Get your minds out of the gutter, I wasn't implying that (unless you're interested?) - I was talking about The Season Finale of America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, in which Jenah, Chantal, and Saleisha faced off in an effort to prove to viewers once and for all that ANTM is a commercial product, rather than an actual modeling world stepping stone.
crappy quality picture for a crappy quality finaleI seriously am just baffled by the entire thing. They started the night off with those GOD AWFUL Cover Girl commercials (proving that none of the three can actually act) and showed that Saleisha is not only hideously tacky, but freaks out at the drop of a hat. What the hell was that crying nonsense, S? Did you really need time to sit and think about your character? You were selling Cover Girl Lip Gloss. I just thought it was fabulous that on the commercial break, they showed a Cover Girl commercial with Drew Barrymore, and it was like acting was as natural as breathing for her; definitely showed you how awful the ANTM girls really were.
Moving on, they indulged themselves in a photo shoot to accompany the commercial, and Jenah's stood out by far - that weave may be tragic, and sometimes she may resemble a horse...
...but the girl takes a FABULOUS picture, and she can walk the runway like a pro. Chantal's was so-so, but her acting was the best, and Saleisha, once again, turned out a crappy product all around.
Which leads us to Voting #1. Tyra whines about how hard all of this is for her (yes, Tyra, let it all out), Miss J's afro contains all the bodies of the former contestants, and you can see the manic, desperate glint in Twiggy's eye - her contract is almost up, and she's gonna run screaming out of there the minute the winner is finally announced.
The judges debate; Saleisha's definite lack of high fashion appeal is discussed (the girl is a commercial model people - say it with me - commercial) and we focus on how the blonds are much more high fashion; Chantal is called first (okay, so she definitely had the best commercial, and her picture wasn't too awful); the tense atmosphere threatens to suffocate us all as Saleisha and Jenah square off; Tyra says Jenah, your pictures rival those of today's top models; Jenah goes home.
Okay, so let's take a moment to think about this. The judges JUST SAID that Saleisha wasn't high fashion enough. Tyra JUST SAID that Jenah is not only high fashion, but her pictures are right up there alongside today's top high fashion supermodels; and they send Jenah home and keep Saleisha. On what planet does that make sense? That's right, on no planet. Tyra's off in her own world of insanity, and clearly thinks that on a modeling show where they're searching for the next high fashion supermodel, they should send home the only one with high fashion potential and keep the hideously commercial girl instead.
Alrighty then.
So we move onto the Grand Finale, with Saleisha and Chantal stomping down the runway in an effort to bring home the title. The runway show, for me, is always an iffy thing because more often than not, the girl that does a better job is booted off. Anyone remember Cycle 8, where CariDee made a complete ass of herself and looked like a fucking moron, while Melrose did a fabulous job - and they picked CariDee? Right.
So I have to hand it to her, Saleisha has a pretty good walk. If only they could lop her face off and give her a high fashion face, maybe we'd be going places. Chantal's walk admittedly wasn't as good, but she has potential, and she looked the high model part. Not to be *~controversial~* but Saleisha is a little thicker 'round the middle than most high fashion models, while Chantal has that tall, thin, graceful body that designers demand. And she's come a long way over the course of the show. Of course she did accidentally nearly kill that poor Chinese man, but who the fuck has little people on stilts on a runway, where models are constantly stomping by, and the dresses are all super long with super long tails? Tyra, you crazy bitch.
In the end, of course, they picked Saleisha, which literally proves that ANTM is solely about the ratings and about "a personal journey," rather than a show about real skill, real high fashion potential, and actual modeling world happenings. Although they still won't put a plus sized girl into the final 4 (or 5, or 6) so maybe it's not entirely about "inner" beauty.
Saleisha's first professional photo shoot
Moving on, they indulged themselves in a photo shoot to accompany the commercial, and Jenah's stood out by far - that weave may be tragic, and sometimes she may resemble a horse...
...but the girl takes a FABULOUS picture, and she can walk the runway like a pro. Chantal's was so-so, but her acting was the best, and Saleisha, once again, turned out a crappy product all around.
