Days till Hull: 5
Days till Thanksgiving: 7
Days till the Ark Needs to Be Built: Yesterday
It is pouring out. Pouring. I woke up sometime around 4am because the rain was pounding against my window, and since I've been reading Kristyn's Bed Time Collection of the World's Worst Murderers, I was convinced that it was some psychotic maniac coming to break in and strangle me with my very own control top nylons. Oh, the horror.
Days till the Ark Needs to Be Built: Yesterday
It is pouring out. Pouring. I woke up sometime around 4am because the rain was pounding against my window, and since I've been reading Kristyn's Bed Time Collection of the World's Worst Murderers, I was convinced that it was some psychotic maniac coming to break in and strangle me with my very own control top nylons. Oh, the horror.
The rain inspires us to sporadically break into musical dance numbersRain aside, I've been fascinated with this book of murderous individuals (spanning from the glory days of Vlad the Impaler, all the way to the heartwarming tales of John Wayne Gacy and his delightful clown paraphernalia [see: Intense fears: Clowns]) and their depraved stories of nylons, acid baths, and the occasional tasty snack of human remains. What really fascinates me, though, are some of the names that people have come up with for various murdering psychopaths.
Take, for instance, "The Sex Beast" - or, should that not tickle your fancy, "Jack the Stripper." Seriously, what kinds of names are these? The Sex Beast? Really? Can you imagine the local news:
Anchor: And tonight, there's been a new development in The Sex Beast's Killings. Cindy?
Cindy: Thank you, Tom. I'm here with Susie Neighbor, who just this afternoon was lucky enough to escape the depravity of The Sex Beast. Susie, what did The Sex Beast look like?
Susie: Well, Cindy, he was very sexy, a very sexy beast. And he was very animal like, lots of hair. Lots of sexy hair. He truly was The Sex Beast.
Cindy: Thank you, Susie, for that fascinating lead. Back to you, Tom.
Or:
Reporter: So you actually witnessed Jack the Stripper's the mayhem?
Frat Boy Joe: Yeah! It was insane man!
Reporter: Can you describe to us exactly what happened?
Frat Boy Joe: Well we were all at The Golden Showers when it happened; this dude comes on stage in a g-string and tassels, and then bam! he's throwing himself at other dudes left and right, tassels' swinging, everyone's trying to run but Jack the Stripper is spinning around the pole and then launching himself into the crowd! I lost Billy, man, my bro's are gonna kill me!
Seriously, what else can these names possibly bring to mind?
In other, slightly less gruesome and less ridiculous news, last night was the premiere of Project Runway! I went to the Reds' to watch ANTM and then we settled in for our much-needed dose of Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn.
We are hotter than you will ever be
Take, for instance, "The Sex Beast" - or, should that not tickle your fancy, "Jack the Stripper." Seriously, what kinds of names are these? The Sex Beast? Really? Can you imagine the local news:
Anchor: And tonight, there's been a new development in The Sex Beast's Killings. Cindy?
Cindy: Thank you, Tom. I'm here with Susie Neighbor, who just this afternoon was lucky enough to escape the depravity of The Sex Beast. Susie, what did The Sex Beast look like?
Susie: Well, Cindy, he was very sexy, a very sexy beast. And he was very animal like, lots of hair. Lots of sexy hair. He truly was The Sex Beast.
Cindy: Thank you, Susie, for that fascinating lead. Back to you, Tom.
Or:
Reporter: So you actually witnessed Jack the Stripper's the mayhem?
Frat Boy Joe: Yeah! It was insane man!
Reporter: Can you describe to us exactly what happened?
Frat Boy Joe: Well we were all at The Golden Showers when it happened; this dude comes on stage in a g-string and tassels, and then bam! he's throwing himself at other dudes left and right, tassels' swinging, everyone's trying to run but Jack the Stripper is spinning around the pole and then launching himself into the crowd! I lost Billy, man, my bro's are gonna kill me!
Seriously, what else can these names possibly bring to mind?
In other, slightly less gruesome and less ridiculous news, last night was the premiere of Project Runway! I went to the Reds' to watch ANTM and then we settled in for our much-needed dose of Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn.
