Days till Hanukkah: Today! Happy (C)han(n)uk(k)a(h)!!!
Days till Hull: 15
Days till Christmas: 19
Last night I was feeling sick and cranky and tired, so I parked my ass on Erin's couch and watched something like 4 straight hours of SciFi's original miniseries Tin Man. Loosely based on L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, it was described as a re-imagining of the story, and followed the darker lines of the book more closely than the 1939 Judy Garland extravaganza had.
Now, the original The Wizard of Oz holds a very special place in my heart. For several years I would watch the movie multiple times a day; I had my very own ruby slippers that I wore day in and day out; for awhile there, I would only reply to the name "Dorothy." To express how deeply I loved this movie, let me share a story with you. Everyone, grab some s'mores and a blanket:
Days till Christmas: 19
Last night I was feeling sick and cranky and tired, so I parked my ass on Erin's couch and watched something like 4 straight hours of SciFi's original miniseries Tin Man. Loosely based on L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, it was described as a re-imagining of the story, and followed the darker lines of the book more closely than the 1939 Judy Garland extravaganza had.
Now, the original The Wizard of Oz holds a very special place in my heart. For several years I would watch the movie multiple times a day; I had my very own ruby slippers that I wore day in and day out; for awhile there, I would only reply to the name "Dorothy." To express how deeply I loved this movie, let me share a story with you. Everyone, grab some s'mores and a blanket:
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Chelsea. She was a happy girl, almost disturbingly cute, and everyone that met her knew that someday she'd be an absolute knock out. She accompanied her beloved father one afternoon to the magical florists' shop, to help him pick out a bouquet of flowers for her equally-as-beloved mother.
Now, Chelsea had a very active imagination, and a desperate desire to shed the hardships and boredom of the typical upper-middle-class 3-year-old's life, and she dreamt of being Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. While her father employed the Jewish Haggling habits he'd picked up from her mother, and tried to bargain with the florist, Chelsea stood on her toes and peered curiously up at the man. He was large and rather hairy, and she told him so with her adorable little smile.
"Well, aren't you the cutest!" the man said, mistaking her honed evil wit for innocent childish observations. "And what's your name?"
"Dorothy," said Chelsea promptly, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Chelsea," warned her father, shaking his head. "Your name isn't Dorothy."
Chelsea leaned in to the florist conspiratorially, resting her tiny, freckled hands on the counter. "My name is Dorothy," she said, entirely serious. "This isn't my father. This is 'Uncle Henry.' I need to be taken home immediately, for I have been kidnapped away from my real home."
And then the police were called, because it was 1988 and it was the height of the child kidnapping hysteria in Boston. And Chelsea realized just how potent her word was.
Now, Chelsea had a very active imagination, and a desperate desire to shed the hardships and boredom of the typical upper-middle-class 3-year-old's life, and she dreamt of being Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. While her father employed the Jewish Haggling habits he'd picked up from her mother, and tried to bargain with the florist, Chelsea stood on her toes and peered curiously up at the man. He was large and rather hairy, and she told him so with her adorable little smile.
"Well, aren't you the cutest!" the man said, mistaking her honed evil wit for innocent childish observations. "And what's your name?"
"Dorothy," said Chelsea promptly, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Chelsea," warned her father, shaking his head. "Your name isn't Dorothy."
Chelsea leaned in to the florist conspiratorially, resting her tiny, freckled hands on the counter. "My name is Dorothy," she said, entirely serious. "This isn't my father. This is 'Uncle Henry.' I need to be taken home immediately, for I have been kidnapped away from my real home."
And then the police were called, because it was 1988 and it was the height of the child kidnapping hysteria in Boston. And Chelsea realized just how potent her word was.
As you can see, The Wizard of Oz has always been very special to me. That is why, when I watched the "re-imagining" of it last night, I had to force myself not to get on the next plane to Hollywood, and beat the everliving crap out of the creators of this utter nonsense.