Which leads us to Voting #1. Tyra whines about how hard all of this is for her (yes, Tyra, let it all out), Miss J's afro contains all the bodies of the former contestants, and you can see the manic, desperate glint in Twiggy's eye - her contract is almost up, and she's gonna run screaming out of there the minute the winner is finally announced.
The judges debate; Saleisha's definite lack of high fashion appeal is discussed (the girl is a commercial model people - say it with me - commercial) and we focus on how the blonds are much more high fashion; Chantal is called first (okay, so she definitely had the best commercial, and her picture wasn't too awful); the tense atmosphere threatens to suffocate us all as Saleisha and Jenah square off; Tyra says Jenah, your pictures rival those of today's top models; Jenah goes home.
Okay, so let's take a moment to think about this. The judges JUST SAID that Saleisha wasn't high fashion enough. Tyra JUST SAID that Jenah is not only high fashion, but her pictures are right up there alongside today's top high fashion supermodels; and they send Jenah home and keep Saleisha. On what planet does that make sense? That's right, on no planet. Tyra's off in her own world of insanity, and clearly thinks that on a modeling show where they're searching for the next high fashion supermodel, they should send home the only one with high fashion potential and keep the hideously commercial girl instead.
Alrighty then.
So we move onto the Grand Finale, with Saleisha and Chantal stomping down the runway in an effort to bring home the title. The runway show, for me, is always an iffy thing because more often than not, the girl that does a better job is booted off. Anyone remember Cycle 8, where CariDee made a complete ass of herself and looked like a fucking moron, while Melrose did a fabulous job - and they picked CariDee? Right.
So I have to hand it to her, Saleisha has a pretty good walk. If only they could lop her face off and give her a high fashion face, maybe we'd be going places. Chantal's walk admittedly wasn't as good, but she has potential, and she looked the high model part. Not to be *~controversial~* but Saleisha is a little thicker 'round the middle than most high fashion models, while Chantal has that tall, thin, graceful body that designers demand. And she's come a long way over the course of the show. Of course she did accidentally nearly kill that poor Chinese man, but who the fuck has little people on stilts on a runway, where models are constantly stomping by, and the dresses are all super long with super long tails? Tyra, you crazy bitch.
In the end, of course, they picked Saleisha, which literally proves that ANTM is solely about the ratings and about "a personal journey," rather than a show about real skill, real high fashion potential, and actual modeling world happenings. Although they still won't put a plus sized girl into the final 4 (or 5, or 6) so maybe it's not entirely about "inner" beauty.
Saleisha's first professional photo shoot
Um.
But! While we were bemoaning the loss of ANTM (until next fall, that is, as the show airs twice a year), we found the PERFECT temporary fix - Crowned. It wasn't until I watched 5 minutes of this show that I realized TV can lower your IQ so horrifically that your brain actually leaks right out of your ears. The premise behind the show is that a bunch of pathetic, unattractive girls (think Saleisha + 50 pounds) team up with their haggard, youth-craving mothers to compete against a sea of other fat southern slobs for the CROWN! I don't know what actually goes along with winning, as I was too busy trying to claw out my own eyeballs so I wouldn't have to watch anymore of it.
I was just going to pick out a few gems, but I think it's really worth it to go over the entire cast of the show. Rest assured, your Thursday Updates from now on will cover the Crowned! Journey, while we all sit and wait and plead for ANTM to come back on and save us - who would've though that ANTM would be the smar t alternative?
In which we realized it is indeed possible for someone's head to be almost three times the size of a normal person's head - the daughter actually looked worse than the mother. Sexy!
Another case of "I Don't Get It" - they sang about being Diamond Dolls, how all they loved to do was shop, own diamonds, and live the glitzy life, and then couldn't figure out why the judges called them superficial. Or maybe the didn't know what the word meant.
Hot and Not For some reason my computer won't upload their picture. I think it's for the best - the mother's hotter, the daughter's a beastly freak, and they seem to think "Hot and Not" implies that they're only "Hot" and not "Not" despite, you know, the name.
