First of all, let me start by saying that she swore she was 18. She swore!! Unfortunately, it turns out that Vanessa Hudgens was maybe 15 when she took all those hysterically bad naked photos which were recently posted far and wide on the internet. At first it was funny, but now I feel like a total child pedophile for looking at them. And of course I looked, don't seem so shocked - do you have any idea how many celebrity va jay jays I've seen?
It's always the NSFW that gets me. Or, if they're particularly juicy (my god does that sound wrong), the NSFL tags, which mean Not Safe For Life. Those are generally reserved for Britney Spears' snatch, and while if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all, Britney doesn't fit into that category. It's like a giant gaping wind tunnel that's trying to suck you in, whether you like it or not - and let me assure you, no one goes in there willingly. Not even K-Fed, anymore.
In other news not pertaining to vaginas, I safely arrived in Boston after my trip, but that wasn't before being serenaded by an off tune cabbie who insisted on singing along with both Whitney Houston and Sarah McLaughlin. Imagine one of your worst fears, magnified by 100000x because you're at the mercy of a cabbie who drives on the left hand side of the road and sounds like a cat being repeatedly run over with an 18-wheeler.
It's always the NSFW that gets me. Or, if they're particularly juicy (my god does that sound wrong), the NSFL tags, which mean Not Safe For Life. Those are generally reserved for Britney Spears' snatch, and while if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all, Britney doesn't fit into that category. It's like a giant gaping wind tunnel that's trying to suck you in, whether you like it or not - and let me assure you, no one goes in there willingly. Not even K-Fed, anymore.
In other news not pertaining to vaginas, I safely arrived in Boston after my trip, but that wasn't before being serenaded by an off tune cabbie who insisted on singing along with both Whitney Houston and Sarah McLaughlin. Imagine one of your worst fears, magnified by 100000x because you're at the mercy of a cabbie who drives on the left hand side of the road and sounds like a cat being repeatedly run over with an 18-wheeler.
I wanna dance with somebody!
In between belting out the Best of the Divas, my new friend helped beat some friendly sense into lost and confused women via the Delilah PM Show (who's theme song included a catchy verse about women of all ages ditching men and getting together with their gals for some much needed estrogen time.) He was particularly concerned about Joanne, a woman who had spent the past 8 years of her life talking online to the love of her life - a man that refused to meet her face-to-face. But he's been having problems! Joanne insisted tearfully. BFF Cabbie's advice:
Cabbie: Bitch please! He's using your ass! If he was into you, he would've met you by now!
How is it that even middle-aged male cab drivers can grasp this concept, and yet millions of women are agonizing and rationalizing and doing all sorts of crazy -izing things that we do in order to attempt to placate ourselves in the epic battle of Men Vs. Women?
Once my joint serenading and relationship counseling session was over, it was time for an extremely exciting and challenging 8 hour Amtrak ride to Boston. While I don't usually mind the train, this time I was in for a most unwanted surprise - I was on Survivor!Amtrak! In order to test their passengers' mettle and will to survive, the train conductors cranked the AC up from "Moderately Chilly" to "Siberian Winter" and watched eagerly. I spent 8 hours freezing solid, and suddenly gained a new sense of empathy for poor Mr. Torrence at the end of The Shining.
That's it, next time I'm flying
Cabbie: Bitch please! He's using your ass! If he was into you, he would've met you by now!
How is it that even middle-aged male cab drivers can grasp this concept, and yet millions of women are agonizing and rationalizing and doing all sorts of crazy -izing things that we do in order to attempt to placate ourselves in the epic battle of Men Vs. Women?
Once my joint serenading and relationship counseling session was over, it was time for an extremely exciting and challenging 8 hour Amtrak ride to Boston. While I don't usually mind the train, this time I was in for a most unwanted surprise - I was on Survivor!Amtrak! In order to test their passengers' mettle and will to survive, the train conductors cranked the AC up from "Moderately Chilly" to "Siberian Winter" and watched eagerly. I spent 8 hours freezing solid, and suddenly gained a new sense of empathy for poor Mr. Torrence at the end of The Shining.
That's it, next time I'm flying
I slept fitfully, at best, but managed to thaw out once finally arriving in Boston and getting out of the meat freezer. My mother took pity on me and took me out for breakfast, and then we had a fun filled day of mowing down slow elderly shoppers with our cart at Ikea (only partially by accident, as the floors were very slippery) and driving Sleep Technicians out of their minds at Jordan's Furniture. In the end, I made out with a bed, a mattress and box spring set, and the vast majority of dishes and plates and other things I needed for the kitchen. Next weekend I'll go pick up the bed frame and the table I ordered, and I will be that much closer to being a real adult. Well, being a 'real' adult is debatable, but I'll definitely be one step closer away from being a homeless money-sponge, as my mother so fondly calls me.
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