AND WE HAVE MENOPAUSE!
Houston, we're cleared to be mobile (and get laid)Today is a glorious day! I had my menopause shot at 9am, and I should be mostly pain free within the next day or so! I'm highly looking forward to running around like a maniac, dancing on bars, and bringing home questionable men. It'll be just like college!
True, it's only a matter of time until I start having hot flashes, and until I start crying over things like "misplacing that paper clip" and "that commercial that had sad music" but in the end, the good trumps the bad. I like to think that the emotional roller coaster of menopause helps me in the long run, because it makes me act like... well, like a female. I don't cry, I don't watch romantic movies, and I hate Kate Hudson, but now that I have crazy hormonal tides, perhaps I can once again better bond with creatures of my own gender. And maybe I could even watch The Notebook with people, and not get kicked out of the room for alternately laughing at the movie for being fucking retarded, and screaming at everyone enjoying it for being pathetic, overly emotional morons.
Anyway.
Today marks a turning point in my life (hopefully) for several reasons, some of which I cannot yet go into detail about. If today goes according to plan, then I will be on busy, happy little beaver, and life on the whole will take a much needed turn for the better. If things don't go according to plan, I'll soothe myself by scarfing down entire gallons of ice cream, and then reveling in the fact that I can now go to the gym to work the calories off, rather than finding another fat deposit on the inside of my thigh.
It's the little things in life, really.
At any rate, this weekend will be spent having a lot of fun, and hopefully Monday will mark my return to the gym, and the reintroduction of candy bars to my diet. Another change this brings is that instead of continuing "Your Survival Technique of the Day" I've decided to go with something more fitting:
Chelsea's Menopausal Madness of the Day
Some past examples include:
- crawling into the fridge during a hot flash
- sobbing in class when my professor wrote "good job!" on my paper, rather than "great job!"
- devouring two entire pints of coffee heath bar crunch ice cream in 20 minutes
- tearing a friend a new asshole for daring to ask how i was feeling that morning
- convincing myself a hot flash meant my insides were melting, and panicking
- thinking it was a good idea to announce in class that i'm on menopause because "my uterus likes to shed a lot"
- demanding that my parents get remarried... to each other. because at the time, it made perfect sense in my head, even as i was screaming at them and declaring that they were working together to defeat me. how that makes sense, i do not know.
Just so you have an idea. So far, so good for today, but that's because the shot is only throbbing in my ass, and has yet to fully make it's way into my blood stream. I anticipate something fabulous tonight though, because the first one is always a doozy. Fabulous!
True, it's only a matter of time until I start having hot flashes, and until I start crying over things like "misplacing that paper clip" and "that commercial that had sad music" but in the end, the good trumps the bad. I like to think that the emotional roller coaster of menopause helps me in the long run, because it makes me act like... well, like a female. I don't cry, I don't watch romantic movies, and I hate Kate Hudson, but now that I have crazy hormonal tides, perhaps I can once again better bond with creatures of my own gender. And maybe I could even watch The Notebook with people, and not get kicked out of the room for alternately laughing at the movie for being fucking retarded, and screaming at everyone enjoying it for being pathetic, overly emotional morons.
Anyway.
Today marks a turning point in my life (hopefully) for several reasons, some of which I cannot yet go into detail about. If today goes according to plan, then I will be on busy, happy little beaver, and life on the whole will take a much needed turn for the better. If things don't go according to plan, I'll soothe myself by scarfing down entire gallons of ice cream, and then reveling in the fact that I can now go to the gym to work the calories off, rather than finding another fat deposit on the inside of my thigh.
It's the little things in life, really.
At any rate, this weekend will be spent having a lot of fun, and hopefully Monday will mark my return to the gym, and the reintroduction of candy bars to my diet. Another change this brings is that instead of continuing "Your Survival Technique of the Day" I've decided to go with something more fitting:
Chelsea's Menopausal Madness of the Day
Some past examples include:
- crawling into the fridge during a hot flash
- sobbing in class when my professor wrote "good job!" on my paper, rather than "great job!"
- devouring two entire pints of coffee heath bar crunch ice cream in 20 minutes
- tearing a friend a new asshole for daring to ask how i was feeling that morning
- convincing myself a hot flash meant my insides were melting, and panicking
- thinking it was a good idea to announce in class that i'm on menopause because "my uterus likes to shed a lot"
- demanding that my parents get remarried... to each other. because at the time, it made perfect sense in my head, even as i was screaming at them and declaring that they were working together to defeat me. how that makes sense, i do not know.
Just so you have an idea. So far, so good for today, but that's because the shot is only throbbing in my ass, and has yet to fully make it's way into my blood stream. I anticipate something fabulous tonight though, because the first one is always a doozy. Fabulous!
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