How To Survive Reading This Blog

Days till Christmas: 27

So I've been reading a very interesting book, one that's chocked full of ways to triumph over evil, battle for the greater good, and make sure you get your ass out of danger with minimal damage. This book is "How to Survive a Horror Movie."

Trust me, it's essential to human survival. It lays out all of the different genres of horror movies, from vampires to slashers, to ghosts to possessed dolls, and everything in between. It has many valid points and impressive survival techniques, and I do believe that in reading this book, I am yet another step close to defeating some outbreak of evil that will eventually threaten to overwhelm me.

However.

I feel that more elaboration is needed. After all, each genre has a million sub-genres, and there are different ways for dealing with each of them. For instance, your run-of-the-mill Dracula can turn into a bat or wolf at will, while your Lost Boys vampires can apparently only fly while wearing leather jackets and lots of chains. Also, your typical Buffy vampire is a witty conversationalist with a fondness for pop culture - your 30 Days of Night vampire, not so much.

Wait, I don't get it. Why is Lindsay Lohan's lack of undwear so hilarious again?

I've decided to start including Your Survival Technique of the Day to my daily posts. Mostly because my life often teeters on ridiculously boring or frighteningly absurd, and it'd be nice to have... uh, something of interest to discuss every day. But don't fret, I'll make sure to include all kinds of horrifying monsters, like psychotic exes, backstabbing friends, the girl that always asks "does this make my ass look fat?", and random homeless men that try to hit on you on the Metro. Please, sir, take your hand out of your pants, I don't want whatever it is you're selling.

So, without further ado, I welcome you to:

Your Survival Technique of the Day
How to Survive the Beginning of Christmas Shopping

Step 1: Stock up on stupid things head of time. Your dad really wants that vintage toaster that sings Disney songs and toasts a Mickey Head onto each slice of bread? Try Amazon in July (that's what I did) - no one in their right minds wants something like that in July, but come December, it's only the greatest gift ever created, and if people don't get one immediately, some serious blood is going to be shed.

Step 2: Haggle with the EBayers. Since most sellers on EBay are either 12 year old girls or 40 year old obese men that live in their parents' basement and swap Dungeon & Dragon cards all day for fun, it's often times easy to haggle with them to get what you want. Put down a slightly higher bid, then email the seller and plead with them to end the auction ahead of time. If you're dealing with the 12 year old girl, say you know Zac Efron and can send her an autographed picture. If you're dealing with the 40 year old obese mama's boy, tell him you'll send him naked pictures that totally aren't your ex-best friend's head photoshopped onto some random naked body.

Step 3: Pump some serious iron and check your conscience at the door. If you do need to enter the death den known as "the mall," then you'll need to be prepared to fight to the death for the things you want. The best approach is to start getting in shape sometime around the Christmas the year before, so that for this upcoming season, you somewhat resemble Rocky. Yes, even if you're a girl. And you'll need to not feel guilt when you're punching small children and feeble grandmas, because if you give them even one inch of room, they'll be sinking their razor sharp teeth into your ankles, and shoving canes so far up your rectum that when you swallow food, it'll instantly fall out and into your pants.

Step 4: If all else fails, become Jewish. Latkes are really tasty, and Jews have all the money anyway. We're finished with our Hanukkah shopping by the February before, and then spend the rest of the year rolling around in our money, sipping Cristal from golden goblets, and playing drunken driedle. Oh, and making everyone feel guilty about our past. Awesome!