Days till Menopause: 11
They say that bad things come in threes, but 2008 has brought in a complete barrel full of insanity. Never before has a year started off with so much utter stupidity and horror.
First of all, the heat in my apartment building is busted. You heard me right - busted. When I walked into my apartment last night, I wondered why it was almost as cold as it was outside. And let me tell you, it was fucking freezing outside; we're in the middle of a horrific cold stretch, so of course it's now that the heat decides to shit the bed.
I was elated for all of .002 seconds when I awoke at 3am for some water, because I heard my radiator kick back into gear. Then I actually got out of bed, and promptly froze, because the AC had been turned on, rather than the heat. So now I think I have pneumonia, which is awesome.
They say that bad things come in threes, but 2008 has brought in a complete barrel full of insanity. Never before has a year started off with so much utter stupidity and horror.
First of all, the heat in my apartment building is busted. You heard me right - busted. When I walked into my apartment last night, I wondered why it was almost as cold as it was outside. And let me tell you, it was fucking freezing outside; we're in the middle of a horrific cold stretch, so of course it's now that the heat decides to shit the bed.
I was elated for all of .002 seconds when I awoke at 3am for some water, because I heard my radiator kick back into gear. Then I actually got out of bed, and promptly froze, because the AC had been turned on, rather than the heat. So now I think I have pneumonia, which is awesome.
Okay, off to bed!Second of all, Britney Spears has apparently gone completely insane (more insane, I should say), and after essentially holding her children "hostage" in her home (while an endless parade of police cars, ambulances, firetrucks, helicopters, and paps looking to get some ass circled her house and recorded it all for the world to see) was carried out on a stretcher and taken to the hospital. Man, I hope when the time comes for my psychotic breakdown that I'm not famous (yet) and I can do it without it being splashed across the tabloids and blogs.
Of course by this point, it's not like it's a surprise when she goes completely off the deep end (again.) This is a woman who's shaved her head in public, who's attacked paparazzi vehicles with an umbrella, who continuously forgets to wear underwear with skirts, who continuously forgets to wear underwear and pants with "dresses" (aka regular t-shirts, as it's all the same to her), who can't actually read, add, or speak English, who is so drugged up she has to undergo court ordered drug testing, and who is so legitimately mentally ill that all of this is actually kind of sad. Well, sort of. It's also really good entertainment. Let's have a moment to reflect, shall we?
Of course by this point, it's not like it's a surprise when she goes completely off the deep end (again.) This is a woman who's shaved her head in public, who's attacked paparazzi vehicles with an umbrella, who continuously forgets to wear underwear with skirts, who continuously forgets to wear underwear and pants with "dresses" (aka regular t-shirts, as it's all the same to her), who can't actually read, add, or speak English, who is so drugged up she has to undergo court ordered drug testing, and who is so legitimately mentally ill that all of this is actually kind of sad. Well, sort of. It's also really good entertainment. Let's have a moment to reflect, shall we?
Losing your children AND your mind? Hilarious! I bet Jamie Lynn is super pissed that she's no longer in the spotlight!Uh. Moving on!
Third of all, Huckabee beat out the other Republican hopefuls last night in Iowa, proving that not only are Republicans fucking insane, but the world as we know it is beginning to collapse in on itself. Huckabee is a guy that doesn't believe in evolution. That's right, kids, he doesn't think humans naturally evolved over long periods of time, he believes that God created the world in 7 days, and we were wandering around in Eden as perfect specimens and have never once changed.
Which is odd, because we've never found any human remains from that long ago, and we had these things called "the dinosaurs" and we've already seen, in evolutionary terms, from evidence like bones and fossils, how humans have been steadily evolving from apes, to cro-magnums, to Republicans, to actual humans.
See, this is where we get into trouble. The Bible is not an actual recording of events - it's a series of allegories, moral lessons, and man-made tales created during a time where those sorts of lessons were encouraged. When the Bible was written, it obviously was not present day, and there were different rules, different ideals, and a completely different way of life. Nothing but the bare bones of the Bible are relevant today (don't steal, don't cheat, don't kill, etc.) Reading it like non-fiction isn't only insane, it's dangerous.