Booted! The first to be kicked off (their speech was so boring I nearly cried) - but in a "Twist!" they made the Blonde Bombshells think they were out... but then revealed they needed to cut the A's sashes with a giant, bedazzled pair of scissors. I wish I was kidding.
I don't remember who they were. On a show where everyone's a psycho freak, that's probably not a good thing. Maybe they were the ones getting berated for "you're mother and daughter, not sisters." God, mom, stop trying to relive your glory days!
The best thing about this team is that they seriously thought "skin deep" meant they were beautiful beneath the surface. No, "skin deep" implies you're superficial and have no depth. Next time, use a dictionary.
And now we move onto my absolute favorites - the best and the worst!
It's kind of hard not to like this pair, if only because the mother resembles the hideous offspring of Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia (complete with pigtail buns.) They're so hideous and so awkward that you kind of want them to survive. Kind of.
The BEST part of this is that the girl was crowing about how intelligent her mother was, and how her mother had a PhD and everything - and yet they chose Silent but Deadly. And didn't realize that rather than sounding like chic, intelligent, modern women, they sounded like a gaseous output.
Okay, I have to admit - I really like this mother-daughter duo. They were genuinely nice, obviously really loved each other, and were aware that they were not sisters, but a mother and daughter team. They were the only normal ones, and one of only two teams to perform well - they just had fun with it. And, they were this episode's winners!
And now we come to the most hilariously horrifying reality contestants in TV history. The daughter resembles a soul-sucking demon (wait, did I say "resembles?" I mean is a soul-sucking demon) whose only purpose in life is to unleash her evil and wreak havoc on the world. Also: she's an opera singer. Yeah, you just try convincing me she's not a hell beast. Her mouth is so huge she could easily devour the judges, and her personality is like Christian from Project Runway, if Christian was a speed fiend who ALWAYS SCREAMED ALL OF HIS WORDS JUST LIKE THIS. She also weighs about 2 pounds, her rib cage is jutting out and just begging to slice open the throats of the other contestants, and her eyes are so wild and rolling that I'm amazed she's not careening into things and constantly toppling over. Oh, and her mother is a hag who seems to think her fiendish spawn is actually talented and attractive. I know these two will stay on just for ratings, and while I'm frightened, it's a good thing - if she wasn't on TV, god only knows the daughter would be crawling out from under my bed in the middle of the night and attempting to destroy my soul.
And yet only one of them is unable to create a stunning garment - yes, I'm talking about you, Laura
But! While we were bemoaning the loss of ANTM (until next fall, that is, as the show airs twice a year), we found the PERFECT temporary fix - Crowned. It wasn't until I watched 5 minutes of this show that I realized TV can lower your IQ so horrifically that your brain actually leaks right out of your ears. The premise behind the show is that a bunch of pathetic, unattractive girls (think Saleisha + 50 pounds) team up with their haggard, youth-craving mothers to compete against a sea of other fat southern slobs for the CROWN! I don't know what actually goes along with winning, as I was too busy trying to claw out my own eyeballs so I wouldn't have to watch anymore of it.
I was just going to pick out a few gems, but I think it's really worth it to go over the entire cast of the show. Rest assured, your Thursday Updates from now on will cover the Crowned! Journey, while we all sit and wait and plead for ANTM to come back on and save us - who would've though that ANTM would be the smar t alternative?
The first case of "Who the Fuck is the Mother" Syndrome - they didn't seem to understand that "blonde bombshells" implied womanly curves and an empty skull
In which we realized it is indeed possible for someone's head to be almost three times the size of a normal person's head - the daughter actually looked worse than the mother. Sexy!
Another case of "I Don't Get It" - they sang about being Diamond Dolls, how all they loved to do was shop, own diamonds, and live the glitzy life, and then couldn't figure out why the judges called them superficial. Or maybe the didn't know what the word meant.Hot and Not For some reason my computer won't upload their picture. I think it's for the best - the mother's hotter, the daughter's a beastly freak, and they seem to think "Hot and Not" implies that they're only "Hot" and not "Not" despite, you know, the name.
