Bank of I Take All Your Money

There are days that, in the future, we look back on and cannot believe we never saw the deep evil behind. We ask ourselves, "how did we not see it? How could we not feel the horror permeating every inch of our beings?"

These days appear innocent, in the beginning. The day Napoleon stopped growing; the day Hitler came in second in a potato sack race to Ethan Farberstein; the day Britney Spears decided to marry Kevin Federline. Sure, they seemed like normal, inconsequential days at the time, but if only we'd known.

But today... today I knew that I was setting in place a terrible chain of events. For once, I could see the horror that laid before me. Today, I made my first student loan payment to Sallie Mae.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize: Holy Shit, I Have To Pay For Crap. It's a dark day indeed. I also realized that rather than paying the $17,000 I owe (note that I owe it - my mother has a separate loan) I was actually paying back $24,000 over ten years with interest. Because I really wanted to pay an additional $7,000 in interest when I'm broke. Thank you, Sallie Mae.

So I now pay $205 a month towards my loans. Which, in the long run, is... okay. I owe 120 months of loans (hence the 10 years) which means I'll have them paid off fairly soon, per the standard repayment lengths. Plenty of my parents friends are still paying crap off. I had the option of paying over a longer length of time, but guess what?

You pay more interest and pay several thousand dollars more. I don't think you really understand that until you have a bill in front of you, and you realize your heart has stopped and you should probably have someone start giving you CPR. Sure, the deal is to pay less money monthly initially, but then they up the payments to horrific levels, and squeeze you dry. No, thank you.

So, here's my candid, open breakdown of my monthly payments:

Total Bi-Monthly Paycheck Amount: $2750
Total Paycheck After Taxes/Benefits: $1900
Balance After Rent Payment: $800
Balance After Minimum Credit Card Payments: $700
Balance After Loan Payment: $500

So. That leaves me with $500 a month to not only live off of, but to save up with, and to fuel my booze and partying addiction with. Not to mention my food costs. How I go from $2750 a month to $500, I don't understand, even after my highly organized list above. A year ago, $500 was striking it rich - it was like I'd won the lottery. I could eke it out for a shockingly lengthy amount of time. Now, it may as well be $5. It's a shock to the system, paying for all your own expenses.

My parents are proud. I think they're insane.

Rent is the worst. In hindsight, I could've found a room in a house with a bunch of strangers, but my roommate experiences are really hit or miss, and after spending the summer jumping around from hotel room to hotel room, and sleeping on people's couches, I was really looking for a place to call my own. And I love it, don't get me wrong; I feel accomplished, and mature, and happy in my apartment. I like that I can do whatever I please. I can wander around in my underwear; I can pee with the door open; I can sing along to the Spice Girls at the top of my lungs, and then blame it on another neighbor the next morning. Freedom.

But writing a check for $1100 each month sort of kills your soul a little. Like you feel like you're writing in your own blood, which is flowing out of a particularly painful wound. I don't want to give them the check, but I also don't want to sleep behind the building in the alley, so I dutifully hand the check over, my head hanging, fear and desperation in my heart.

What's most horrifying of all, is that this is probably what I'm going to be making for the rest of my life. I was an English Major, and I want to go into publishing - someday I want to teach. That means I'll be eating Ramen and drinking Sam's Choice Cola for the rest of my life. Sam's Choice Cola. Maybe I'll get desperate and sell a kidney, or something. Maybe I'll rob a bank and speed off in a red convertible. Maybe I'll turn to prostitution. Who knows? Only time will tell.

At the very least, I'd finally have a reason to buy thigh-high boots

This all culminates in my new desire to break my lease, pack up some meager belongings (although I have to bring my bed, which I'll negotiate later, because goddamn that thing is comfortable), meet up with my friend Jim, and move cross-country to LA. Because where else in the country (besides NYC) do thousands of young, dirt poor hopefuls flock every year? The city is full of aspiring actors/models/singers/Paris Hiltons who are supposed to be broke and struggling. It's part of the job description.

And we all know you don't really need to have talent to make it in Hollywood, which means I'd be all set. I'm marginally attractive, I can act a little, and I can pout into a camera. I'm all set. I could totally be in movies, or on TV, or on The Hills.

Fuck Heidi - Team Lauren

Then, once I've become super famous (i.e. RICH) I can pay off all my loans, buy a massive house, and never even so much as blink when I write out obscenely huge mortgage checks. I can also buy lots of shiny, pretty things, and never have to worry about finances or going broke or anything. Plus, I'm good at hawking myself, so I can make a perfume or something, or "design shoes" or whatever, and be set for life.

If Britney can do it, so can I.


Your Survival Technique of The Day
How to Survive A Few More Months of No Money

Step 1: Ration. Set financial limits for yourself, and only allow yourself to spend that amount on each facet of your life. Set aside money for food, rent, clothes, staples, etc.

Step 2: Diet. Less Money + Less Food = Smaller Pant Size. Fabulous!

Step 3: Second Job. There are plenty of second jobs for young, tired, strained 20-somethings. You could wait tables, you could babysit, you could work the pole at the Golden Banana. Whatever gets you through the month.

Step 4: Move to LA and become a star. Hm