The Bible, as fiction, is fabulous; it's full of danger, death, wrathful gods (yeah Old Testament God!), scheming neighbors, love triangles, moral lessons, and all sorts of nonsense. When taken as non-fiction, it preaches hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and stupidity. It was indeed written by men, and it was relevant only for the time period in which it was created. NO ONE LEADING A FIRST WORLD COUNTRY SHOULD ACTUALLY TAKE IT AS FACT.
And for the first time ever, Chuck Norris fails America
What I think we should do is just go ahead and elect a 5 year-old boy, because then it's completely acceptable - and dare I say adorable - when he comes up with complete BS like this. If little Timmy declares "God made us all in 7 days cause God is awesome! We came down in bubbles like Glenda from The Wizard of Oz!" it's cute, because the kid is 5 and can't tie his own shoes, never mind understand the concept of evolution. When an educated man over the age of 40 says the same thing, well, then it just gets scary.
And besides, if we have a 5 year-old, then we can just keep the same agenda and workings of the Bush administration, because at least at this point, we'd be a step ahead of the game, and our foreign relations would be better because everyone would be going "awww he's so cute, it doesn't matter if he's stupid!" as opposed to "good fucking lord, this man went to Yale?!"
For now, we can only hope and pray that things are different in New Hampshire. I mean, first of all, it's not the midwest, so immediately we're ahead of the game. New Hampshire folk are like the little siblings of us Massachusetts folk - cynical, bitter, and sharply intelligent. And they're actually aware that we didn't just spring up from nothingness one day. Seriously, people.
So, Hillary '08. I think she can clean up our foreign policies, help bring an end to the war, pay off our debts and get us another surplus, encourage human rights, allow stem-cell research, prove that gay marriage isn't the work of the devil, separate church and state, and even offer Britney a shoulder to cry on. If that isn't the workings of an amazing leader, then I just don't know what is.
Third of all, Huckabee beat out the other Republican hopefuls last night in Iowa, proving that not only are Republicans fucking insane, but the world as we know it is beginning to collapse in on itself. Huckabee is a guy that doesn't believe in evolution. That's right, kids, he doesn't think humans naturally evolved over long periods of time, he believes that God created the world in 7 days, and we were wandering around in Eden as perfect specimens and have never once changed.
Which is odd, because we've never found any human remains from that long ago, and we had these things called "the dinosaurs" and we've already seen, in evolutionary terms, from evidence like bones and fossils, how humans have been steadily evolving from apes, to cro-magnums, to Republicans, to actual humans.
See, this is where we get into trouble. The Bible is not an actual recording of events - it's a series of allegories, moral lessons, and man-made tales created during a time where those sorts of lessons were encouraged. When the Bible was written, it obviously was not present day, and there were different rules, different ideals, and a completely different way of life. Nothing but the bare bones of the Bible are relevant today (don't steal, don't cheat, don't kill, etc.) Reading it like non-fiction isn't only insane, it's dangerous.
The Bible, as fiction, is fabulous; it's full of danger, death, wrathful gods (yeah Old Testament God!), scheming neighbors, love triangles, moral lessons, and all sorts of nonsense. When taken as non-fiction, it preaches hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and stupidity. It was indeed written by men, and it was relevant only for the time period in which it was created. NO ONE LEADING A FIRST WORLD COUNTRY SHOULD ACTUALLY TAKE IT AS FACT.
And for the first time ever, Chuck Norris fails AmericaAnd besides, if we have a 5 year-old, then we can just keep the same agenda and workings of the Bush administration, because at least at this point, we'd be a step ahead of the game, and our foreign relations would be better because everyone would be going "awww he's so cute, it doesn't matter if he's stupid!" as opposed to "good fucking lord, this man went to Yale?!"
For now, we can only hope and pray that things are different in New Hampshire. I mean, first of all, it's not the midwest, so immediately we're ahead of the game. New Hampshire folk are like the little siblings of us Massachusetts folk - cynical, bitter, and sharply intelligent. And they're actually aware that we didn't just spring up from nothingness one day. Seriously, people.
So, Hillary '08. I think she can clean up our foreign policies, help bring an end to the war, pay off our debts and get us another surplus, encourage human rights, allow stem-cell research, prove that gay marriage isn't the work of the devil, separate church and state, and even offer Britney a shoulder to cry on. If that isn't the workings of an amazing leader, then I just don't know what is.
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