Booted! The first to be kicked off (their speech was so boring I nearly cried) - but in a "Twist!" they made the Blonde Bombshells think they were out... but then revealed they needed to cut the A's sashes with a giant, bedazzled pair of scissors. I wish I was kidding.
I don't remember who they were. On a show where everyone's a psycho freak, that's probably not a good thing. Maybe they were the ones getting berated for "you're mother and daughter, not sisters." God, mom, stop trying to relive your glory days!
The best thing about this team is that they seriously thought "skin deep" meant they were beautiful beneath the surface. No, "skin deep" implies you're superficial and have no depth. Next time, use a dictionary.And now we move onto my absolute favorites - the best and the worst!
It's kind of hard not to like this pair, if only because the mother resembles the hideous offspring of Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia (complete with pigtail buns.) They're so hideous and so awkward that you kind of want them to survive. Kind of.
The BEST part of this is that the girl was crowing about how intelligent her mother was, and how her mother had a PhD and everything - and yet they chose Silent but Deadly. And didn't realize that rather than sounding like chic, intelligent, modern women, they sounded like a gaseous output.
Okay, I have to admit - I really like this mother-daughter duo. They were genuinely nice, obviously really loved each other, and were aware that they were not sisters, but a mother and daughter team. They were the only normal ones, and one of only two teams to perform well - they just had fun with it. And, they were this episode's winners!
And now we come to the most hilariously horrifying reality contestants in TV history. The daughter resembles a soul-sucking demon (wait, did I say "resembles?" I mean is a soul-sucking demon) whose only purpose in life is to unleash her evil and wreak havoc on the world. Also: she's an opera singer. Yeah, you just try convincing me she's not a hell beast. Her mouth is so huge she could easily devour the judges, and her personality is like Christian from Project Runway, if Christian was a speed fiend who ALWAYS SCREAMED ALL OF HIS WORDS JUST LIKE THIS. She also weighs about 2 pounds, her rib cage is jutting out and just begging to slice open the throats of the other contestants, and her eyes are so wild and rolling that I'm amazed she's not careening into things and constantly toppling over. Oh, and her mother is a hag who seems to think her fiendish spawn is actually talented and attractive. I know these two will stay on just for ratings, and while I'm frightened, it's a good thing - if she wasn't on TV, god only knows the daughter would be crawling out from under my bed in the middle of the night and attempting to destroy my soul.
And yet only one of them is unable to create a stunning garment - yes, I'm talking about you, LauraSpeaking of Christian and tiny people with speed problems, last night's Project Runway was a barrel full of awesome insanity. The designers had to create clothing for "the normal woman" - only these women had all lost somewhere between 40 and 140 pounds (seriously, they lost a me) - and the clothes had to be made from the material from their now ridiculously over-sized garments. Christian ended up winning the challenge, with a fabulous black t-shirt blazer that I totally would buy if I had any money; Kevin aka Joey Fatone also had a fabulous shirt, and my girl Jillian (and my adorable Sweet P) also came up with some great outfits.
On the other hand, there was the cake-tiered monstrosity that Elisa designed (although at least she didn't spit on the garment or client) and the "what the FUCK was he thinking" Pilgrim-inspired disaster that Steve aka Slingblade created. First of all, this:
Prude French Maid Pilgrim Chic
MMHMMMMMM
On the other hand, there was the cake-tiered monstrosity that Elisa designed (although at least she didn't spit on the garment or client) and the "what the FUCK was he thinking" Pilgrim-inspired disaster that Steve aka Slingblade created. First of all, this:
Prude French Maid Pilgrim ChicAnd second of all, this:
MMHMMMMMMDiscuss.
