Days till Halloween: 20
Days till Omaha: 6
I'm not entirely sure which is scarier: Halloween, the night of ghosts, mayhem and general tomfoolery, or my trip to Omaha, the great void in the middle of no-man's land. To be fair, the people in the Omaha office seem fabulously nice, and I am looking forward to meeting them, it's just that I have a deep fear of any area that is entirely landlocked. Rivers and streams and lakes don't count - it's ocean or nothing for me, my friends. It also doesn't help that just thinking about taking two different planes on consecutive days makes me want to scream and hide under my desk in the fetal position.
Speaking of hiding under my desk in the fetal position, I am tempted to do as such for two reasons: 1) it is roughly 20 degrees below zero in the office right now, and 2) I am the only one in said office, and I am convinced that there is something moving around in the main room, but I am too frightened to go and investigate the noise (meaning I have seen too many horror movies, and am too intelligent to go in and see what's making that noise that sounds just like a roaring chainsaw in the dark closet.)
Days till Omaha: 6
I'm not entirely sure which is scarier: Halloween, the night of ghosts, mayhem and general tomfoolery, or my trip to Omaha, the great void in the middle of no-man's land. To be fair, the people in the Omaha office seem fabulously nice, and I am looking forward to meeting them, it's just that I have a deep fear of any area that is entirely landlocked. Rivers and streams and lakes don't count - it's ocean or nothing for me, my friends. It also doesn't help that just thinking about taking two different planes on consecutive days makes me want to scream and hide under my desk in the fetal position.
Speaking of hiding under my desk in the fetal position, I am tempted to do as such for two reasons: 1) it is roughly 20 degrees below zero in the office right now, and 2) I am the only one in said office, and I am convinced that there is something moving around in the main room, but I am too frightened to go and investigate the noise (meaning I have seen too many horror movies, and am too intelligent to go in and see what's making that noise that sounds just like a roaring chainsaw in the dark closet.)
Your bejeweled bell bottoms are terrifying!In all actuality it's probably, like, a paper clip stuck in the vent, but I'll sit at my desk and convince myself that it's a zombie and I have to type very quietly so as not to catch it's attention (which everyone knows would mean I'm doomed, since I type with the grace and delicacy of an elephant.) Sadly, this is a normal state of being for me, heightened only to a fever pitch by the deliciousness that is the Halloween Spirit. I think part of it has to do with the fact that it's finally not 95 degrees with a 200% humidity rate outside; if it feels cold and spooky, and I'm stuck alone in a giant, dark office (where the hell are those back lights, anyway?) my mind shall fill in any and all blanks.
On the topic of blank spots in the brain, last night's episode of America's Next Top Model reminded us all yet again that Tyra Banks' head is full of helium and pop references to her days in the Inglewood 'hood. One would think that if she wanted the next Top Model, she'd be picking girls with strong high fashion looks, not a few commercial girls and some hideously disfigured burn victims she found when she mistakenly entered the Shriner's hospital, thinking she was at Bloomingdale's. There's maybe two, three girls top, that could actually have a shot at walking on a runway. The others are doomed forever to the hell that is the Sears Seasonal Catalogue.
This week, the ever-obnoxious Victoria got the proverbial boot. I really wanted to like Victoria, because she was a Yale student who seemed above all the stupidity and cruelty of the house, but my optimism for her ground to a screeching halt as she turned heinously prickly and began arguing with the lovable, fabulous Tiwggy at each and every judging panel. Of all people why Twiggy? She's the only one up there with any sense whatsoever - well, Nigel may have some sense, but I'm always imagining us having hot, steamy monkey sex, so I'm never actually sure what comes out of his mouth. At any rate, it has to be better than Miss J's incoherent, often times flailing ramblings.
The irony!If you're like, 99% sure that modeling is the stupidest thing in the world, and you go to Yale of all places, why on earth would you ever audition for ANTM? You failed, you have to return to a student body that will forever, ceaselessly mock you, and everyone told you that you sucked. Congrats! Let the neurotic self-hatred begin!
Speaking of dumb pictures and even dumber people (see what I did right there? I'm leading every sub post into the next one, and tying this together so nicely it's like it was gift wrapped at Papyrus. Am I good or what?), I received a message on my MySpace account this morning, which read:
Speaking of dumb pictures and even dumber people (see what I did right there? I'm leading every sub post into the next one, and tying this together so nicely it's like it was gift wrapped at Papyrus. Am I good or what?), I received a message on my MySpace account this morning, which read:
Cheklsea,
Hi I looked at your overall profile and you seem pretty cool. I liked it very much.
Your pics I have to admit were very nice, but let’s be fair. You already know that so I am not telling you anything new:)
I apologize in advance what might be perceived as a rude out of the blue e-mail. ...but I am moving from NY to DC/VA because of a job offer I cannot pass up and I don't know anyone here. It would be comforting to hang out and meet some new people. I recognize that you don't know me from a whole in the wall but I can assure you that I am normal, sensible, give people lots of space and respect their privacy. While my profile portrays a narcissistic and perhaps even an immature side of me, let this e-mail reflect a much deeper, down to earth side of me, and if you give me a chance I’m confident you’ll mirror those same views as well. So I hope you'll feel comfortable talking to me and getting to know me.
Generally I like to have a relaxed time when I first meet someone. Go out have drinks, just chilling out. Yes I do like dancing but that doesn't control my interests or the people I hang out with. It's just another type of activity I like which I have many. Makes sense?
