Days till Our Thanksgiving: 2
Days till The Great Hull Voyage: 11
Days till Actual Thanksgiving: 13
As you can see, I've added yet another event to my Epic Countdown Calendar. I figured any trip to Hull is worthy of discussion, as it is in those few and far between times that I instantly revert back to a salivating, boozing monster. I don't know if it's some sort of ingrained response to the area that I grew up in, or if it's because the moment you drive through the town border, you are instantly doomed to one of three outcomes:
1. You get pregnant. In middle school. You test multiple potential baby's daddies.
2. You become a raging alcoholic and spend your days drinking yourself into a stupor with 99% of your graduating class. You get pregnant. You test multiple potential baby's daddies.
3. You develop an irritating heroin addiction. All your teeth fall out, and your prostitution business by the A Street bar suffers. Until you convince people it enables you to give better blow jobs. You get pregnant. Your child has three eyeballs and a questionable number of limbs. You test multiple baby's daddies.
So far I have yet to acquire any actual addiction, and as far as I am aware, I have never actually birthed a child, but every time I go back there the odds definitely tip against my favor.
Illegitimate children aside, yesterday a friend sent me an e-card, from arguably the funniest online card site there is. I'd seen the site before but somehow forgot about it, (you know, with my busy schedule of... um... watching tv) and had a gleeful time reexamining the site and all the treasures within. If any batch of cards were to sum up the entirety of my life, you better damn well believe that it's this one. And now, I present to you, my life through someecards:
Days till Actual Thanksgiving: 13
As you can see, I've added yet another event to my Epic Countdown Calendar. I figured any trip to Hull is worthy of discussion, as it is in those few and far between times that I instantly revert back to a salivating, boozing monster. I don't know if it's some sort of ingrained response to the area that I grew up in, or if it's because the moment you drive through the town border, you are instantly doomed to one of three outcomes:
1. You get pregnant. In middle school. You test multiple potential baby's daddies.
2. You become a raging alcoholic and spend your days drinking yourself into a stupor with 99% of your graduating class. You get pregnant. You test multiple potential baby's daddies.
3. You develop an irritating heroin addiction. All your teeth fall out, and your prostitution business by the A Street bar suffers. Until you convince people it enables you to give better blow jobs. You get pregnant. Your child has three eyeballs and a questionable number of limbs. You test multiple baby's daddies.
So far I have yet to acquire any actual addiction, and as far as I am aware, I have never actually birthed a child, but every time I go back there the odds definitely tip against my favor.
Illegitimate children aside, yesterday a friend sent me an e-card, from arguably the funniest online card site there is. I'd seen the site before but somehow forgot about it, (you know, with my busy schedule of... um... watching tv) and had a gleeful time reexamining the site and all the treasures within. If any batch of cards were to sum up the entirety of my life, you better damn well believe that it's this one. And now, I present to you, my life through someecards:
I was born; my parents had, by that time, mostly stopped snorting coke and drinking 20+ martinis a night. I turned out completely normal.
I started to grow up and become a fine young woman with no lingering mental issues from my early childhood.
My brother and I were an indestructible team; we never ratted each other out, and we certainly never got in fistfights over $2 bills our grandfather gave to us, even though it was my 18th birthday and it was my fucking $2, Rory!
In high school, I had a fabulous group of friends - we were responsible, mature, and never bickered or gossiped. And we certainly never consumed alcohol.
I graduated from High School! With honors! And somehow managed to get into a great University. I certainly never pretended that I didn't go to good old Hull High School. It's sort of like pretending like you don't have herpes. No one can really tell unless they get too close.
I made a whole new circle of wonderful friends! We really encouraged each other to be the best that we could be.
Oops! I didn't realize you had to repay college loans! I received my Bachelor of the Arts Degree in English, for the low price of just upwards of $50,000 a year. What a bargain!
I got a well-paying, demanding job in a professional field. Some months, I have almost $100 left after rent!! I eat a lot of leftovers.
As time went on, I began to grow closer with my parents, and really appreciate everything they'd done for me in my lifetime.
My (remaining) friends and I made our friendships stronger than ever. We began to appreciate each other as individuals.
I started to actually make wise choices in the dating pool. All it took was another martini.
I learned how to bitch and gossip in a constructive manner and atmosphere. More oil, Kiki!
And now I'm looking towards the future! I know I'll definitely get that screenplay written and picked up by Universal Studios!
And that is the story of my life, and a tantalizing glimpse into my future. Thank you, someecards, for such an expressive, mature medium for me to use. With that being said, it's time to go be productive, and attempt not to offend that damn profanity filter.
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