Days till Surgery:14
Days till Old Age: ??
I don't actually know how many days there are till my birthday, because I'm stuck at home today and denied access to the countdown on my desktop calendar. Now, don't get me wrong, I love days off, but today isn't a "it's nice out, fuck the office!" day, or a "I want to go shopping!" day, it's a "ouch, my uterus hurts" day. Fabulous.
However, a well-kept family secret has been unearthed, and despite my cripple-status, today is indeed a day to celebrate! See, my grandmother is a woman who chooses her words carefully. We just assumed she was, you know, gramma, when she'd say things like "I don't like Jewish people" and "the Irish are dirty" but it turns out, she was skillfully using those statements to hoodwink others - because guess what her mother was?
An Irish Jew.
Days till Old Age: ??
I don't actually know how many days there are till my birthday, because I'm stuck at home today and denied access to the countdown on my desktop calendar. Now, don't get me wrong, I love days off, but today isn't a "it's nice out, fuck the office!" day, or a "I want to go shopping!" day, it's a "ouch, my uterus hurts" day. Fabulous.
However, a well-kept family secret has been unearthed, and despite my cripple-status, today is indeed a day to celebrate! See, my grandmother is a woman who chooses her words carefully. We just assumed she was, you know, gramma, when she'd say things like "I don't like Jewish people" and "the Irish are dirty" but it turns out, she was skillfully using those statements to hoodwink others - because guess what her mother was?
An Irish Jew.
I'm not entirely sure what constitutes an Irish Jew, although I'm envisioning Irish Car Bombs with a shot of Manischewitz, and rabbis getting shitfaced in pubs and fist fighting each other. At any rate, with all those potatoes, at least an Irish Jew would always be guaranteed a never-ending supple of latkes.
Latkes Go BraghAll this time, and I never knew! Of course I've celebrated St. Patrick's Day by getting roaringly drunk since I was, like, five, but still! I was convinced I was only English and Welsh, and that I never really fit into the angry, drunken, rosy-faced world of the Irish. But I did! All this time! It really explains a few things, doesn't it?
Now I feel like it's my duty to make up for all the times I scoffed at the Irish, or felt slightly out of place in my home city of Boston. I mean, in a city where everyone's named Whitey McGuiness, it could be hard sometimes. As the lone Jew, I was also the lone non-Irish, and there was always that niggling feeling of not fitting in - but now, I'm a part of the gang! Of course I'm moving far away from Boston, but still - it's the point.
So, this St. Patrick's Day, regardless of being trapped inside, I'm raising a pint to you - my Irish brothers and sisters. Let's celebrate our day of drunken debauchery. And thank you, gramma. You may never want anyone to know your heritage, but you have made your alcoholic grandchildren very, very happy indeed.
Now I feel like it's my duty to make up for all the times I scoffed at the Irish, or felt slightly out of place in my home city of Boston. I mean, in a city where everyone's named Whitey McGuiness, it could be hard sometimes. As the lone Jew, I was also the lone non-Irish, and there was always that niggling feeling of not fitting in - but now, I'm a part of the gang! Of course I'm moving far away from Boston, but still - it's the point.
So, this St. Patrick's Day, regardless of being trapped inside, I'm raising a pint to you - my Irish brothers and sisters. Let's celebrate our day of drunken debauchery. And thank you, gramma. You may never want anyone to know your heritage, but you have made your alcoholic grandchildren very, very happy indeed.
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