The Art of Seduction

I've been lucky enough in my time to have been seduced by some of the masters. My sex life is a tapestry, woven together with steamy nights, hot tub thrills, and multiple orgasms, the kind that comes from Cosmo articles claiming "Crazy ass moves he wants you to do to him there!" (No, seriously, that's on the cover of October's issue.) Take, for instance, a text message I received last night from a guy I've known for awhile now:

Hey, where did you guys go?
Girl i want to give you some sex
that will put me on the wall of fame!
I have always had a crush on you. Ha.

How am I supposed to resist this? I want to be given some sex by such a stud (ignore the question of "how does one give sex?") Ladies, this is what we've been looking for all along: someone that knows how to speak to us, with the right amount of charm, bravado, and sincerity.

What it all comes down to is that I've realized I am a magnet for these paragons of virtue and manliness. I must give off some kind of light - perhaps I am a beacon in the darkness, calling out to these men. I know you're all very jealous, and will try to prove that, in fact, I do not get all the good ones, but don't you worry - I've compiled a list of some questions I usually get from girls seething with jealousy, so have a look here now and stop yourself before you get too embarrassed:

"Hey, have you ever hooked up with a guy with a receding hairline in a bathroom after a hoe-down?" Yes, and it was so romantic.

"Hey, were you ever mauled by a Mormon who did lines of coke during a party you threw and kept asking if there were onomatopoeias in the stuffed shells he ate off your roommate's lap, before proceeding to fall asleep in said roommate's lap?" I was, indeed, lucky enough to have such a gentleman try to impress me in so many ways!

"Hey, have you ever had a Marine pee in your bed and then not remember the next morning, even though he woke up naked, wrapped in a pee-stained sheet in the hallway, then tried to convince you to go to ihop with him?" Oh, Sorbie...

As you can see, there's just nothing I can do to stop the onslaught. I mean the steady, happy stream of suitors. Who knows? Maybe next time I'll get lucky enough to get involved in a serious relationship with a guy that falls down every time he drinks, writes poetry on the starlight cafe, and cries like a baby over every little thing. Oh wait, I already did that! Man, am I on fire!"