eats everything and can even kill humans

Uh. Now, according to the article, this "harbinger of death" can grow to be 3 feet long, and weigh up to 44 pounds. To me, it looks like an ugly toy that someone buys to freak out a friend. But, according to the article, this squeaky toy-esque monstrosity craves human flesh. Here's the article (with the awesome stuff bolded, although they put some fun things in CAPS to begin with):

PSYCHO PREDATOR IS SID FISCHIOUS

A SAVAGE fish more terrifying than a piranha has been caught in Britain for the first time — sparking fears of a deadly invasion.

The vicious giant snakehead EATS everything it comes across and has even been reported to KILL people.

The monster — from south-east Asia — has a mouth crammed with fearsome teeth, can “crawl” on land and survive out of water for up to four days.

News that a 2ft specimen had been hooked in an English river caused widespread panic among anglers and conservationists.

Journey ... smuggle fear

An Environment Agency source said last night: “The reaction was, ‘Oh s***’. This is the ultimate invasive species — if it starts breeding here it’s a disaster.” Angler Andy Alder caught the snakehead while using a sprat as bait for pike on the River Witham near North Hykeham, Lincs.

Andy, of Lincoln, said: “It had a gob full of razor-sharp teeth. To be honest it looked terrifying.”

Experts who studied photos of Andy’s catch confirmed it was the predator which is on a list of species that cannot be imported into the UK.

It is feared the fish had been smuggled in for an aquarium and then illegally released. Snakeheads caused chaos when they were found in America in 2002, with snipers setting up on banksides to shoot them and entire lakes being poisoned to kill them.

Ben Weir, of fishing mag Angler’s Mail, said: “In all my time of working within fishing I have never heard so many concerned voices.”

Adult snakeheads can grow to 3ft long and weigh as much as 44lb.

So I guess the Brits need to start, I dunno, checking under their beds and in their closets before going to sleep? Cause if this is really "Sid Fishious," then this creature is totally going to... start shooting heroin and attacking people for delectable human meat? And play the bass really, really badly? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I think I've seen it all, but then something like this just comes along and shatters all my illusions. Gob full of razer-sharp teeth. I think I need a drink.