Vapidity and the City

I first bought the book 4 Blondes last March, in a book store at Dulles Airport while a friend and I were stocking up on reading materials for our flight to Hawaii. As an avid fan of Sex and the City, as well as an avid reader, I thought it was rather strange that I had never actually read one of Candace Bushnell's books, seeing as it was her column and her stories that had been the inspiration for Carrie & Co.

Fast forward to January 2008; I'm bored and hanging out in my apartment, and while I'm putting some books away, I spot 4 Blondes on the shelf. I thought it was rather strange that even after buying said book, I'd still actually never read it (I'd first been too caught up in a book about dinosaurs!!! then I'd been too caught up trying to seduce a guy on the plane with my smoky, half-lidded eyes trick.)

Figuring it was the best way to spend a lazy Sunday, I cracked open the book and began to read.

What I promptly learned is this: Candace Bushnell should be shot. In the face. Repeatedly.

Now, before I explain why Candace Bushnell needs to be stopped, let me show you something. Here are two lists: one list naming qualities I've seen in various women, and another list naming qualities I've been in various men.

Women: Strength, intelligence, wit, tenacity, vivaciousness, jealousy, curiosity, vapidity, ruthlessness, greed, kindness, the ability to love, the ability to care, the desire to squash all of their rivals, stupidity, lack of social cues, tact, grace, poor decision making, good decision making, a disregard for social norms, a strong regard for social norms, adaptability, rigidness, etc.

Men: Strength, intelligence, wit, tenacity, vivaciousness, jealousy, curiosity, vapidity, ruthlessness, greed, kindness, the ability to love, the ability to care, the desire to squash all of their rivals, stupidity, lack of social cues, tact, grace, poor decision making, good decision making, a disregard for social norms, a strong regard for social norms, adaptability, rigidness, etc.

Unless you're a moron, you've realized by now that the lists are exactly the same, and this is because both men and women exhibit any combination of those personality traits. For every airhead, there's a scholar; for every jealous maniac, there's a caring, trusting individual; for every commitment-phobe, there's a nurturing parent. And this goes for both sexes. Sure, there are stereotypes running around all over the place, but in this day and age, we've realized that people don't always fit neatly into a mold. Variety is the spice of life, and all that.

Unless you're Candace Bushnell.

Because apparently you suffer from mental retardation

Bushnell not only manages to set the women's movement back 10,000,000 years, she also manages to push men right back into their prior "cave man" status. She takes any individuality, any depth, and any emotion that a normal human being feels, and throws it away, forcing everyone - man or woman - into a horrifically tacky, one-dimensional mold. Her characters are so shockingly stupid, vain, shallow, and flat, that I can't understand why anyone on earth would willingly pay money to read her books. I'm ashamed that I did, really.

The book 4 Blondes is broken up into four stories, about a model, a writer, a socialite, and a columnist, because if you're not aware, everyone in New York is either a shockingly attractive woman who only uses her looks for advancement purposes, or she's an obnoxious writer who supports herself with her own pomposity and self-idolizing. The book is supposed to tell the stories of four women, each of whom are at a turning point in their lives. If you've watched Sex and the City, you assume there's depth, emotion, and a real life-altering realization that the characters make. Once you read this book, however, you realize that the producers of SatC obviously only took the bare bones of Bushnell's work, because the book is the exact opposite.

Here's a breakdown:

Story 1 - The Model. Janey is a model who's obsessed with spending every summer in the Hamptons. She spends every summer with a different man, spending all his money, not paying rent, and driving his expensive car around. She has no actual friends, and all familial ties are strained and lack love. She's depressed, shallow, flat, and boring. She regularly has affairs with married men. The Men in Her Life: All the guys she fucks think men only want to "spread their seed." She has lots of butt sex with an ugly dude. Sex means nothing. All the men think men are superior to women. They're also all completely insane and unstable. Her Turning Point: She gets a Victoria's Secret deal worth 2 million, buys her own house in the Hamptons (which is impossible, considering 2 million is nothing for the Hamptons) and is given a car. The Outcome: She's still alone, has no friends, has no one to love her, hasn't grown, hasn't developed - but she has a heated pool. She likes cocaine.

Story 2 - The Writer. Winnie is a bulimic, horrifically dominating wife who not only hates herself, but hates her husband, and can't be bothered to give a crap about her child. She thinks everyone else is stupid and worthless, and she hates slutty women. She has no real friends, and hates her family. She belittles her husband constantly and despises everything about him. She hates sluts but freaks out about her weight, turns into a huge slut around other men, and has an affair with her husband's best friend. The Men in Her Life: Her husband hates himself and her. She has an affair with a man who wants to "spread his seed." All the other men hate their wives and feel emasculated. Her Turning Point: She gets a job that pays $500,000 a year. With stock options. The Outcome: She's still bulimic, she intends to keep cheating, she's gleeful that she's ripped her husband's masculinity to shreds. Also, her husband is still a massive pussy who enjoys cocaine.

