The Highs and Lows of the Reality TV Fashion World

Days till Hull: 14

Days till Christmas: 18

Last night's Fashion TV Night was quite an interesting experience. First, let's discuss the definite High of the night:

Hell Beast Bianca was Booted The Fuck Off ANTM

Thank. Fucking. God.

Bianca is not only hideous ugly, she's hideously bitchy, and every time she showed her gnarly face on tv, bitching about whatever it was that got her panties in a twist this time, I had to resist the urge to punch the tv.

What happens when your parents are siblings

Bianca doesn't have a single High Fashion bone in her entire body. She doesn't even have that awkward "High Fashion Ugly" look that Jenah has. The girl is just trashtastic and ugly as all hale. She couldn't walk (she looked like an 18-wheeler barreling down the runway at you), she couldn't pose (even Tyra said she looked like a man), she couldn't act (her commercials were like nails on a chalk board), and she couldn't form a single coherent thought (just watch any of this season's episodes.)

I was really worried they were going to send Jenah home, especially when she gave her "swan song" (thank you, Tyra) and whined about being homesick and wah wah wah. People are so stupid - it's not like modeling is a mystery. You need to stay thin, stay pretty, keep your health up, and - surprise! - travel constantly. You can't exactly work while living in Bumfuck Midwest USA. This is common knowledge, people. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the reality tv show.

I really, really hope it's Battle of the Blonds Part II for the final 2 this year, although I'm nervous about Saleisha sending one of the blonds home. Neither Jenah nor Chantal are Stam-worthy, but they're a hell of a lot better than Saleisha, who looks like a 14 year old Beatle enthusiast. All the judges were crowing about her picture this week, and while her body looked fab, her face (as always) looked like a disfigured male burn victim. No matter what they say about "omg bubbly personality!" high fashion is not about personalities, it's about appearance and strength both on the runway, and in front of the camera. Saleisha has none of those positive attributes.

Speaking of big fucking mistakes, we now come to the definite low of the night:

Ricky Beat Chris in the Bottom 2 to Stay on Project Runway

You have got to be kidding me.

I know, that's what you all screamed last night when Heidi and Co. had some kind of mass insanity moment and booted Chris off. I have no idea how this even happened, although I'm beginning to think that Donna Karen actually is Satan, and used her intense powers of evil and "OMG she looks like that?!" to overthrow the normally sane judges' intuition.

I swear to fucking god she looks like this (only she was about 30 pounds heavier on PR last night) - and yes, her face does appear to be melting right off the bone

Chris has had consistently good outfits, and he's such a damn sweetheart (not to mention ridiculously amusing.) He's been kind, outgoing, and hardworking, while Ricky has been nothing but one gigantic mess. All of his clothes are beyond poorly constructed, his ideas are bland and boring, and the man can't even work his "forte" - he's supposed to be a lingerie designer, yet when given a challenge working with underwear as outerwear, his creations are so hideous that I totally could've made them. And I once sewed my hand to a sock puppet.

Ricky, may you be doomed to a life of hell and misery. Preferably wearing your pathetically constructed, hideously ugly garments.


Donna Karen and her horrific face declared that Chris was obviously a terrible Challenge Leader, because his collection wasn't cohesive. Um... the collection all had the same color scheme, the same feel to it, and obviously was pulled together. Sure, his jacket wasn't too fabulous, but he had to work with shoulder pads. For reals. Ricky's team obviously fought constantly, and the judges were well aware that he had no control whatsoever over the team and their designs. All of the outfits on their team were hideous, and his was practically held together with duct tape and pins. Actually, now that I think about it...

All I know, is that Chris was cheated, and Donna Karen is now on my Enemies List. Good luck, Donna Karen. You don't even want to know what happened to the people that were on my list before you.


Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Defend Yourself Against Donna Karen

Step 1: Try traditional methods. Hang garlic bulbs and crosses across any doors and windows leading to your house/dorm/apartment/cardboard box. This tends to keep the walking dead out.

Step 2: Go for the water bucket. On most evil witches, it reduces them to a smoking puddle of gooey-ness. Extra points if she shrieks "What a world! What a world!"

Step 3: Temptation. Dangle anything in her face that may divert her attention off of you: cloven hooves (she'd been looking for those!), the blood of the innocent, weak fashion designers, succulent babies, etc.

Step 4: Drastic measures. If all else fails, you've got to go in for the kill. The only known methods of destroying Donna Karen are: a stake to the heart, decapitation, a silver bullet, or a heaping of Ricky's clothing. Preferably the violently neon one from this week's episode.