I like LOST. I like LOST a lot, actually. I may not like it as much as the Reds, who read theories online and stress out about them, but I still really like the show. I think it's clever and fascinating, I think the characters are so nuanced and complicated, and I love how everything ties together when you least expect it.
That being said - I don't understand the show.
I try, I really do. I pay attention to the clues, I watch the subtle hints, I re-watch episodes in the hope that I'll be ahead of the game, but just as I'm gloating and announcing that 'Sally' is totally the key to the entire show, they go and kill 'Sally' off and it turns out she was a meaningless plot device. And then I feel stupid and baffled; and that is exactly what they want. Damn you, J.J. Abrams.
So, I've decided to stop trying to figure out the mysteries of LOST. I'm just not smart enough to wrap my brain around it all, and frankly, I don't have the patience to attempt really tackling the behemoth. Instead, I want to imagine what it would be like if I were on the show. If I'd plummeted out of the sky on that fateful day, and managed to get up and walk away (all without getting sucked into the engine, like that one unfortunate bastard in the pilot.)
That being said - I don't understand the show.
I try, I really do. I pay attention to the clues, I watch the subtle hints, I re-watch episodes in the hope that I'll be ahead of the game, but just as I'm gloating and announcing that 'Sally' is totally the key to the entire show, they go and kill 'Sally' off and it turns out she was a meaningless plot device. And then I feel stupid and baffled; and that is exactly what they want. Damn you, J.J. Abrams.
So, I've decided to stop trying to figure out the mysteries of LOST. I'm just not smart enough to wrap my brain around it all, and frankly, I don't have the patience to attempt really tackling the behemoth. Instead, I want to imagine what it would be like if I were on the show. If I'd plummeted out of the sky on that fateful day, and managed to get up and walk away (all without getting sucked into the engine, like that one unfortunate bastard in the pilot.)
Day 1: So, I was totally right about planes exploding in midair, and breaking apart and flying everywhere. This is it, I'm never flying again, you fucking bastards. Although at least the vast majority of us miraculously survived. And hey, I think my huge glaring disability is cured!
Day 2: I've noticed everyone on the island is shockingly attractive. And everyone has perfect teeth. And there's already all this sexual tension between them all. I think this is going to be the best experience of my life.
Day 3: Why they fuck are there polar bears in the tropics?
Day 4: Okay, so my 'doable' list is as follows: Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Paulo, Desmond, Jin, Sun, Boone, Shannon, Juliet. This shouldn't take too long. Oh wait, maybe Sayid too. And maybe Claire, but she's a little too mousy for my tastes. And that whole "pregnant" thing is a turn off.
Day 5: Boone dead, Shannon dead. Time to update the list.
Day 6: Why do The Others let Ben rule? He's a glorified mole, a giant rodent with oddly lizard-like eyes. Suspicious. I feel like he was the ugly duckling in High School, and now wants to have some glory and respect in his life. If only things had gone differently!
Day 7: Seriously, Kate, make up your mind already, this is getting ridiculous.
Day 8: Anna Lucia dead. Break out the whiskey! But don't drive after drinking the whiskey.
Day 9: Hatch located; bizarre man pressing buttons for past three years. Luckily he's just as attractive as the rest of the cast, so we can overlook this minor mental instability. Oh hey, more new characters - sup, guys? I love how you act like you've been here all along. Oh wait, you have been? We're supposed to believe that? Goddammit.
Day 10: People I wouldn't do: Libby, Ben, 99% of The Others, Charlie, Locke (...), Mr. Eko DEFINITELY NOT
Day 11: We have a lot of toothpaste and makeup, I've noticed. Everyone's so damn clean.
Unfortunately, I don't think my take on LOST is quite as... exciting or multi-layered as the actual show. Although I would definitely introduce a lot more sex. A lot more. Seriously, we need more naked time. They're all on a goddamn island, let's see some skin already!
So here are some of my questions. I'm not intelligent enough, nor creative enough, to find the answers, so I put them out there for all of you:
1. What the fuck is up with the polar bears?
2. What the fuck is up with the smoke monster? Why did Locke see a white smoke monster, but Mr. Eko saw a black smoke monster? And why was it so lame looking?
3. Are we dealing with time travel?
4. Who're the rest of the Oceanic 6?
5. Do the flash fowards really happen, or is that just one possibility?
6. Why did they hire Michelle Rodriguez in the first place?
7. Would Libby really have let Hurley hit it?
8. Are Jack and Claire really half-siblings?
9. Who is Jack's ex-wife's new boy toy, and is he going to have any importance?
10. Can we have an episode where Paulo just walks around naked? Please?
11. Who does Kate really love - Jack or Sawyer?
12. Can I have her cast off?
The world may never know.
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