I hate dieting.
It may be the single most frustrating process that anyone willingly goes through. We subject ourselves to eating less and less, all in an effort to look fabulous. It is my dream that someday I will invent a pill (with my extensive background in biochemistry and pharmaceuticals, of course) that will enable us to remain at our target weight no matter what.
It's a brilliant idea, because you'll have to get healthy the right way first. You lose the weight, you pick a plateau point, and voila - no matter if you dine on a breakfast of ice cream and fried chicken, you'll stay at 110, 115, 120, whatever you'd like. Because of course this pill will do something like break down bad fats and trans fats and blah blah blah. All I know, is that I want to live in a world where I can eat whatever, whenever I want. I miss fried food.
It may be the single most frustrating process that anyone willingly goes through. We subject ourselves to eating less and less, all in an effort to look fabulous. It is my dream that someday I will invent a pill (with my extensive background in biochemistry and pharmaceuticals, of course) that will enable us to remain at our target weight no matter what.
It's a brilliant idea, because you'll have to get healthy the right way first. You lose the weight, you pick a plateau point, and voila - no matter if you dine on a breakfast of ice cream and fried chicken, you'll stay at 110, 115, 120, whatever you'd like. Because of course this pill will do something like break down bad fats and trans fats and blah blah blah. All I know, is that I want to live in a world where I can eat whatever, whenever I want. I miss fried food.
I had a bucket of KFC for breakfast!The most retarded thing about all of this, is that when I say "dieting" I mean still mowing down on carbs and other delicious no-no's. For breakfast I have a bowl of maple syrup oatmeal, or a heaping bowl of cereal (usually Frosted Mini Wheats, because I go insane if I don't have sugar first thing in the morning); lunch is often a sandwich and some yogurt; and dinner is usually a large salad with chicken, some wheat pasta, or a large sandwich with baked chips. I can't cut back on carbs, it's physically impossible. I end up having a food blackout, in which I remember walking to the bathroom... and the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of my kitchen, on my back, boxes of cookies and bread strewn around me, delicious carb-y crumbs covering my face. I'm like a junkie that just can't help herself.
It doesn't help matters much that my office is a carb breeding ground. Other firms are always sending us tantalizing gift packages, crammed with cookies, biscuits, chocolates and other ridiculously tasty morsels. I have to physically restrain myself from devouring the entire thing in one sitting. And, being the only female in the office, I get to watch my bosses stuff themselves silly, patting their bellies and yapping on and on about how dieting is so stupid, and who want's thirds?
Ugh.
My other problem with weight loss is what I like to call the "Nicole Richie" syndrome. I'll bitch and moan and diet for a few weeks, and the pounds will come off slowly, and then one morning I wake up and my rib cage is jutting out so prominently that you could grate cheese off it. I don't know what the trigger is, but I tend to start getting into my ideal weight range, and then suddenly I look like I should be hanging on a wall in an anatomy class.
Work it, gurl!
At any rate, I think things are progressing fairly well at this point. I'm still eating a wide array of things I shouldn't, but at least the diet seems to be moving along at a normal pace. No hip bones that could cut glass, at least.
Your Survival Technique Of The Day
How to Survive Dieting
Step 1: Don't RESTRICT. You know that dreadful word very well. If you tell yourself that you're never allowed to eat something like pancakes again, one minute you'll be drying your hair, and the next thing you know, it'll be 3am and you'll be finishing your fifth plate of IHop's triple decker pancake platter, and you'll be ready to birth a stack yourself.
Step 2: Substitute sweets. I know, the idea of picking "berries" over "pixie sticks" seems shocking, but fruits and other healthy alternatives still pack taste (and some sugar, so you won't crash and burn.) You'll feel better in the long run, and then you can adopt that snooty attitude that other dieters have - you can make amused, obnoxious noises while someone else is stuffing their face full of processed crap, and take delicate, haughty bites of your kiwi.
Step 3: Clean House. Are your cabinets full of chips, sweets, cookies, and other deliciously decadent forbidden food? Throw them out! Or give them to the homeless guys at the McPherson Square Metro stop, whatever. Just get them out of your place. If they're around, you'll be tempted (especially when you're trying to cut back), and before you know it, you'll have devoured 1000 calories worth of Oreos.
Step 4: Careful with Alcohol. Someone literally once told me, as she was chugging a Bud, that beer calories and other liquid calories don't count, because you pee the calories out. Two words: Beer. Belly. So many people chug beer and other alcohol like it's going out of style. I know, I know, I love it too, but go for light beers and healthier alternatives; a vodka cranberry may not be your ideal drink (or the healthiest thing in the world) but at least you're getting some juice, and you're not just drinking straight calories.
Step 5: Wire your jaw shut. When all else fails, hello, liquid diet!
It doesn't help matters much that my office is a carb breeding ground. Other firms are always sending us tantalizing gift packages, crammed with cookies, biscuits, chocolates and other ridiculously tasty morsels. I have to physically restrain myself from devouring the entire thing in one sitting. And, being the only female in the office, I get to watch my bosses stuff themselves silly, patting their bellies and yapping on and on about how dieting is so stupid, and who want's thirds?
Ugh.
My other problem with weight loss is what I like to call the "Nicole Richie" syndrome. I'll bitch and moan and diet for a few weeks, and the pounds will come off slowly, and then one morning I wake up and my rib cage is jutting out so prominently that you could grate cheese off it. I don't know what the trigger is, but I tend to start getting into my ideal weight range, and then suddenly I look like I should be hanging on a wall in an anatomy class.
Work it, gurl!At any rate, I think things are progressing fairly well at this point. I'm still eating a wide array of things I shouldn't, but at least the diet seems to be moving along at a normal pace. No hip bones that could cut glass, at least.
Your Survival Technique Of The Day
How to Survive Dieting
Step 1: Don't RESTRICT. You know that dreadful word very well. If you tell yourself that you're never allowed to eat something like pancakes again, one minute you'll be drying your hair, and the next thing you know, it'll be 3am and you'll be finishing your fifth plate of IHop's triple decker pancake platter, and you'll be ready to birth a stack yourself.
Step 2: Substitute sweets. I know, the idea of picking "berries" over "pixie sticks" seems shocking, but fruits and other healthy alternatives still pack taste (and some sugar, so you won't crash and burn.) You'll feel better in the long run, and then you can adopt that snooty attitude that other dieters have - you can make amused, obnoxious noises while someone else is stuffing their face full of processed crap, and take delicate, haughty bites of your kiwi.
Step 3: Clean House. Are your cabinets full of chips, sweets, cookies, and other deliciously decadent forbidden food? Throw them out! Or give them to the homeless guys at the McPherson Square Metro stop, whatever. Just get them out of your place. If they're around, you'll be tempted (especially when you're trying to cut back), and before you know it, you'll have devoured 1000 calories worth of Oreos.
Step 4: Careful with Alcohol. Someone literally once told me, as she was chugging a Bud, that beer calories and other liquid calories don't count, because you pee the calories out. Two words: Beer. Belly. So many people chug beer and other alcohol like it's going out of style. I know, I know, I love it too, but go for light beers and healthier alternatives; a vodka cranberry may not be your ideal drink (or the healthiest thing in the world) but at least you're getting some juice, and you're not just drinking straight calories.
Step 5: Wire your jaw shut. When all else fails, hello, liquid diet!
1 comment:
Just discovered your blog. It's wonderful. Will have to come back and catch up on all your older posts.
I'm so with you about the dieting thing!! Just kill me.
Come and visit me sometime.
Take care
Tory
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