You can IM me on hotmail as ___ If you have AIM, you can IM me as ____. If you use yahoo you can Im me there as well as a fall back option ____.
If texting is easier for you, you can do that as well. My text number is _____.
I know I hit you hard with the e-mail but at least it wasn't some 2 line boring cut and paste hello. I hope to hear from you but either way have a great day and know this…. If your pics reflect your true personality, then you’re an amazing person.
Hm, where to begin with this gem. First of all, my name is Chelsea. Contrary to popular belief, there is no "K" in my name. Second of all, of course my pictures are good, that's why I put them up there. I debated with putting up the "Drunken Chelsea Slips and Falls Down Stairs and Lands in Bloodied Heap" picture, and the "High as a Kite Chelsea Attempts Stripping on Coffee Table in Middle of Frat House" picture, but ultimately decided perhaps I wanted to portray myself in a different way. Plus, I'm wearing a ton of makeup in those pictures, so of course they're fabulous.
Moving on, I do hope this is some sort of hoax, as this just gets sadder and sadder. Okay, you're making a big move, I understand you don't know anyone in DC, but why not... oh, I don't know, make some friends at your new job? Hit up the bar at happy hour? Make small talk with your neighbors? The last thing you should be doing is trolling MySpace - given the site's statistics, I'm probably a 400 pound man that likes to capture smaller, weaker men and trap them in my basement for months on end, so you should be careful with giving our your personal information there, buddy.
And oh boy, the personal information. All I need his is social security number and I'm getting myself a brand spankin' new identity. For his sake I left the spots blank, but it's safe to assume that his screen name and email address are very similar to something like hot2trot@moron.com. It's that bad. Also, how did we get to such a "deep" level via a one-sided email conversation? Saying you're deep and mature doesn't make it so - I could say I'm Paris Hilton, but I didn't magically develop a wonky left eye and a fresh case of herpes. Sorry.
To say farwell to all of you, and to my new best friend, I end with his last comment: If your pics reflect your true personality, then you’re an amazing person. Well, since my pictures are from my brief modeling stint and from some drunken sorority escapades from my college days, then I'd say they sum me up pretty nicely: a frigid bitch with a taste for the sauce. Right on!
Hi I looked at your overall profile and you seem pretty cool. I liked it very much.
Your pics I have to admit were very nice, but let’s be fair. You already know that so I am not telling you anything new:)
I apologize in advance what might be perceived as a rude out of the blue e-mail. ...but I am moving from NY to DC/VA because of a job offer I cannot pass up and I don't know anyone here. It would be comforting to hang out and meet some new people. I recognize that you don't know me from a whole in the wall but I can assure you that I am normal, sensible, give people lots of space and respect their privacy. While my profile portrays a narcissistic and perhaps even an immature side of me, let this e-mail reflect a much deeper, down to earth side of me, and if you give me a chance I’m confident you’ll mirror those same views as well. So I hope you'll feel comfortable talking to me and getting to know me.
Generally I like to have a relaxed time when I first meet someone. Go out have drinks, just chilling out. Yes I do like dancing but that doesn't control my interests or the people I hang out with. It's just another type of activity I like which I have many. Makes sense?
You can IM me on hotmail as ___ If you have AIM, you can IM me as ____. If you use yahoo you can Im me there as well as a fall back option ____.
If texting is easier for you, you can do that as well. My text number is _____.
I know I hit you hard with the e-mail but at least it wasn't some 2 line boring cut and paste hello. I hope to hear from you but either way have a great day and know this…. If your pics reflect your true personality, then you’re an amazing person.
Hm, where to begin with this gem. First of all, my name is Chelsea. Contrary to popular belief, there is no "K" in my name. Second of all, of course my pictures are good, that's why I put them up there. I debated with putting up the "Drunken Chelsea Slips and Falls Down Stairs and Lands in Bloodied Heap" picture, and the "High as a Kite Chelsea Attempts Stripping on Coffee Table in Middle of Frat House" picture, but ultimately decided perhaps I wanted to portray myself in a different way. Plus, I'm wearing a ton of makeup in those pictures, so of course they're fabulous.
Moving on, I do hope this is some sort of hoax, as this just gets sadder and sadder. Okay, you're making a big move, I understand you don't know anyone in DC, but why not... oh, I don't know, make some friends at your new job? Hit up the bar at happy hour? Make small talk with your neighbors? The last thing you should be doing is trolling MySpace - given the site's statistics, I'm probably a 400 pound man that likes to capture smaller, weaker men and trap them in my basement for months on end, so you should be careful with giving our your personal information there, buddy.
And oh boy, the personal information. All I need his is social security number and I'm getting myself a brand spankin' new identity. For his sake I left the spots blank, but it's safe to assume that his screen name and email address are very similar to something like hot2trot@moron.com. It's that bad. Also, how did we get to such a "deep" level via a one-sided email conversation? Saying you're deep and mature doesn't make it so - I could say I'm Paris Hilton, but I didn't magically develop a wonky left eye and a fresh case of herpes. Sorry.
To say farwell to all of you, and to my new best friend, I end with his last comment: If your pics reflect your true personality, then you’re an amazing person. Well, since my pictures are from my brief modeling stint and from some drunken sorority escapades from my college days, then I'd say they sum me up pretty nicely: a frigid bitch with a taste for the sauce. Right on!
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