We are hotter than you will ever beHeidi Klum is seriously mind-blowing; how on earth is it possible to look that good after birthing three children?? She defies all laws of logic. If she didn't have a personality (damn her), I'd be certain she was a robot. People just don't look like that in real life.
What would make my life complete would be to have Tim Gunn permanently reside in my closet. That way, when I stumbled in there in the mornings, barely awake and bleary-eyed, he would already be throwing clothes around, deciding what was appropriate for me to wear today. "I don't know, darling," he might say, holding a baby doll dress up to me and frowning over the pattern. "It's nice, but it's not wow. The judges would really praise the pencil skirt and blouse."
And then when I was sauntering down the street, looking fierce in my pencil skirt and matching blouse, I could tell anyone that starts fawning over me that Tim Gunn saved my life. And then toss in a saucy wink for good measure.
Last night someone asked what Tim Gunn does in his personal time, so I've spent some time thinking about this fascinating question, and I've come up with some possible ideas:
1. He's secretly the head of IMG Models, because nothing says "fabulous" like representing Gisele, Gemma, and Ms. Klum herself.
2. He spends any time off-camera soaking in a luxurious bath, where the bubbles come from magical caviar, and the soothing bath salts are made from the tears of angels. In this tub, he is fanned by past Project Runway contestants with palm fronds from the Cayman Islands.
3. He spends all his free time attending fabulous soirées with the rich and famous from all over the world, including The Queen Mum, Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Oprah, and those guys who started Google.
4. He's actually a deadly assassin, trained in the ways of the Ninja, and his chipper and fabulous tv persona is merely a smokescreen to hide behind in order for him to carry out his nefarious deeds, and eventually topple Western Civilization as we know it.
5. He and Heidi are actually the same person.
And that's all I've got. I think I permanently damaged my brain yesterday when I spent the day actually doing work for once (in between gorging myself on the office's free cookies and brownies.) That and I have a dentist appointment today at 1:30, and I never tend to function properly when I know I'm soon going to have someone's hands and various sharp instruments crammed into my mouth. Of course it's only a cleaning, since I have fabulous teeth - Tim Gunn worthy teeth even, I would speculate.
And speaking of mind-blowingly hot sex beasts (oh ho!), Mr. Tim Gunn himself was there to reduce me into a puddle of incoherent goo. Tim Gunn, I will bear your children no matter what sexuality you may lay claim to. It's okay, baby.
Make it work, people!
Make it work, people!What would make my life complete would be to have Tim Gunn permanently reside in my closet. That way, when I stumbled in there in the mornings, barely awake and bleary-eyed, he would already be throwing clothes around, deciding what was appropriate for me to wear today. "I don't know, darling," he might say, holding a baby doll dress up to me and frowning over the pattern. "It's nice, but it's not wow. The judges would really praise the pencil skirt and blouse."
And then when I was sauntering down the street, looking fierce in my pencil skirt and matching blouse, I could tell anyone that starts fawning over me that Tim Gunn saved my life. And then toss in a saucy wink for good measure.
Last night someone asked what Tim Gunn does in his personal time, so I've spent some time thinking about this fascinating question, and I've come up with some possible ideas:
1. He's secretly the head of IMG Models, because nothing says "fabulous" like representing Gisele, Gemma, and Ms. Klum herself.
2. He spends any time off-camera soaking in a luxurious bath, where the bubbles come from magical caviar, and the soothing bath salts are made from the tears of angels. In this tub, he is fanned by past Project Runway contestants with palm fronds from the Cayman Islands.
3. He spends all his free time attending fabulous soirées with the rich and famous from all over the world, including The Queen Mum, Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Oprah, and those guys who started Google.
4. He's actually a deadly assassin, trained in the ways of the Ninja, and his chipper and fabulous tv persona is merely a smokescreen to hide behind in order for him to carry out his nefarious deeds, and eventually topple Western Civilization as we know it.
5. He and Heidi are actually the same person.
And that's all I've got. I think I permanently damaged my brain yesterday when I spent the day actually doing work for once (in between gorging myself on the office's free cookies and brownies.) That and I have a dentist appointment today at 1:30, and I never tend to function properly when I know I'm soon going to have someone's hands and various sharp instruments crammed into my mouth. Of course it's only a cleaning, since I have fabulous teeth - Tim Gunn worthy teeth even, I would speculate.
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