Tremble at our terrible acting!Now, the cast isn't all that bad, in theory. Zooey Deschanel is borderline painfully adorable, and has been quite amusing in several movies (i.e. the insane roommate who shoots innocent, warbling birds in Failure to Launch - yes, the only good thing about that movie) and she's not a bad actress. Neil McDonough has a long and rather distinguished career, as does Alan Cumming. Hell, even Kathleen Robertson managed to pull Scary Movie 2 up somewhat. But apparently, in this particular production, they all suffered from temporary insanity and completely lost their acting abilities. Or it may have been seizures - just watch Zooey anytime she runs around, clearly she's lost all control of her bodily function and motor skills. Tragic.
Kathleen Robertson's character was supposed to be The Wicked Witch of the West equivalent, although I'm not quite sure which book or movie it was that she HAD HER MONKEYS MAGICALLY TATTOOED TO HER CHEST AND IN ORDER TO LET THEM GO FLY SHE HAD TO UNBUTTON HER C3PO-ESQUE TOP AND THRUST HER CHEST OUT SO THAT THEY MAY FLY. Perhaps it was in the sequel.
The whole background plot was that Azkadellia (Robertson) and DG (Daschanel) were princess sisters in The O.Z. - The Outer Zone of reality, not to be confused with The O.C., the outer zone of teen angst. It was an alternate reality of some sorts, that had existed as long as our planet did (they kept referring to The Ancients) but according to the plot outline, the alternate reality had only split from our own reality during World War II. So The Ancients were... what, 40 at the time? Max, if they'd split off from our own reality. Which makes no sense, since alternate reality theories are about realities where we are in them, just different (think: we'd made different choices), not realities in which no one existed in both, and there were magical creatures everywhere.
Only! Not everyone was magical. Apparently. Like Glitch (the Scarecrow equivalent) had no magical powers. Even though his brain had been taken out, and he had a giant zipper (and apparently n0 skull beneath it) on his head and was still alive and able to think. Um. Whatever.
So Azkadellia becomes evil, blah blah blah. I thought it was because she was named, you know, Azkadellia, while her sister got to just be DG, but apparently it was because The Wicked Witch (of no specified geographical region) had possessed her. Sooo. And DG was indeed named after the original Dorothy Gale, who apparently existed EONS ago, even though she was alive during WWII. I'd say "well, maybe the entire setting is WAY WAY in the future," but that makes absolutely no sense, as we saw DG in the real world in the beginning of the miniseries, and it was the present day. So, someone behind the scenes is an idiot.
Anyway, the entire plot was that Azkadellie, pissed off about her name and possessed by an evil witch and having monkeys constantly flying out of her cleavage, wanted to bring eternal darkness to the O.Z. (seriously, just bring Marissa Cooper in, she's such a downer and she totally gets your angst.) But only like, eternal night time. I guess she was going through her Black Period. So they keep stressing OVER AND OVER AGAIN how close the girls were as children, how much they loved each other, how if they only held hands, dammit! they'd survive anything (magically since they actually do have magic - or at least DG does? I don't know, don't ask me) - BUT how Azkadellia was entirely possessed by the witch, and at that point had no control over herself whatsoever.
Until the climax, of course, because all of that SET IN STONE PLOT was thrown right out the window. Yeah, cause right at the cusp of ETERNAL DARKNESS, Azkadellia was totally able to see through the witch's plot and reach out to take DG's hand. Oh boy. I guess family >>>>>>>>>> plot logicality. So whatever. There was more stuff I don't feel like talking about, and it was equally dumb.
Oh, but I do want to mention one thing. Toto was freaking adorable, but surprise! was a short, unattractive man who was a shape shifter. Now that's disappointing.
Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive The Stupid Alternate Reality of The O.Z.
Step 1: Have absolutely no acting ability whatsoever. Immediately you'll become one of the main characters, and that raises your survival odds exponentially.
Step 2: Have innocence in you. That means that, despite what the plot may claim for the first 5.5 hours of the 6 hour miniseries, at the end, you can overcome all logical odds and set-in-stone plots and triumph over evil.
Step 3: Know you have magic even if you don't. All the non-magical characters had obviously magical qualities, despite the writers clearly saying they have none whatsoever. Believe me, I know from personal experience, if you take someone's brain out and stitch it up with a zipper, they die. If you don't, you've got some iota of magical ability in you.
