"C" is for "Doomed to a Life of Mediocrity"

Days till Hull: Tomorrow!

Days till Thanksgiving: 3

According to the glorious Hypocondriacal Pit that is WebMD, your name may tweak your destiny." This article proposes such insightful hypotheses like:

- MBA students whose first or last names start with the letters A or B tend to make better grades than those whose names start with C or D

- Major League baseball players whose names begin with the letter K strike out more often than those whose names don't start with letter K (obviously the letter used to record strikeouts)

- Law school applicants whose names began with A or B were more likely to get into top-ranked law schools than those with other initials

- That hideous "My name is Chelsea, my husband's name is Charles, we live in Chicago and we sell Chihuahuas" game could be a chilling indication of your future: People have a subtle bias toward the letters in their monogram. "For example," they write, "Toby is more likely to buy a Toyota, move to Toronto, and marry Tonya than is Jack, who is more likely to buy a Jaguar, move to Jacksonville, and marry Jackie."

- Christine may not find a C grade quite so bad as Anna


Do you know what this is? This is the dumbest proposal I have ever heard in my entire life, and I once spent a poli sci class listening to someone propose that we go to Iraq and murder all of the children whose parents were killed in the war, because that was the best way to stop the violence and make sure that our future generations (if there were any over there) would get along and not want to wage war on each other.

Do you really mean to tell me that law schools and MBA programs are teeming with Amandas, Annas, Alberts and Brians? And that the Zacks, Zoeys, Wills and Victorias of the world are doomed to spend their time as janitors in Taco Bells or gas station attendants at the local Pump 'n Go? What about the Williams that go by Bill - are they simultaneously retarded and rejected from law school, but gaining admittance to top tier MBA programs? What about the Bob Whites of the world - are they just as confused? And are the Kates and Johns of the world forever doomed to a life of blue collar mediocrity?

Exhibit A: Victor Exhibit B: Arnold

And for the whole "inclination towards your initial" business, let me tell you that that is one big heap of stupidity. Sure, I like the letter C because my name starts with it, but I have no inclination towards surrounding myself with things solely because they start with the same letter that my name does. I dated a Charlie once, but I've never dated another C person before; I want to live in DC, or Boston, or New York, or London, or LA - Chicago doesn't even really register because it's too damn cold (and away from ocean coastlines); My dream car is a Lexus RX, not a... what the hell kind of car starts with a C anyway? A Camry? No thanks.

I do have to agree with the assumption that a "Christine" would be content with a "C" grade, but only if the following conditions apply:

- "Christine" is named "Chelsea"
- "Chelsea" really, really hates studying
- "Chelsea" is a slacker that likes drinking and watching tv too much
- "Chelsea" is super glad she pulled off that "C" in bio, rather than the "F" she was expecting

Otherwise, I just can't buy the idea. And due to the sheer number of Jennifers, Saras, Steves, and Kellys, statistically speaking it would be impossible for all of them to be middle-of-the-road schlubs. So, WebMD, please go back to making me think I have brain cancer, or encephalitis, or a dangerously enlarged prostate, and stop trying to tackle these off-the-wall topics. Thanks.