Story 3 - The Socialite. Princess Cecelia is a socialite who rose from nothing, which automatically means we've stepped into an alternate universe, as socialites are always from horrifically hoity-toity backgrounds (or are at least loaded) and are never poor bumpkins who get a leg up in life. Sorry, kids. Princess Cecelia is also completely insane, and constantly loaded on Xanax and downers, or going insane on cocaine. Her only friend is an insane woman who killed her husband, and they're not actually friends. She's alone and hates herself. The Men in Her Life: She has a "loving husband" but he has lots of affairs, has no emotional depth, and doesn't seem to give a shit about her. Other guys want to bang her, or to use her status to elevate themselves. Her Turning Point: She decides to get off Xanax, and get back on Page Six. The Outcome: Her husband still cheats, she's still miserable, she's drunk and on cocaine all the time, she still has no friends, she's still a paranoid schizophrenic, and everyone hates themselves.

Story 4 - The Columnist. I don't even know if we get this chick's name, but I think it's supposed to be based on Bushnell herself. The woman thinks no one in New York can actually be in a relationship, so she's booted off to London to talk about love there. If you didn't know, all Englishwomen are really ugly, so even an "average" American over there is guaranteed love, sex, and adoration from all men. The Men in Her Life. Every man in England has a tiny dick, is terrible in bed, and willingly (and constantly talks about it.) All men want to "spread their seed." Every man hates his wife or girlfriend. The Turning Point. I don't know. I don't get it. She kind of likes a dude who has a tiny dick. I don't get it. The Outcome. She meets an Englishman on the plane who is attractive and I suppose has a good sized dick. I dunno.

So.

So.

Here we are.

In Bushnell's universe, all women are shallow, self-hating monsters that care only about money, drugs, and sex. Emotions are non-existent, friendships are non-existent, and nothing actually matters in life. Family means nothing, children mean nothing, and everyone hates themselves. Men are chauvinistic pigs, and there's not a single one on the planet that actually cares about women, or is capable of settling down with one. Everyone is lost in their own misery, and completely unable to connect with other human beings.

Now, you might wonder why I'm so pissed off about this. I support one night stands, I support being happily single, I support women getting what they want. But this! This book is a depressing, horrifying world of pain, misery, and the art of 'going through the motions.' No one grows, no one makes real connections, and no one does anything to better their situations. Bushnell apparently is a robot without any feelings or emotions, and is content to let everyone think that any woman is blond, miserable, shallow, and ridiculously stupid. Every woman is either gorgeous, or has an eating disorder in order to make herself gorgeous, even though this beauty is literally only skin deep. Even the "intelligent" women are shockingly stupid.

Reading this book, I had to fight the constant urge to kill myself. It was so depressing and so awful that I couldn't believe I was willingly reading. I suppose it was like a car crash, and I was that obnoxious motorist that has to drive sloooowly on by, holding up traffic because I just can't help myself - I need to see the burning wreckage.

Now, a part of me has this sick, twisted desire to read Sex and the City, if only to see if A) Bushnell used to not be a complete fucking idiot, and B) to see just how different the TV show and the book really are. I've read a million times - in blatantly stated warnings - that the show is only LOOSELY BASED on the book. The gist is that the producers took the idea of Bushnell actually being a socialite and writing her own weekly sex column, and building a show around that. I think if they actually based the show on the books, they never would've had a hit.

In fact, people probably would've killed them. Immediately.


Your Survival Technique Of The Day:
How to Survive a Candace Bushnell Book

Step 1: Put. The book. Down. Throw it, shove it in a drawer, set fire to it, whatever. The important thing is, get the hell away from the book as quickly as you can.

Step 2: Morality lesson. Pretend like the book is an allegory for the evils of shallowness and emotional detachment. Pretend like Bushnell has the capacity for actually creating something like that, and as you read, tell yourself (repeatedly) that this is just a showcase of what can happen when people lose touch with reality, and become completely one-dimensional.

Step 3: Watch Sex and the City on repeat. Sure, they have their shallow moments, but the characters are real women, and they actually grow and love and have friendships and are happy. This may make up for the mess Bushnell created.

Step 4: Hunt Bushnell down. Now.