America's Next Top Out of Work Failure

It's that time again, kids! Last night was the season premiere of America's Next Top Model! (Can you believe we're already on Cycle 10? It seemed like just yesterday, Eva was winning and everyone was busy killing themselves because the girl is 5'6" and hideous. Aw, memories.)

Since Tyra's show moved from LA to NYC, I was hoping we might see a new crop of girls actually worthy to pursue a modeling career in the fashion capital of the States, but alas, Tyra & Co. are up to their old tricks. Rather than picking girls with talent and looks, they picked ugly ducklings that they hope to mold into beautiful swans. Tyra, here's a tip for you: when you have a bushel of 23+ year old girls, they ain't getting shit. Most models start out at 14; trying to turn a 24 year old into a supermodel is impossible.)

Well, let's meet the failures, and see if there's any that might have a shot at getting some work:

Aimee: Well, she does have somewhat of a high fashion face, and she is18 which at least puts her somewhat in a position to actually get some work in the future. Unfortunately she can't walk (and she hunches like she's trying to read something on the floor) but we'll see if "Miss Jay" can uh... work some magic. Or whatever the hell it is that he/she/it does.




Allison: Is it just me, or is her face off? I can't tell if she's slightly cross-eyed, or if her eyes are just too goddamn close to each other, but there is something very asymmetrical about her face. It makes me want to pick up a brick and slam her right between the eyes. At any rate, it would mean she needed plastic surgery ASAP, so it'd be a blessing.



Amy/Amis: Oh, where to start. Amy is the next "rock 'n roll!" and spent about 98% of the show yabbering away into the camera. Awesome. She's a bad ass, and if you don't believe her, well, just take a look at her pubes - she's already offered. Oh, and since there's another Aimee, this one chose... Amis. Double Awesome. Not even a "Chantal" (who's real name was Heather, but there were 2 of them) or "Whoolahay" (I already miss Dionne.) This is hella depressing.


Anya: The next Natasha! Which automatically makes me like her at least a little, because let's face it, Natasha was brilliant. In her own way. (Do you remember all of me??) However, her wonky accent isn't Russian, it's... Hawaiian? Since when do people from Hawaii sound like ESL students that spent their entire life in the outskirts of Moscow? Well, at least she has the heart. She can't walk to save her life, but she's got heart.






Atalya: I don't remember anything about her. This is either very good, or very bad.






Claire: Oh, this is fun. Claire is 24 (yes, 24) and a mother (yes, another mommy) and still breast feeding. Okay, so she's still pumping away, that's fine, but it should've been left there. But no, Ms. Environment goes right ahead and admits that she drinks her own breast milk. I wasn't sure what was more disturbing - her admitting this, or Tyra and the J(ay)s staging a scene where they all drink big glasses of delicious, frothy milk.



Dominique: Straight up, Dominique scares the crap out of me. She's ridiculously intense, and has already stated several times that she doesn't want to smile, because that's just "who she is." Well fabulous. I can't wait until some of the others (especially ~Amis~ and her endless enthusiasm) push Dominique to the point where she starts snapping necks. Seriously.



Fatima: Fatima stands out for a variety of reasons, although the one that glares out is the fact that she was circumcised when she was 7 (a result of growing up in Somalia.) It's horrifying, actually. On a lighter note, Fatima is the only one who sauntered in looking like an actual model. She has the body, face, and "it" factor, and it doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like a young Iman. All she needs is a new do' and this girl might actually make something impressive of herself.


Katarzyna: While her name baffles me, her face intrigues me. She's one of only 3 girls I can really see that could have a possible career in the future, mostly because she has that "it" factor that 99% of the other girls lack. Her face is interesting, and she has hints of Gemma and Masha in there; a nice combo of today's biggest faces. Which means Tyra will send her home first, probably.



Kimberly: Good fucking lord, this chick is retarded. She didn't realize she was supposed to pose while the photographer was ready and waiting and every other girl before her had just posed; she can't actually string together a coherent sentence; she has fluff where her brain should be. And to make matters worse, she's from Western Mass. As everyone knows, Western Mass is to Boston, as The Deep Deep Deliverance South is to New York City. For real, people. For real.



Lauren: Now Lauren is how we all know that ANTM is fucking rigged, and Tyra just wants a pet to groom and play with and call her own. Lauren is literally Frankenstein in heels (especially seeing as auditions were the first time she'd ever worn heels.) She can't even walk a straight line, never mind the catwalk, and she's greasy, unshowered, and rather stagnant. So she'll probably end up winning, of course.



Marvita: I hated Marvita last season when she made it to the final 25 or so and was cut, and I still hate her this season. The first damn thing out of her mouth both times was "I have anger management issues cause I've been molested and raped." Seriously, TMI chickie. And shut up, you're looking for attention, because you mention it every 5 minutes. You look 40, and you're hideously ugly. Get out.




Stacy-Ann: Stacy-Ann's dream in life, apparently, is not to be a top model, but to give a... lap dance. Sweetie, that's called "drinking on the weekend." At any rate, Tyra realized a kindred soul, and she, the J(ay)s, and Stacy-Ann all had one freaky lap dance menage-a-quatre. Awesome.



Whitney: Personally, I think Whitney's stunning. Our token plus sized model, she has a gorgeous face and a perfectly proportioned body, although you wouldn't be able to tell that by her pictures, as she slumps and keeps making this same goddamn retarded face. I hope she gets work, because unfortunately, the winner of the show will not be plus sized, but I still really like her.




So, here are my feelings:

- Aimee, Anya, Fatima, and Katarzyna are the only ones with high fashion faces. I think it's Katarzyna that can actually walk, though at any rate, 3 out of the 4 look like they've never even heard of high heels before. Seriously, it's like putting a dog in stilettos and watching it attempt not to kill itself. Fatima will stick around because she has a sob story and Tyra likes black girls with heart; Anya will stick around because she's hilariously dumb and we always love us our maniacs with accents; the others are pretty and fashionable, so they'll be sent home immediately.

- Claire drinks her own breast milk. Seriously. Seriously. I'm so grossed out.

- Whitney is the best plus sized model they've ever had on the show (sorry Toccara, I still love you and your fierceness, but Whitney is perfectly proportioned.) She'll never win though, because plus sized models are not supermodels. You still need to be in that size 2-4 range, but i do think Whitney could get some work anyway.

- Marvita is going to end up dead in a gutter someday. People will rejoice.

- Lauren is actually a man. Dominique is also actually a man.

- Kimberly will stick around for awhile, because they always keep the fucking retarded, obnoxious one around for awhile. Possibly for ratings, possibly because the producers of this show are obviously insane.

- "Amis" is going to drive me fucking insane.

So, that's all I have for now. Sadly it's too early in the season to actually make solid predictions, but keep tuned, faithful readers, I'll be recapping each episode as we get closer and closer to naming... America's Next Top Model. Wannabe. Whatever.