America's Next Top PETA Target

Days till Surgery: 18
Days till Old Age: 26

We've seen a lot of crazy photo shoots on ANTM, there's no denying that. There was the model suicide shoot, the smoking effects shoot, the "controversial political issue" shoot, and so on and so forth. But this week, Tyra thought she'd outdo herself by draping the girls in meet, ruining a plethora of potential meals, and exposing va jay jays everywhere to the tastiness that is E Coli. Mmm, where to begin!

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. There were so many highlights before we got to the girls dressing in dead animal carcasses, and it would be a disservice to myself and all my readers if I didn't go into those issues first. So, let's see... we had the girls screaming over everything once again; we had the girls shrieking out the Tyra mail messages again; we had Fatima being a bitch again; we had Amis being a fucking moron again; we had Lauren prove that she's entirely incapable of putting one foot in front of the other again; and we had Dominique prove to the world that she's really a male-to-female transsexual. Again. Seriously, what the fuck Dominique! When people can't tell your gender, at least do something with your hair so they can sort of tell you're supposed to be a female! Is that really too trying??

Okay so, moving on!

Here are the girls' pictures, complete with my very own sassy commentary:

Aimee:

Well... she's not great, but she's not terrible. She's still definitely one of the best looking girls, and she has potential (her walk isn't all that bad) but she needs to bring it up a notch. She's just sort of... there. This picture is whatever. I mean, it didn't land her in the bottom two, but it sure got her close to it. I still think the red hair was a terrible choice - maybe she'd feel better if her head didn't constantly look like it was on fire. Just sayin'.

Claire:

Okay, I don't understand why the fuck Claire is the Cover Model of the Week every damn week! Last cycle Heather was CMoW because she was awesome and everyone lived her. Claire is... well, she's not Dominique and she's not Fatima, so automatically she's okay, but there's nothing special about her. She doesn't do anything that endears us to her. Sure, this picture's pretty good, but that's about all she's got.

Dominique:

Ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH!!! What the fuck, girl? (Girl?) Every single fucking time Dominique went face-to-face with the camera, it was like she was intent on confounding ever viewer. Am I a woman? Or a man? You'll never know! It's called makeup and a hairbrush, even the J(ay)s get it, for fuck's sake. She's just so hideously offensive looking, I can't get over it. And why do the judges insist on picking poses where her leg cellulite and flab are showing? Stop highlighting it! If you want to focus on something, focus on trying to get her to prove she's a woman!

Katarzyna:

Thank god for her. She's beautiful and capable, she won the runway challenge (she's mastered the art of "walking," even if it was a little too quickly) and she can actually pose. I don't understand why the judges keep insisting she looks like a Russian hooker (okay the shoot last week was a little mail order bride-ish, but she was in lingerie and the photographer kept making her pose that way!) but at least they called her out third this week. Lord only knows she should've already gone home by now, given that she's attractive and capable.

Lauren:

Oh, Lauren. I don't know what to do with you. You take fierce pictures, okay? I'll give you that. But you're the most awkward thing I've ever seen in my entire life. At least Heather last cycle could walk. Her idea of walking is to hurry (nearly sprint) down the runway, then turn and dash away just as quickly. Don't you dare get offended with Jaslene "The Chin" Gonzalez asks if you really want to be there - you looked like you were running away from your very worst nightmare. Or maybe Dominique first thing in the morning.

Marvita:

Marvita is the perfect example of why ANTM is absolutely pointless, and why the girls never get any work. Marvita is a joke - she's ugly, she's manly, she can't pose and she can't walk - yet the judges continuously praise her and claim they see real model potential. What? Last time I checked, models weren't based off of horses. Coat hangers, sure, but at least they have a certain "whimsy something" to them. Marvita looks like a crotchety old hose with teeth issues, that should've been put out to pasture ages ago.

Stacy Ann:

Try as I might, I just can't take Stacy Ann seriously. Be it her lap dances, her butt shakes, her squeaky cartoon voice, or the fact that she looks like an ostrich on speed, this girl is just one walking cartoon character. She makes no sense, she's obnoxious, and she's not even remotely model material. Which means that she'll probably end up in the top two at the end of the cycle.

Whitney:

Girl, I love you something fierce! Whitney is beautiful and fabulous, and it makes me so damn happy that she's doing so well in this cycle. She has talent both on the runway (boob falling out aside) and in the shoots, and she's confident and strong without being arrogant. And she stands up for the other girls when Dominique and Marvita & Co. go on the attack. I can't wait to see her beat some serious bitch ass next week! Hopefully she'll end up "accidentally" snapping Fatima in two as well.


And now we move onto the this week's Winner, and this week's Bottom 1.5. You'll see.

Winner: Anya

Okay, this is a fabulous picture, I must admit. Anya has a great body, and she has a very high fashion look right here. She does photograph well, you have to give her that much. She knows what to do with her body in shoots, and she works it well. Her walk is pretty bad, but so is everyone else's, so for now we can overlook that. But in person, it's another story entirely. Why does the Hawaiian girl have a Russian accent? And why hasn't she fixed those monstrous eyebrows? She needs to get herself together, stat.

Bottom Two: Fatima

As usual, Fatima spent the entire hour bitching, complaining, and making fun of everyone around her. Now, some people can do this and it's hilarious (see: Dionne) but that's because she had a heart and was sweet too. Fatima is just an angry, angry bitch. And this week she sucked royally. Her walk was awkward as all, and what the fuck is this picture? She looks like her legs got stuck in concrete, and she's halfheartedly attempting to swivel free. And the face? When the photographers constantly tell you to CHANGE YOUR EXPRESSION, you do! It's for a reason!

Bottom Two (Went Home): Amis

The CW Website doesn't even have Amis' picture up right now. That's probably because it's so horrible it's literally painful. Amis was (as usual) a fucking maniac this episode, showed the world that she doesn't brush her hair, and then tried to play it off like she was just nervous. No, you skipping maniac, you're not nervous, you're an idiot. And a pathetic one, at that. Thank god she's gone - and hopefully, Fatima will be next.