Things I Hate

Days till Hull: 7
Days till Thanksgiving: 9

There are a lot of things in this world that scare me: zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, midgets, midget zombies, midget zombie clowns, etc, and there are a lot of things in this world that perplex me: Rubik's cubes, basic algebra, The OC Season 4, Serena Williams, restraining orders taken out against me when all I was trying to do is spread my love, etc. But what really riles me up are the things that I hate.

1. People that Carry Two Purses: Okay, so you have a messenger bag, and maybe you're lugging around your laptop and some files. Maybe you say to yourself "well, I need my makeup and my wallet, and I don't want my bag to be too heavy!" Well you know what - you fail. In today's purses, there are so many hidden compartments and extra spaces that sometimes I find my friends hiding in there. Erin! What have I told you about getting your muddy feet in my new Michael Kors bag? Thing is, people look retarded when they're toting around one bag, and then have a teeny tiny purse on the same damn arm. You look like it's too difficult a task for you to put your meager belongings in the bigger purse, and thus refrain from looking like an idiot. I do suppose that says a lot about you then, hm?

2. The Rain: Oh, it's on, rain. What's so good about you anyway? Okay so you may like, give water to crops and stuff, and you may like... I don't know, fill up Poland Spring with more delicious water so I know what it's like to be from Maine, and I guess it's a good thing you wash away trash on the street like dirt and animal waste and hobos, but seriously, you're really not good for my hair, so I'm going to have to ask you to pick up and leave. I have to walk around all day today looking like I stuck my finger in a light socket, and that is not beneficial to my mental stability. If I'm going to get up an hour earlier than usual to do my hair, it better stay frizz-free.

3. Kristen Bell: Guess what, Kristen Bell: I'm onto you. People may be hailing you as such a charming little darling in Hollywood, but I know what you really are: a mentally retarded version of the extremely annoying Buffy in the after-high school years. Veronica Mars was a terrible, terrible show, and I still have minor seizures when I think about your obnoxious acting, your puckered face, and the outdated pop culture references that you continually jammed down our throats. Don't just think that now because you're on Heroes you're something special, because you're not, missy. First of all, your character is awful - you're not sexy, you're not coy, and you're sure as hell not dangerous. Your hiring fluke was like hiring Paris Hilton to play a nun. Clearly, something is wrong. And second of all, the creator of Heroes just came out and publicly apologized for turning Heroes into a giant Suck Stew - and he's talking about you, Down Syndrome Sally.

Are you having a seizure? Did you suffer a stroke? What is going on with your face??

4. Nora Roberts: Seriously. Seriously. Maybe this should be in a new category all it's own, because not only do I hate Nora Roberts, but her 'work' also perplexes the hell out of me. I finally sucked it up and tried reading one of her novels when someone told me "omg totally the best reading evar!" and I fell for it. It's kind of like touching a hot stove when you know that it's going to scar you for life, but you have this morbid curiosity to see what the fuss is all about. Here's how one of Nora Roberts typical books plays out:

It was a crisp, cool morning, the kind that made Detective Moana Lisa (See what I did right there?) turn over in bed and curl sensuously around her partner - both on the force of the law and in the force of the thrusts.

"Good morning," came the deep, rumbling baritone of Detective Dashing McSexalot. And then they engaged in hot, steamy, and ultimately, premarital sexual relations.

When they were finished awkwardly pawing at each other, Moana slid smoothly from her silken sheets and stepped to the window, slowly opening the blinds as she raised her face to the sun and drank in the light. In the distance, she could see the mountains, and the peaceful flow of the river. And beyond that, bright in the morning sky, was the beautiful orb of the planet Earth. Oh, how she loved mornings on Mars.

And that, my friends, is when I threw the book at the person recommending that. May you be condemned to a life of misery and hell for that terrible deed.

Q: Does this seriously look like the face of passionate romance??
A: No, it is the face of all that is unholy and blasphemous

5. All White: I used to be a huge fan of the "No White Before Memorial Day/No White After Labor Day" rule, but that was before classy winter white was introduced. Now I think white pea coats and certain white pieces are gorgeous in the winter, but I was always, always want to murder someone wearing all white - no matter what time of the year it is. White is a tricky color because it is not slimming, and often times, it is not flattering. If you want to go monochromatic, stick with black, because black is classy and super slimming, and you really can't go wrong there. But all white makes you look like a giant, puffy marshmallow, no matter how thin you are (I'm talking to you, Alessandra Ambrosio, I didn't miss that white outfit last week!) Also, it's heinously ugly. If you wear white pants and a white shirt, you're an idiot. End of story. And you deserve to be hit by a bus, because it's all a matter of Survival of the Fittest, baby.

And there you have it, a detailed list of 5 of the Things I Hate Most in This World. There are a lot more (don't even get me started on plaid and stripes, or hooker boots with shorts) but I fear having an aneurysm if I keep talking about them all. You just have to know where to draw the line with such items of horrific unfortunate-ness.