Britney, MTV Crash and Burn

How to Ruin an Awards Show in a Spectacularly Embarrassing Fashion:

1. Let Britney Spears open your show. Sure, she's an alcoholic and drug abuser, probably has some massive mental issues going on, is under investigation for child abuse, and goes out in public without her pants, but clearly she's the person that should be opening MTV's biggest show of the year! Seriously, what the fuck was that? She lip synced, walked around like she had no idea where she was, kept stumbling, forgot she was supposed to be lip syncing and just stood there like an idiot, and tried to squeeze herself into a bikini... thing that was far too small and far too revealing.

2. Tell Sarah Silverman she's actually funny, and encourage her to follow Britney with painfully embarrassing stand up (despite it being a music awards show), and to go on the attack. Britney's probably already hung herself backstage - course she did it with an overly long rope and is standing on the ground looking confused, but that's beside the point.

3. Turn the teleprompters off/Put the prompts in Swedish/Book a bunch of fucking morons to announce the categories and winners. Why couldn't anyone read the prompts? And furthermore, why was everyone stuttering and making awkward jokes and looking like they had no idea why there were on stage, and even getting the winners' names wrong? (Gym Class Fall Out, anyone?) It's not like these people were kidnapped and released blindly - they knew where they were, and knew what they were supposed to be doing. Well, besides Britney.

4. Film the show from 50 venues and mash it all together. That way, people will be so busy wondering where the hell the singers are, and what the hell is going on, that they won't realize that people can't sing and are struggling (I'm onto you, Fall Out Boy, I heard your screechy singing of Thnx 4 da Mem'ries, or whatever the hell it is you call that poor, butchered song.)

5. Have the artists sing uncensored versions, so that all the rich and famous and talented individuals in the audience get to enjoy the songs, while all the suckers at home have to listen to those awful censor beeps that totally ruin the appeal of the songs to the people that are supposed to actually be wanting to tune in and give MTV their ratings.

6. Get everyone drunk beforehand. Seriously, Erin and I have reached a final agreement, and that agreement is that everyone* is completely shifacted: singers, producers, staff, sound and audio crews, executives, everyone is totally wasted, and that's why this is such a massive piece of crap.

*Everyone except Rhianna and Shia LeBouf, that is. Rhianna is the only one sober and talented enough to keep performing and winning, which is why they keep bringing her up, and Shia is the only presenter to have turned a totally awkward situation into a funny one. Ludacris, I'm talking to you - WHY, if you AGREED to pick up an award for Fergie, would you refuse and wave from the audience, and leave poor Shia hanging? Luckily Shia made off with that statue, and you know he's sure as hell not gonna give it back. Why? Bitch is smart. Way smarter than MTV.