At least we had some fabulous "Twists!" in PR as well. We had to say goodbye to Jack, our sexy, sexy gay designer. I was terrified that his weeping announcement from the commercials was that his HIV had progressed to full blown AIDs (even though he'd been HIV Positive for 17 years and his immune system was doing very well) but thank god it wasn't. He did, however, have a potentially dangerous staph infection, so he listened to his doctor and left the show in order to relax and get treatment. Good luck, Jack, we all love you!!! Christian I'm sure will be the saddest, as whose going to carry him around in that tote bag?
Well, maybe CHRIS can!!!!!!! While we were all sorry to see Jack go, we were really feeling the horrific loss of both Jack and Chris - two of the best PR designers of the season. But with Jack gone, and the need to even out the playing field (which means "Oh shit, we can't believe we sent Chris home, what a stupid fucking mistake, damn you Donna Karen!) they brought Chris, my giant, lovable, squeezable teddy bear back. I love you, Chris, and you've just made my night.
Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive an Onslaught of Hilariously Bad Reality Fashion TV Shows
Step 1: Distance. Just remember that they're all the way in New York, or preferably LA, and therefore are not within rushing-at-you-and-eating-you distance.
Step 2: Intelligence. These shows may try to sap every last brain cell from your head, but if you keep your chin up and keep telling yourself that these shows actually reinforce your intelligence, you might just make it. Remember that all these people make you look 100x more intelligent than usual.
Step 3: Beauty. See "Intelligence."
Step 4: Editing. If you're feeling the weight of the reality shows on your shoulders, remember that sometimes the editors and producers angle things a certain way. Maybe there's hope - maybe Saleisha is actually a foot taller than she appears. Maybe the Redhead Bombshells are really caring, thoughtful individuals. Maybe StevenBlade doesn't actually want to kill you and eat your flesh.
Step 5: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Applications for America's Next Top Model are up, and there's always next season for Crowned and Project Runway. Maybe you can bring some poise, intelligence, and common sense to the show. Or maybe you've already gone insane, and this is the next logical step fro you. Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra, out.
Days till Hull: 7
Days till Christmas: 12
At least we had some fabulous "Twists!" in PR as well. We had to say goodbye to Jack, our sexy, sexy gay designer. I was terrified that his weeping announcement from the commercials was that his HIV had progressed to full blown AIDs (even though he'd been HIV Positive for 17 years and his immune system was doing very well) but thank god it wasn't. He did, however, have a potentially dangerous staph infection, so he listened to his doctor and left the show in order to relax and get treatment. Good luck, Jack, we all love you!!! Christian I'm sure will be the saddest, as whose going to carry him around in that tote bag?
Well, maybe CHRIS can!!!!!!! While we were all sorry to see Jack go, we were really feeling the horrific loss of both Jack and Chris - two of the best PR designers of the season. But with Jack gone, and the need to even out the playing field (which means "Oh shit, we can't believe we sent Chris home, what a stupid fucking mistake, damn you Donna Karen!) they brought Chris, my giant, lovable, squeezable teddy bear back. I love you, Chris, and you've just made my night.
Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive an Onslaught of Hilariously Bad Reality Fashion TV Shows
Step 1: Distance. Just remember that they're all the way in New York, or preferably LA, and therefore are not within rushing-at-you-and-eating-you distance.
Step 2: Intelligence. These shows may try to sap every last brain cell from your head, but if you keep your chin up and keep telling yourself that these shows actually reinforce your intelligence, you might just make it. Remember that all these people make you look 100x more intelligent than usual.
Step 3: Beauty. See "Intelligence."
Step 4: Editing. If you're feeling the weight of the reality shows on your shoulders, remember that sometimes the editors and producers angle things a certain way. Maybe there's hope - maybe Saleisha is actually a foot taller than she appears. Maybe the Redhead Bombshells are really caring, thoughtful individuals. Maybe StevenBlade doesn't actually want to kill you and eat your flesh.
Step 5: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Applications for America's Next Top Model are up, and there's always next season for Crowned and Project Runway. Maybe you can bring some poise, intelligence, and common sense to the show. Or maybe you've already gone insane, and this is the next logical step fro you. Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra, out.
Days till Hull: 7
Days till Christmas: 12
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