Fighting off Colds, Quick & Simple

Days till Halloween: 16
Days till Omaha: 2

Chance I'll live to see either: Not Good

I've been fighting off a massive flu-like illness for about a week now, but this weekend it reared its ugly head and fought me in an epic battle for control. Sadly I seem to have lost, as it's taking me about 10 minutes to type each word, seeing as my fingers don't want to cooperate, and my vision is swimming so badly it feels like I'm looking at one of those dot pictures where if you stare hard enough, some picture forms in it while everything else seemingly vibrates. But fuck that, I could never see those hidden pictures anyway - I always felt left out in second grade.

Forget that I don't actually have a fever or male genitalia

In an effort to cheer myself up last night, I cracked open the newest edition of Quick & Simple - no, not a how-to manual for a one woman good time, but the bastardized younger sibling of Good Housekeeping. I bought it since it promised me Quick and Easy Halloween Decorations! and it was a Bargain! at $1.59. I figured it'd have some cutesy Halloween decorations that you could do with some tape, a piece of construction paper and a string of paper clips, maybe some funny costume pictures, and a healthy dollop of menopausal womens' stories so that mothers everywhere could agree together that night sweats are a bitch, and while mood swings provide entertainment, they aren't actually all that fun for others involved. (Believe me Tammy Sue Baker from Drysdale Nebraska, I feel you!)

Instead, it was like I opened a dark portal to the oxymoronic world of 40+ Women meets Cosmopolitan meets Church on Sunday meets Late Night Stand Up on Comedy Central. The magazine heavily urges women to drop obscene amounts of weight in frighteningly short amounts of time - 25 pounds in 2 weeks! - while making fun of children with vision problems, and then forcing Christian gospel down your terrified, unwilling throat.

No one will love you if you're fat, piggy - now who wants to make bunt cake??

Quick & Simple claims that the ideal weight for a woman is now 135 pounds - which would be a good thing, as it's up from around 130 pounds, especially since models keep dropping dead on runways and people are finally starting to open their eyes and say that curves look better than emaciated hip bones that slice and dice passersby - but then they go on to claim it's because obesity rates are up and women are getting fatter. So basically you're ideal at 135, but that's because we're all a bunch of fat asses, and hey, don't you want to lose 25 pounds in 2 weeks, even though it'll put stress on your heart since you're supposed to lose 1-2 pounds a week, max?

After repeatedly ramming us with diet tips and telling us how fat and gross we all are, this devilish pamphlet then goes into all the ways to make fried chicken (yummy, hot oil!), cakes, cookies, and basically anything over 700 calories with enough fat to stop a rhino dead in its tracks. Because nothing says "eating disorder!" better than lavishing poor, starving women with mouthwatering pictures of decadent baked (and fried) goods.

Q&S then goes on to feature a story called "You, Only Better!" It's about (quote) "Super-pastor!" Joel Osteen and his freakish, heavily botoxed wife Victoria, whose face is so horrifically terrifying that it kills children and small puppies right in their tracks. True story.

I'm under your bed at night

My apologies if I just killed any children or small animals that may have been reading this blog along with you. Freakishly distorted butt chin aside, the story goes on to tell you that you can still be you, but rather than the sucky, sinning version of you, you can be the good, Christian, pious version of you, as long as you keep giving the Osteen's all your money. Nothing spells Salvation like M-O-N-E-Y!

Take this tidbit from our Super Pastor:

"God will not change another person's will: 'Too often we wait for others to change,' the pastor explains. 'But sometimes we have to be the first to forgive. would you rather always be right, or have peace in your home?' And if you're always arguing with your spouse, consider this: God may have chosen to put you with a different type of person on purpose, Osteen says.

See, that's what I've been trying to tell everyone all along! It's good to be the first to forgive. Frank and I, we're just too different personalities, and God put us together for a reason: clearly I'm a sinner since I'm supposed to be on a diet but I just followed page 12's instructions on how to make deep fried Coca Cola, so it's only reasonable that Frank smacks me around with his walking stick. I need to be the first to change and forgive - we're here for a reason!

Spousal abuse aside, I hate having religion crammed down my throat, and when I buy something for the Halloween decorating tips, the last thing I want is some Christian bullshit crammed down my throat. Throw in some of Rabbi Steinberg's matza ball recipes and constant suffering tidbits, and maybe we'll be even. Otherwise, no thanks, I don't need the advice.

I finally turned in desperation to the back of the magazine, trying to find more decorating tips and costume ideas, in order to forget all of the scary things I just encountered, only to find the winning costume for a children's costume contest. I was amused to see the winner was a small boy in a Popeye costume, nailing the squinty-eyed look, but that was until I read this charming little tidbit:

When Susan Tinch, 44, a lunch monitor from Indianapolos, observed that her son was squinting (due to a vision problem), she thought of her beloved cartoon character. 'I told Mason that he looked like Popeye!' says Susan."

So... let me get this straight. Her son has vision problems so badly that he's squinting, which means he must have killer, crushing headaches since he clearly can't see two feet in front of him, but golly it reminds his freakish lunch monitoring mother of Popeye! Her most cartoon favoritest character ever! I mean, she's gotta have all the porcelain figurines displayed on her Popeye Porcelain Figurine Stand in the china cabinet, and probably proudly wears her Popeye cartoon t-shirts under her stained lunch woman's apron - she's a true fan! She'll let her son suffer blindly for a few more days cause gosh darn, he just looks so cute having a minor aneurysm like that! Now, if he would only stop walking into the walls and start posing for the camera...