Step 4: If all else fails, have Flying Monkey Infested Cleavage. If you can't beat 'em, have your cleavage monkeys beat 'em. That means you get to thrust your chest out at every opportunity, so at the very least, you can get laid at the end of the day. Good enough for me!
Kathleen Robertson's character was supposed to be The Wicked Witch of the West equivalent, although I'm not quite sure which book or movie it was that she HAD HER MONKEYS MAGICALLY TATTOOED TO HER CHEST AND IN ORDER TO LET THEM GO FLY SHE HAD TO UNBUTTON HER C3PO-ESQUE TOP AND THRUST HER CHEST OUT SO THAT THEY MAY FLY. Perhaps it was in the sequel.
The whole background plot was that Azkadellia (Robertson) and DG (Daschanel) were princess sisters in The O.Z. - The Outer Zone of reality, not to be confused with The O.C., the outer zone of teen angst. It was an alternate reality of some sorts, that had existed as long as our planet did (they kept referring to The Ancients) but according to the plot outline, the alternate reality had only split from our own reality during World War II. So The Ancients were... what, 40 at the time? Max, if they'd split off from our own reality. Which makes no sense, since alternate reality theories are about realities where we are in them, just different (think: we'd made different choices), not realities in which no one existed in both, and there were magical creatures everywhere.
Only! Not everyone was magical. Apparently. Like Glitch (the Scarecrow equivalent) had no magical powers. Even though his brain had been taken out, and he had a giant zipper (and apparently n0 skull beneath it) on his head and was still alive and able to think. Um. Whatever.
So Azkadellia becomes evil, blah blah blah. I thought it was because she was named, you know, Azkadellia, while her sister got to just be DG, but apparently it was because The Wicked Witch (of no specified geographical region) had possessed her. Sooo. And DG was indeed named after the original Dorothy Gale, who apparently existed EONS ago, even though she was alive during WWII. I'd say "well, maybe the entire setting is WAY WAY in the future," but that makes absolutely no sense, as we saw DG in the real world in the beginning of the miniseries, and it was the present day. So, someone behind the scenes is an idiot.
Anyway, the entire plot was that Azkadellie, pissed off about her name and possessed by an evil witch and having monkeys constantly flying out of her cleavage, wanted to bring eternal darkness to the O.Z. (seriously, just bring Marissa Cooper in, she's such a downer and she totally gets your angst.) But only like, eternal night time. I guess she was going through her Black Period. So they keep stressing OVER AND OVER AGAIN how close the girls were as children, how much they loved each other, how if they only held hands, dammit! they'd survive anything (magically since they actually do have magic - or at least DG does? I don't know, don't ask me) - BUT how Azkadellia was entirely possessed by the witch, and at that point had no control over herself whatsoever.
Until the climax, of course, because all of that SET IN STONE PLOT was thrown right out the window. Yeah, cause right at the cusp of ETERNAL DARKNESS, Azkadellia was totally able to see through the witch's plot and reach out to take DG's hand. Oh boy. I guess family >>>>>>>>>> plot logicality. So whatever. There was more stuff I don't feel like talking about, and it was equally dumb.
Oh, but I do want to mention one thing. Toto was freaking adorable, but surprise! was a short, unattractive man who was a shape shifter. Now that's disappointing.
Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive The Stupid Alternate Reality of The O.Z.
Step 1: Have absolutely no acting ability whatsoever. Immediately you'll become one of the main characters, and that raises your survival odds exponentially.
Step 2: Have innocence in you. That means that, despite what the plot may claim for the first 5.5 hours of the 6 hour miniseries, at the end, you can overcome all logical odds and set-in-stone plots and triumph over evil.
Step 3: Know you have magic even if you don't. All the non-magical characters had obviously magical qualities, despite the writers clearly saying they have none whatsoever. Believe me, I know from personal experience, if you take someone's brain out and stitch it up with a zipper, they die. If you don't, you've got some iota of magical ability in you.
Step 4: If all else fails, have Flying Monkey Infested Cleavage. If you can't beat 'em, have your cleavage monkeys beat 'em. That means you get to thrust your chest out at every opportunity, so at the very least, you can get laid at the end of the day. Good enough for me!
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